The time when all make new Resolutions,try to tidy up thier lives etc,etc. I dont make Resolutions,I find that most are made when people have been drinking and are broken long before the New Year is over!I look at it this way,if you are going to change something,whatever it is,however great or small, then you should do it no matter what time of year it is,or what is the point?
I changed a couple of things last night/this morning,I came off 'The Site',wiped my profile removed my pics,stopped all messages,I didn`t let anyone know I was doing it just did it.Why? well why is hard to say,I have been there six months ( which may not seem long but to me is) and the reason I was placed there is no longer relevant,I still dont see me as others see me! Though my attitude has changed towards me somewhat. I am not looking for Mr Right,because I dont belive he exists,lets face it if he was going to be on there I would have known by now surely! And I still dont know why The Faceless one acted as he did,I went back over what had been 'said' and I can remember nothing that could have caused it,but that is water under the bridge now,he was the last person I sent a message to,in fact the only one that I sent a message to,lol.It was just a happy New Year one and to be honest he probably doesn`t even remember who I am! But onwards and upwards we go,again!
I figured it out you see at last,took a while,but we get there in the end dont we? I kept thinking that it must be that I am not seeing what is in front of me,but there are so many Mr Wrongs that it is hard to see beyond them all,not a real problem,as the minute I use a big word or show any sign of intelligence they head for the hills,lol,and the few that dont,well all I can say is I have made a couple of nice friends!So I decided as said previously that I would use the place as subject matter for my studies,but in the end I decided that too was wrong,because in amongst the wierdos and such,there were some genuinely nice people.So it is done with,over,gone,shall I go back? I dont know maybe at some point when I am bored or fed up of the same old same old!But then I have so much studying to do this next year,I am not going to have time for much else.
Maybe this is the right thing to do,who knows!
And other changes are afoot too,my son is moving out during this next week,oh joy of joys! And I can finally have my place to myself,finally have peace and quiet and no mess and clutter! I have already made plans for the small room,and for this room,my living room/office/study.To come home and know the place is going to be as I left it when I went out,sheer heaven!

I went down to the local shop last night to purchase some milk ( my son had gone to work and left me without as usual)it is only a few minutes away,so I dont mind the walk cold as it was! Outside the shop were three young boys,aged about ten or twelve,no older,they were hanging round stopping everyone that went past and asking them to go into the shop and buy them some beer,they asked me I refused,no I didn`t lecture them on the dangers of drinking etc,but I did tell them they were being rather silly stopping complete strangers and asking them for favours!I got the usual "yeah right" and " so what" as answers.They were there again tonight,doing the same thing!Makes you wonder where thier parents thought they were.
It also made me ponder,last night and tonight,we all did it didn`t we? I dont mean hang around shops asking people to buy drink for us,but we all had that illegal drink at some point in our teen years!I was fifteen when my brother first took me in a pub!Lordie I will never forget he bought me a gin and pinapple YUK,I have never ever drunk Gin since,lol,it had to be the vilest thing I had ever tasted!But,I was fifteen,and in a pub! the nearest I had got to booze up to then had been my eldest brothers homemade elderberry wine!! ( no dont ask,really) and needless to say I was slightly fresh,hahaha,slightly!! anyway there was a fair in town that same night and brother dear decided we were going.I had rather a thing about Speedways,seeing as how I could stand up and dance on them while they were moving,quite the speedway queen I was,lol,not the same when you have been drinking though,oh no,you think you can do it,in fact you think you are even better than you usually are,and you tell them to go faster,and faster,and then you end up having to be held on cos you cant stand up,oh so embarrassing!
That was the end of Gin for me,but not the end of my pub days,I graduated from Gin to Cider!! Brain rot stuff,lol.Then I discovered I have something called Alcohol intolerance,it makes me ill,not just sick because I have had a few too many,but really physically ill for days on end! So no more the drink and debauchery,well the drink anyway lol.
It isn`t so bad though,I discovered I can have just as much fun,if not more,than my friends on a night out and,I can tell them all what they did last night,hehehe.One of the reasons they call me crazy I guess,I dont have the excuse of drink to acccount for my erm actions.

Christmas is over and back to work. I checked my lottery numbers though why I bother I really dont know,lol.I really should stop wasting my money on that! So not a millionare and I have to catch that bus like it or not.Still some good news sort of,my son reckons he is moving out next week,yeah right I will believe that when I see it!Though I am hoping that this time he means it,peace and quiet not to mention a clean house!It isn`t that I dont like his girlfriend and the child,it is the mess,I cannot stand mess and clutter and thats all there seems to be.They dont seem to realise that I have a life of my own,that I am not simply an unpaid babysitter,though I showed them the other night that I wouldn`t be taken for granted,I told them that I had been asked out for a drink,which was perfectly true,what I omitted to tell them was that I had turned the invite down!Still she waited till the last minute to phone the babysitter and make arrangements.And I had a peaceful evening on my own,it was heaven!
Back to normal today!Back to work and nothing will get done in the house unless I do it!
Never mind I am still smiling,there is a new year around the corner and hopefully it is going to be so much better than the last one!I will not say that it cant be worse because not only is that tempting fate but I have had worse ones! An improvement would be nice though.
Ah well I guess I should go and get ready to face the masses,lol,well the customers anyway.
Laters!!

