I hope all you Bloggers out there are partaking in bloglands first annual Blogscars awards,you can find all the details of this Glittering event and recieve your nomination forms from this Blog http://landers.blog.co.uk and all you that already know about this dont forget that you can make up to THREE nominations,for each category.

A good day,I went on a little trip to Blackpool.Not the most exciting of places but it was different,and it meant I didn`t spend the day in the apartment,with the books ( dont know if thats good or bad?) I twirled and whirled and danced on the beach and played at the waters edge,which gained me some very strange and wierd looks,not to mention the laughing of the 'Tourists' on the beach three of them,japenese,didn`t stop them following me out to the waters edge. Can you imagine the Holiday pics " and this is some mad englishwoman we found on the beach" We went from the North Pier to the South pier and then went back up on to the road and went even further down,played about in the arcades,and walked the whole way back again. The fun came when trying to remember where the car was,but we found it without too much trouble and set off out of Blackpool for home.Now this was fun,my son says I dont remember coming this way,so I says no thats because we came in on the south beach road and are going out on the North,oh right he says,Why dont you just follow the signs? says I there are plenty enough of them.So we gets out of Blackpool and are on the M55 on the way home,now I had directed the whole journey there,and apparently was now going to be called on to direct us home.Where do we go? he says,we need the M65,says I,anyway somehow instead of following the M6 towards Manchester we ended up going Northwards,finally I says to him Son I think you need to turn round,so we finds a services and gets turned round,this whole thing has only cost us an extra forty miles,lol,no problem,just keep going straight up the M6 I said and you will connect with the M65 and then the A6068,easy.Well every so many miles he would say,is this right going towards so and so,yes son just drive.
Well we finally made it back,lol,and I thought the whole thing was funny though of course he blamed me for getting lost so i just said well you kept on about getting lost on the way home I just like to make sure you get what you ask for!
And Landers is doing a Blog awards,The Blogscars,which is a brilliant idea,you can visit his blog here http://landers.blog.co.uk to get a nominations form and to read about what it entails.The only things is its so hard!! For some of the categories there are a few that I want to nominate and it has been so hard choosing just one for each out of so many.
Decisions decisions!!

Isnt it funny how you start thinking of something and before you know it your mind has gone off on a tangent.Not that it is anything new with me as most of those that read my blog will know I do tend to waffle and ramble,this just goes to prove that it is not just in blogland that i do this,but out here in the 'real' world.
It started with the bells,those darn bells have been chiming all afternoon,and yes I know bellringers need practice and yes I know that the church is undergoing refurbishment yet again!! so they have to let people know they are 'open for Business' as it were but four hours!! In the end I felt like the ' Lunchpack of Rotted Ham' with my hands over my ears going "the bells the bells" all I needed was the limp and to lean over on one side and i would have cracked it.That got me thinking about the old BT ads ( dont ask!) the ones where he picks up the phone and says " Its Esmeralda she says she loves me" that in turn made me remember the one with Roy 'Chubby' Brown that goes "Pick up the phone" every time the phone rang in my house there would be a chourus of voices all saying Pick up the phone,Grrrrr kids!! that in turn led me to thinking how 'Blue' his live shows are,which in turn led me to thinking about colours and then songs with colours in,and all the one I came up with were things like,'blue blue my world is blue blue is my world now I`m without you' and black is black(good song that one though),that then got me to thinking about how about 80% of love songs are all about splitting up and being seperated,I mean apart from Love my life away all the ones that Gene Pitney sang were downright miserable,and then Roy Orbison,full of doom and gloom,though he sang some pretty fair ones about being in love etc.My alltime favoutite Roy Orbison song is 'Pretty Paper' such a lovely song but that then made me think about the film 'The Little Matchstick Girl ' oh my god stop me before I slit my wrists!! LOL,no all is not lost because then I thought what about that wierd guy that used to sell lighters 10 for a pound outside woolies,they never worked well maybe one or two,lol,and then about the time when they were building the centre and we all decided it would look much prettier in pink and blue with horses and flowers only the local constablury didn`t agree,course we managed to run off and hide leaving our mate who hadn`t heeded the ' quick its the cops' cry and was merrily still spraying the walls a lovely shade of pink I wish to emphasise here we were only painting the boards that were surrounding the site not the lovely new walls they were building Anyways we didn`t get away with it as she grassed us to her dad who grassed us to the Male Parent and another belting was in order.
And it now appears after a phonecall from daughter-in-law-to-be that they want to take me to Blackpool tomorrow. So now I am thinking are they feeling sorry for mam cos shes had a bad week,and so they want to take her to a freezing cold,seaside town whose only saving grace is that it has sea,or,are they wanting a babysitter to watch the wee ones while they wander off????
Sheesh I`m a cynic.

I have had a pretty lousy day,in fact I feel that blue at the moment that I cant even think of what to write.Because it wont make sense, right now not even to me.

Because of you.
For months you did pursue me,
Never stopping without pause.
Because I didn`t want you
You vowed to make me yours.
In the end I crumbled
In the end I fell,
If I had only known then
what I know now so well.
I thought that it was love
That I saw in your eyes
but it was just a mask
to hide the cruelty and lies.
You took away my strength,
made me humble,made me weak,
took away my friends and family
Noone to whom I could speak,
took away my independance
My world you would be,
When there was no heart left to break
thats when you broke me!
Years pass,and time moves on
It has been a long hard fight.
I still cant look in mirrors,
I still cant sleep at night.
I built a wall around this heart
And threw away the key.
No other man would ever do
what you did,to me.
I`d like to find that special one
Who would love me true.
But,I`m too scared to go there
And thats because of you!

I have had a very strange day,one of those days that just seems to go its own way no matter what you have planned or how you arranged it to go.It started with a phone call,no not one of them phone calls though I have had a few strange ones lately someone that is either too shy to talk or something.Anyway I digress ( nothing new there then) A phone call,from the HR advisor of my soon to be ex firm,to inform me that the letter of Grievence that I sent to (no less than) the managing director has been treated with seriousness and as such the disciplinery scheduled for today will no longer go ahead.Of course it has I sent it to the managing director!! The alarm bells will have been ringing loud and clear,even the HR department knew nothing about this affair isn`t that thier job??That was the first thing.
I then decided to go do some shopping,certain things that I needed that i was running out of,now I knew exactly where I was going and what I was getting being a sufferer of Oclophobia I always plan my trips into town as carefully as I can.Which is usually fine,today I decided as I was going that way anyway to pop in and see the man and find out if he had any Angel cards,well he didn`t have any,so he does no more than introduce me to the Goddess cards.What can I say wow,the strength in these cards is exceptional.He tells me he doesn`t show these cards( his personal ones) but he just felt he had to,ha you are saying he saw a