Another Christmas over with,the New Year almost at the door,the years seem to be flying past.Where are they going? Where have they gone?
Two days and back to work.Feeling quite melancholy today,guess thats just because yesterday was such a busy long day,and I always feel it the day after.Thinking of those that I miss,but not dwelling on things,far too much to do today,Daughter number two is going to visit today ahe doesn`t come Christmas day because her and daughter number one cant be in the same room together.Number one has children and number two doesn`t so number two decided a few years back that it was fairer to the children for her to stay away and come the day after.It would be nicer if they could just get on for the one day,and they could be here together!
I did a silly thing this morning,lol,I promised myself that I would no longer bother about the Faceless one,and I have managed it fairly well but,I dont know how he spent his Christmas day,probably with family and friends,or maybe a girlfriend,I was worried though in case he had gone through a downer,so I went and looked today to see if he had been around,and he had,so thats ok,but not,because he will know I checked,but he wont know why!Never mind.
I still haven`t assembled my new desk! hehehe,so it looks like today my daughter and I will have fun assembling said desk and moving everything and making my study place more relaxed and comfortable,after all I will be spending a lot of time there in the next months,it will be worth it though,in the end.I keep telling myself that,lol,when I am tired from working all day and come home to face the books.It will be worth it in the end!
And I have a dinner date! Ballet and dinner I am looking forward to that,after the New Year though when we both get the time,but still it is something to look forward to.
And now time to get ready for the day.

Christmas,what a lovely time of year!Magical,full of promise and good cheer.The decorations,dont you just love putting up that tree and seeing the faces of the children? seeing the shops all lit up,the feel the smell,the excitement especially now with christmas eve so near! And the Children getting ever more excited as the time grows closer for the fabled man in red to visit!The laughter,the tears, the tantrums, the giggles the whole magical feeling.The time of year when you think of and talk to people you haven`t thought of or talked to since, well, probably last christmas!
But! there is another side to Christmas,a dark,bleak,black side.If you wish you can stop reading now,after all who wants to think of bleak things at Christmas?
For those who dont! Let Me take you on a journey to the Dark side of Christmas!
For most people Christmas day is a day of love and families,joy and sharing,it takes forever to come and is gone far too fast,though people grumble about the cost and the commercialism,they still love it,and yes it is the time when you think of those who are not there,but you dont dwell on it,it is Christmas after all!
However there are those for whom Christmas day is the bleakest time of the year,it comes too fast and lasts forever,it is the longest most painful twenty four hours that exist,and for some a day they do not see to the end!
The number of suicides at Christmas is almost double the number of any time for the rest of the year.Why is this? What makes this time so hard? so bleak and dark that they cannot make themselves face the next one?
Do you remember the office clown? The one who gets on your nerves at every office party,who always makes a fool of himself with the big stupid grin on his face and the party hat on,his loud voice grates and irritates,he is everyones best friend,or is he? The loud voice is his "look at me I am here" plea to the world,and the big stupid grin hides the fact that every sigh,every rolling of the eyes or whispering behind the hands sends poisoned tipped arrows straight to his soul!The last to leave in the hope that someone will invite him to thier place for a drink,a chat,wanting to talk to him,not at him!And off he wanders into the cold dark night,alone,empty,and just maybe this will be the night that he says sod this I have had enough,and walks out in front of that car/bus/train!
And the female version,the life and soul, will dance with anyone and everyone,will go to the nightclub in the hopes of finding someone that will give her some time,what do they call her,the slapper? easy?,all she wants is to be held,for someone to take away the darkness even just for a little while!And she will take him home,and invariably he will be gone before morning! She will spend Christmas day crying and alone in bed with the phone beside her hoping someone will call! And maybe she has had enough too,or maybe she will just get drunk and think about it!
The old lady/man across the road,the one who dislikes your kids and tells them off constantly,spends christmas missing the ones they love,because they are old now and not worth the time,wife/husband gone,children ( if they have any) have lives of thier own and think posting a card with a bit of cash in means they have fulfilled thier duties!
The longest twenty fours hours of thier lives,they can see and hear the fun and the joy around them,but cannot be part of it,they have nowhere to go,nothing to do but try to get through that very long,very bleak day.
So when you are wrapping your childrens presents this year,when you are thinking what to write on the card to a loved one,thinking of all the great times you have had/will have,and when you see the beautiful expressions of joy on thier faces,spare a thought for those that dont find christmas the greatest time,maybe a christmas card for the little old man/woman across the road with merry christmas neighbour on,maybe a shake of the hand for the office clown and a promise of a drink in the new year,and maybe just a little compliment for the lady to let her know she is a human afetr all!!
Enjoy your Christmas I hope you have a good one!

I tried I really did,four trips into town! and I still didn`t manage to get everything!
What do you buy an octagenarian that has everything and appreciates nothing? And is female too? Any suggestions?
So I managed to get there and back relatively unscathed,apart from the sweats and the palputations,I even had to tell myself to breath at one point!One minor ( who am I kidding there is nothing minor about shopping) trip tomorrow on the way home and it should be done! famous last words of course,I shall check tonight what minor things are still needed,write a list ( which I invariably leave at home,lol)and then I can come home Christmas eve safe in the knowledge that all is done and ready.Right??
Ah well,what isn`t done isn`t done!
Apart from the actual going out there thing it hasn`t been too bad a day,I even got chatted up in the supermarket,lol,at least it took my mind off the crowds for a while!
Now it is time to eat,and I really cannot be bothered to cook so have ordered Thai and it is on its way as I type.
So laters!

It is Latin for hello,someone adresses me with it in e-mails,that and other things.Always nice of course.
I am in a confuddled state of mind today,it is the fact that I have the day off and have to brave the shops!!And today I cant buy two things and say sod it I will do it later,there is no later left as I am working from today till teatime christmas eve!!
Oh joy,manic shoppers,doing manic things,it is worse than the January sales at Debenhams ( not that I do the January sales at Debenhams or anywhere else!)It is amazing how I can help others combat thier phobias yet cannot seem to touch mine! I am better than I was,at least I actually go and attempt to shop,the trouble is this town doesn`t have a 24 hour Tesco!
Have you visited your local hospital since the new Triage system was put into place? I am not a regular hospital goer,they tell me this system has been around a while,to help reduce waiting times they said,hahahahaha,not a chance!!It works like this.
You wander ( hobble,limp,crawl,are pushed) into a room full of seats,there is a desk to which you( or the person with you if you are pushed) report,behind the desk are receptionists ( thats what they are called apparently) who normally are sat gossiping about what so-and-so did last night and supping tea/coffee,they look at you and carry right on with thier tale untill it is told!! At which point they wil diegn to wander over to the bit that they are supposed to be at and ask haughtilly if they can help you!! erm no I usually stand here just to admire the scenery!
You explain the reason why you are there ( having already done so on the phone twice and been told you have to attend A&E) You are then asked your name,address,date of birth,and last visit to hospital,now the first three are not a problem ( most of the time) we get to the fourth question and the mind does one of those complete flits! Taking with it every filing cabinet and index box and leaving only dark empty spaces! desperatly hunting the dark empty caverns while she looks at you as if you should be certified, well,she says,yes it is like a well these dark spaces,deep and dark.Give it up for lost and say I have no idea when I last visited! This is met with loud sighs and rolling eyes.She then tells you when you last visited,if she knew why did she ask??
You are then told to take a seat and the Triage nurse whose name you are given,but cannot remember,will see you soon.Start to walk away and are brought back with a " you need this" oh yes of course the 'file' ( piece of paper with your name on)
And so you sit,surrounded by people with far worse injuries than yours! and wondering why the hell you bothered! They are not completly thoughless,your comfort is tantamount to thier well being,the chairs are not the hard plastic type,and there is a TV! Two hours later and the chairs feel just as hard as the plastic ones and you are bored with the one channel that they deign to show! Your nurse appears to have gone on vacation and people have come and gone and come back again.Just as you are about to say sod this I shall go,she appears,the size of two navvies and you know she has been out back sucking lemons!!Into her little room you go," right" she says and reams off all the questions you have just been asked,she decides she will look at the offending injury and you quake as those massive hands reach out to grab your face,absolutlely convinced it will be crushed beyond repair! Ah Nurse Joan turns out to have the softest hands that have ever touched your face,gently she tips it so she can see the offending eye,after ascertaining that you have not rubbed it she gets out the Opthalmascope,and finds that the offending article has gone,the inside of the eye is scratched and will need to be rested and bathed,I could wait and see the doc but he will tell me the same and put a patch on.Nope I have done what I had to do by attending,so can I go,well you should see him really so he can make sure.Erm I have to go back to work,I have already left them two and a half hours.
So Nurse Joan decides that I can go,but if it gets worse I must come back.Yeah right!The new trendy place in town to be,the A&E.
Apparently this is what Triage is,it is the decision of the nurse as to whether you need to see the doc or not!It supposedly cuts down waiting time and allows those that really need it to be seen! Tell that to the guy out there who had been waiting four hours!!
Guess I had better go get dressed and brave the shops!!
If you dont hear from me by suppertime you know they have got me,the mad shoppers!!

Well another day over,so busy at the moment,which is probably the reason that I am typing with one eye ( well actually I am typing with my fingers,but reading with one eye!)trying to do so many jobs at once,accidents happen,this was a doozy,something nice and sharp decided to pop into my eye,luckily I know to make it water and not rub it to remove any offending objects!Which it did but not before it had scratched the inside of the eye!
Never mind I am still smiling (just) see
So maybe another little poem,as my head wont get into gear tonight!

A new day.
It never fails to astound me
When the morning song is born!
As the day unfurls around me
With the coming of the Dawn.
As the night says goodbye
Each flower lifts its dainty head,
As the sun paints the sky
Shades of pink,with streaks of red!
Meadows kissed with silver dew
Reflecting in the morning glory,
As the day is born anew
Birds will sing the new found story.
When I fail to see the Beauty in each new day
When I fail to feel the Glory of the sun,
I will know that my soul has finally flown away,
And my time on this earth is finally done!

Apparently we have had a Tidal moon this past week,though the moon has always and will always effect the tides on earth this phenomena that we have just witnessed happens only once every fifty or sixty years.Basically it means that the pull of the moon was stronger than at any other time,rivers burst thier banks animals were effected and all sorts of wierd and unexplainable things happened.
I had noticed over the past weeks that the birds were acting strange,in particular the Crows,now crows are ( according to folk lore) the keepers of the soul.They do not flock and though you may think there are many about it is rare to actually see more than,at the most,six together at a time.A couple of weeks ago while traveling to work on the bus early one morning I witnessed a sight that I personally had never seen before.A flock of crows,I would have said maybe twenty five to thirty,possibly more,not only was it a unique sight to see a flock of crows but even more astounding was the fact that they were flying in the dark! Birds rarely fly in the dark! Only when threatened will a bird take flight in the dark.Which probably accounts for the fact that they almost collided with the bus!! I took this as a portent of something to come,what with all the strange weather patterns,the hurricanes and earthquakes etc.And wondered what was to come.
I am more than a little relieved to find it was just this rare moon occurance that was responsible.
Some of my friends too have been acting a little strangely,so if you have had a sudden surge of energy,feel bouyant and have no explanation for how you feel,it is the moons fault!Probably the reason too why I cannot sleep,yet again,despite the fact that I have to leave for work in less than six hours!

Almost the end of another year,where we sit and reflect on what we have achieved in this one,what we should have achieved,what we would like to have achieved,and why we didn`t!
Now what is the point in that?
If you achieved it,great! well done!now if you can achieve that what else can you do?
If you didn`t,well,there is no point in beating yourself up is there?either try again,harder,or choose something different!
What is the point in sitting and contemplating it all,will it change anything,will it make a difference to the past year?
Actually in some cases yes,because you can look and say,thats where I went wrong,or that was a damn good achievement!,but,there is a whole new set of achievements out there,and while you are contemplating the past the future is passing you by!
And so we will go into a new year with all the same resolutions as we went into this year with!Actually I dont make resolutions as you can guarentee that by the time you have sobered up the next day you have forgotten most of them and already broken some,lol.
I myself am determined that '06,will see some changes,that I will be trying much harder,especially with the studies,and if I falter,you have my permission to give me a swift kick,and a lecture on applying myself!
We can only achieve if we are determined to do so,if we set our sights on the attainable,and strive to attain it!
We are Human,we will falter,we may stumble,and we may wander off the path to walk on the grass or smell the flowers! As long as we find our way back to the path,sometimes with help from others,sometimes alone,then we will achieve that which we have set out to do!
Think I need a coffee now!!

Well another working day laid to rest,and tomorrow is Sunday,so I will get that extra hour! I hope,lol.
Knowing me though I will be up at the crack of dawn,raring to go,and wondering why this brain of mine wont allow me to stay in bed where it is warm and cosy!The books will beckon,the cleaning will call,and I will obey,lol.
Lets see for now I shall make do with a poem,one I wrote some time ago,only because I am trying to give my brain a well needed rest ( some hopes)
So here goes!

Special Place
When the world that swirls around me
Is too much for me to face.
I stop,and take a journey
Out to my special place.
I wander through the flowers
and sit beneath the trees,
and feel the sweet caress of
a simple summer breeze.
When the world is going crazy!
And I`m far away from home.
Far from the woods and hills
and valleys I did roam.
My place is always with me
It`s hidden deep inside.
And when I need to visit
I simply close my eyes!

Another week is almost over,where do they all go? Have you ever wondered what happens to those days,weeks,months and years that have gone? Are they stored in some great cosmic filing cabinet? Floating in Cyber space somewhere? Wonder if God uses a computer,his disc list must be infinite!
Well saturday and I am showered and ready for work,yet again! It isn`t that I dont like work,just sometimes it would be nice to not have to worry about catching buses and opening and closing times and tills and cashing up etc etc!sometimes it would be nice to just say sod this and turn over,but such is life the rent must be paid,and the studies paid for.
So another saturday of working,but it isn`t so bad,wear a smile and make the customers smile,have a banter,and a laugh.I love my job really,would just have liked that extra hour this morning!
I wonder where I am in that great cosmic filing cabinet? probably in the section marked 'Nutcases and crazy people' lol,with a big beware sticker on it!
Anyways I have to go,back later.

OK,normally friday is a working day,normally at this time I would be counting the minutes to closing time,and the delightful bus journey home!
Normally! lol,since when do we do normal.
Anyway I have had today off,played about surfing the net,went shopping( massive shudders)
and somehow got conned into babysitting,again!
Not tonight thoughthis afternoon while they christmas shop! When do I do mine? Apparently when everyone else is done!
Suits me fine,means I dont have to cope with those shops,lol.
What I need is shops that cater for people with a people phobia,sorry it is a crowd phobia( commonly known as Demophobia or Ochlophobia) known as one of the 'simple' phobia`s,though believe me there is nothing 'simple'about having to leave your shopping in the middle of an aisle because it filled up without warning and you were having a pretty phobic day!
A shop that caters purely for this,they open the doors let you in,you shop in empty aisles,with very few if any people about,finish pay and go on your merry way,smiling and happy and crowd free!
Not that I dont smile anyway,lol,though it may become a tad frozen when confronted with 50 thousand humongous shoppers all trying to cram into one aisle,ok a tad of overexageration,40 thousand,hehehe.
Well I am safe at home for now,going to brave Morrisons soon though late night shoppimg what are the chances of it being empty???

It`s not dead! It is true,it is still alive and kicking and out there,albeit well hidden for the most part!I witnessed it! Not just witnessed it but had the chivalrous act done to me! I will enlighten.
I travel to and from work by bus,going from where I live to where I work is no problem,the bus is every ten minutes,the shuttle service they call it.Now though it is the same shuttle service on the way back,for some unaccountable reason the buses run every-when-they-feel-like-it!We have been unable to work out yet how you can send one bus every ten minutes one way and one every,god knows when back and not end up with a pile of buses jamming up the bus terminus!
Anyway,by the time I have locked up and made my way down the hill to the bus stop and waited the inevitable,however long,the bus by the time it reaches said stop,is bursting at the seams,due probably to the lack of every ten minute buses!You clamber aboard ( they only lower it for old ladies and prams) and,amidst the driver shouting "move down the bus please" you attempt to squeeze past the prams and babies and move down the bus,only to have to grab the nearest pole as the bus sets off because your driver thinks he is Michael Schumaccher jockeying for pole position!I dread this part of the day,a forty minute bus ride fifteen of which are normallt spent standing,after being stood all day.
Tonight as I got on the bus a man got on in front of me,briefcase and nice warm overcoat,he moved farther down the bus than I nearer to the seats.The next bus stop looms and the bell goes, And Michael Schumaccher realises he is supposed to stop here and slams on,almost sending all stood up into a sprawling heap.Three people go to the front to get off,two had been standing the third had been sitting,right next to the gentleman with the briefcase,I wasn`t watching him,it was just that being stood where I was I had no choice but to look in that direction!Next thing I know he beckons me forward and indicates the newly vacated seat! I went forward and thanked him sweetly,and sat down.What a gentlman,I thought ,next thing the young man in front of me rises and indicates to the lady that was stood behind me that she could have his seat,she took it and he stood for the rest of the journey ( about three bus stops before he got off)The Gentleman that had given me the seat did get one himself after a while as more people got off.
I was amazed at the fact that there had been two chivalrous acts,most nights it is stand untill people get off and then grab the nearest vacated seat before someone else does!
So Chivalry lives on,isn`t that nice to know?

Just look at the time! Another day of daily grind,I slept in this morning,my own fault I turned off the clock and stayed put.I just did not want to get up and dressed and off out to face the morning commuters.Not that I have a choice! I dont go shop doesn`t open,customers dont get thier service etc,etc,etc.And so I didn`t get up untill 5-45am and now have no time for the things I was going to do,but I can do them tonight when I finally get home.
And I also have to work out the new study schedule,no time for sleeping in then!
It will be worth it I kep telling myself on those rare days when I ask myself why the hell I am doing this.And this time it will be a higher pass,I know that people keep saying stop beating yourself up you passed,but I dont want to just pass,I want to pass well! It was the substituted essay that did it,if I hadn`t listened to the Tutor and had just taken that extra week I would have got a higher percentage and a higher pass at the end! I thought that Tutors were there to help!Still I did pass,I guess thats something.
Thursday today another two days before I get a day off ( not including today of course) I will be glad when I dont have to use my days off for those Managers meetings and various other Managerial duties that everyone else is able to claim as part of thier weeks work. Though it will be a while. Never mind it is nearly a new year,and it has got to be better than this one was,hasn`t it? No I am not down,I am ready to meet the day,as usual,headon,with a smile on my face,so tis time to go get ready.
Later my friends.

Thats a son isn`t it?
Anyway,Tuesday second day back at work.Well I say back at work,managers meeting today,that was what they called it anyway,this was my first full blown,christmas managers meeting with this firm,The morning was spent going over the yearly firgures,being as we only have two weeks of the sales year left,and the company is undergoing a major overhaul after the managing director stepped down to make way for the 'New Guy'.
They have brought in a go getter,the kind of guy that takes companies by the scruff of the neck and drags them kicking and screaming into the 21st century.And not before time! Finally the voice of 'us' out there is being heard,for after all we are the ones that deal with,on a day to day,basis the customer.We are the ones that have to recruit and train new staff,we are the ones that have been saying without the proper incentives how do we find the 'right' staff? We are the ones that have been saying,the shops need doing up,the logo needs reinventing,the customers want to feel they are getting the service they pay for,give them something that tells them they are!
Apparently this is the guy that brought the Bradford and Bingley building society back from the dead.Lets hope he is as good as they say!
Anyway after all this business is concluded,it is an adjournment to the pub! Where a full christmas dinner and drinks for the whole day are on the firm! I was a good girl though,it being a work day tomorrow and having to study tonight,not a drop of alcohol passed my lips! ( you cannot count the red wine sauce on the beef!)
And so home,to find that it is still in the half cleaned state that it was when I left,Daughter-in-law-to be having abandoned her half hearted attempts last night when something came on the tele she wanted to watch!
No decorations then!
Ah well I thinks a small price to pay to have the place to myself,thinking of course that she had finally gone home! Not a Chance! an hour and a half later,and I was thinking I would finish the cleaning so I could study in comfort and in she strolls with son in tow.Gone all hopes of peace and quiet.
I am still a bit miffed over Sunday night,son wasn`t working having worked all day,we had tea and GF baths son and gets him ready for bed,off he goes and I thinks that means me off upstairs to study as they would be watching films.
After a lot of messing around and showers and stuff I realises that they are getting dressed up to go out!I sat and watched them,waiting,then they puts on thier coats and phones a taxi! Then my son says will you watch the little one! No I said.And they just stood there looking at me like I had gone mad!(I was annoyed they took it for granted) What do you mean,no,says my son,you aren`t going out! How do you know I asked him,you never asked me!
They were lost,they just stood there,Then I told them,yes I would this time but in future they ask before they start getting ready,because next time they do it,I will go out just for the hell of it.
They have to learn not to take me for granted!

I have this aim ( it is only one of them) that each and every day I shall make someone smile genuinely,what is it they say?smile and the world smiles with you!or they look at you as if you just escaped from the looney ward of the local hospital! Do I succeed in this endeavour?well apart from the days when I stay behind the locked doors of la casa lyndlj,yes!
My mind is overflowing today,so I will probably tangent off onto all sorts of things,it may not make any sense to anyone out there reading it,but hey,it may make you smile
I was walking down the road to catch the bus,after locking up late as usual,and there about a quarter of the way down is this woman,she is shouting about how Jesus loves us and clapping her hands,and swearing at anyone that looks at her funny,lol,turning round in circles and shouting she then endeavours to show us how much Jesus loves us by walking out into the mainstream traffic!teatime mainstream traffic,well it seems despite horns shouts and cursing,that Jesus loved her alright as she managed to reach the other side without a scratch or near miss! I decided that I wouldn`t test Jesus twice in one night and waited for the little green man to say I could cross,oh ye of little faith!lol.

So my companions and I were discussing/debating things,putting the world to rights as you do ( no not on the way home,this was another time) when one of them suddnely pipes up " you know you will need a sloicitor and an accountant when you set up on your own" what! where did this come from " why on earth woult I need those?" says I " I am in the people market not the property market!"
" well ok,maybe not a solicitor but definately an accountant" he continues. "Now why would I need an accountant,I already do all the profit loss,turnover,matt,gross,etc etc,and tax returns.Why on earth would I wish to employ someone to do it for me?" "Ah but thats here,not there" ( which reminds me,a little message for the faceless one,should he ever wander in here again,sorry,my friend,my mistake for thinking you were different,your loss,because I am)

Then I realise he is referring to my intent of leaving and moving to America! We have discussed this my companions and I,this weekend they tell me has seen me run out of excuses,or reasons to stay,as I call them.I know he is right,and it isn`t that I dont want to go because I do,lets face it there is nothing to keep me here,but,I have never been one to count my chickens before they have hatched and I haven`t even passed yet! Though they all say I will.

So I have just witnessed the arrival of the decorations,sons girlfriend walks in with arms and boxes full of them.She didn`t seem too suited when I said that there was no way that they were going up in my room untill it was immaculate!And lo and behold she is cleaning! And I had given up believing in miracles!

I think I should go have a coffee!

The start of a new week,and a new phase begins.
I made the decision last night that it really isn`t worth this,so I sort of semi-resigned.I wiped my profile to the point where there is almost nothing there,I shall not bother with it much now,no point really.I was tired of the idiots anyway,the wierdos and the perves.As much as they made interesting research,I was tired of the same old same old.
The faceless one has read the blog,so I really had no need to tell him that he was not part of the studies,as if he had indeed read it properly he would have already seen that in the writing,so what was it? Well it does not matter now as that too is done!
Apperently he was miffed because I did not write that he liked oral sex too ( I know this only because he told me) so now I have,hope you are happy now faceless one! Actually gutted was the word he used!Hehehehe,I have been far too harsh with him really,why I do not know,it`s not like we ever would have met quite apart from the fact that he is way out of my league!
Anyway he has my e-mails,if ever he should want to communicate,which he wont!
I would have had less and less time there anyway as the studies are back into full swing in a few weeks,so it is no loss.
And so to a new day,and a new week,back to work with a smile on my face,whats done is done and it is thier loss.
Being open and honest has its drawbacks as I have said before but,I will not change that as in the end it is the best way.Being blunt and staightforward I expect others to be the same and I forget that on there and places like it that isn`t what they are about,it is a game,a place to hide,for most of them.Because they are not capable of finding what they want in the real world? Because they are too busy? Or because they fool themselves into believing that it isn`t what they want really,and it is just fun,a laugh?for some of them that may be true,but in the end they will all get bored and move on,wont they?
Better go and get ready for work.
I already feel ready to take on the world,so it best watch out today!

A conclusion I have finally reached,it must be,it cannot be the males that are at fault all the time,can it?
So what is it?I mean I am no oil painting,but I have always known that,from being little I have been told that!
Am I cold do I give off these freezing vibes?
Am I too pushy?too honest?too blunt?Too crazy?
What is it that makes them not want to know once they have met me?or once they have communicated with me? I am intelligent,I can debate about anything without losing my cool.
I have a pretty good figure ( that sounds vain doesn`t it)Legs aren`t too bad I guess.
I take people as I find them,looks they dont mean a thing,personaility is what counts,guess it isn`t that way for everyone though.
What is it that I do/say to make them go/not want to talk to me anymore? I am baffled,completly confuddled,so how do I put right something when I dont know what it is thats wrong?
And do I want to?
I am me,I cannot be someone else just because it doesn`t please!
Guess thats how it will stay then.
Me as me.

Try again.
I wrote a poem with that title it has been published in a table top book of poetry.
Well the title means that Sometimes I get it wrong,Sometimes we all do.
My friend(I dont know if I can call him that but that is how I thought of him) the faceless one,well he seems to have got it into his head that he was part of my 'studies' part of the experiment,and in actual fact he was the one that gave me the idea for them!
He was never part of it,he was someone that made me laugh,and I would never do that to someone I thought of as a friend!
But that is that,I guess he wont listen,he has this stubborn streak it seems,I have come across it before,lol,but it is part of who he is.And I will miss him if he goes,I have these past weeks,silly isn`t it?
Anyway,I guess I got it wrong,so it is my own fault.
There are other things I got wrong today too,leaving going to morrisons till this aft thinking everyone would be at home watching tv! LOL,I had to leave with less than half my shopping done,it was truly manic today,
Gawd I am feeling really down now,I liked the faceless one,his ability to make me laugh,the things he said.No more writing for now.I shall get the books out I think!

So the last day before I am back to the daily grind of leaving the house at seven am and returning at six thirty pm.
Will something good happen today? I sincerly doubt it but one lives in hope!
It hasn`t been a bad week off,I discovered blogging,hehehe,not that it is the discovery of the century,but it has been fun.And it gives me somewhere to vent or just to take that break from work and study.
Lets see,my team won thier game yesterday,that was good,first one in four games they have won and we needed it,and it was the mighty ( or not this season it seems) Gunners,there again we were one of the few teams to beat them last season too.
I spent a fortune on books! and forgot to buy food,lol,so it was takeaway last night and I will have to go out today and buy food,providing I dont pass a book shop on the way!
so I am sat here,eating cold left over take away,and wondering what it is that I did wrong in my last life to have been given this one this time?Must have been a doozy whatever it was!
Ach I am just feeling sorry for myself because I didn`t win the lottery and have to go back to work tomorrow.
Have you ever noticed how time seems to move depending on what you are doing? When you are having a bad day or week time seems to go so slow that it almost appears to stand still,hours drag and it takes forever to get to the magical time of 'bedtime' where you can finally say " tomorrow is another day" and hope it will be better.
Yet,when you are having fun,or a good day/week.Time seems to fly so fast that you wonder where the hours have gone!It`s a conspiracy I tell you,lol.
And so to today,what shall I do with today?Apart from the shopping of course!Do I buy a bottle of Blossom Hill and relax,or do I get out books and folders and study?
Ah decisions,decisions! Such a dilema.
I shall have to have a coffee and think on it.

Isn`t it?
Sometimes you feel happy-go-lucky and full of erm life! and suddenly without warning something/one comes along and kicks out that rug from under you and wham,you are flat on your face! Other times you can be so down and wondering why the hell you bother and something/one comes along and picks you up and brushes you down and pops a plaster on the graze of depression!
Am I depressed?No not at all,though I do not look forward to christmas with the relish that others seem to,but that is because it holds bad memories for me,and it is a hard time of year for those that are alone.I mean alone in a partner type way,I have my family,the children,but this time of year which is all about togetherness often makes me wonder if I do the right thing in being alone,it is the only time of year that makes me question my single status!
Sometimes I think there is something drastically wrong with me ( quite apart from the fact that I am looked upon as slightly nuts)
( what do I mean slightly,lol)
Ah well what is,is.
Anyway on to better and brighter things,firstly the intervention of the Angel ( guardian or otherwise,who knows) in the yesterdays doings of the Demon,sons girlfriend is NOT moving in,LOL,( though considering she spends ninety point nine per cent of her time here!) It appears that Son does not think it is a good idea?so they are going to spend more time at hers from now on!Halleuja,peace and a clean house,what more could one ask for?!!
And so maybe I will get a higher pass for the next round of studies than I did for this last one,I mean I passed,and with a 30% higer mark than was needed but it was not high enough,not what it should have been considering how high the percentages were on my assignments at the beginning,and I know that the promotion and the long working hours trying to rebuild the run down shop took thier toll ( and the lack of privacy and peace) but in the end these are just excuses for not applying myself more!
Still this next round will be better ( I hope) they need to be if I am to get that BSc!
Now coffee time I think!

I am losing it! no seriously I am! What on earth has possessed me to do what I have just done,I have just invited,yes really 'invited 'the cessation of peace and quiet that I have been dreaming of for months!!
Let me explain!
My son ( whom I love dearly but wish would find his own place) has lived with me here in this apartment for the past three years,when he met his current girlfriend and I could see how serious it was getting I thought 'Yes' he will move out,finally I will have that peace and quiet that I need and value!
Well for the past six months he has spent his time between her house and mine,ah those heavenly days when I came home from work to an empty place! And those not so heavenly ones when I have come home to find my house looking like a tip because they and her child have spent all day here!
Over the past weeks they have been here more than there and since getting engaged at the beginning of last week have been here constantly!
Now I like the girl,dont get me wrong,she is a lovely girl!
But,apparently she doen`t know how to clean,and coming home from work twelve hours after leaving for work,to be faced with cleaning other peoples mess is not something I enjoy!
Add to that the fact that I cannot sit and study in a messy room,or a noisy one,and you will see why I was so looking forward to them getting a place together!
So why oh why,have I just invited her to move in?
What demon possessed me in those fatal few minutes?
Who actually spoke the words that issued from my mouth?
Was it the sight of that little two year olds face lighting up when he sees me?of him coming and asking me for the things that he wants? The fact that he cried when he had to leave me to go to the babysitters?
Oh Lord what a sucker I am!!
Now they will never get thier own place!
What have I done?
I need a drink! ( sorry it is only coffee,far too early for anything else)

Friday,and the end of my week off. I will have to win the lottery I could get used to this lady of leisure stuff!
And so my preparation work has arrived for my next round of studies and back to sixteen and seventeen hour days,think of the rewards I tell myself.Just think how the studying for god knows how many hours after working god knows how many hours,is eventually going to bring you what you seek!
And what is it that you seek?
The ability to do what you already do but will then have a certificate to say you can do it?!
I should have been a Patriarch,at the head of an enormous family who all would come and seek me out,lol,yeah right!
See this is what we should never lose,no matter what,the ability to laugh at oneself as well as at life! Because lets face it life is a joke!And Death is the punchline!
Ouch that is morbid,right lets brighten it up!
So tonight! well it is the big 'date' tonight,except of course it isn`t a date as such,we have been friends for months,debated and set the world to rights and now tonight there will be just him and I! Third time lucky they say,well this is the third time we have arranged this and it hasn`t happened the twice before! First time I backed out,second time his car 'broke down',lol,wonder what will happen today to prevent it?
So what is it that we are scared of? We are friends,we are at ease with each other in a way that we aren`t with others,are we afraid of losing that? We don`t have to take that step,neither of us,we can keep it as it is,just friends nothing more.
Anyway I shall not dwell on it,for it will probably not happen,again!
so what shall I do with today?
Methinks I shall just kick back and relax after all it is back to the grindstone monday,the laugh of it is I have to go in tomorrow because noone else can do the wages!Ah the joys of management!,lol.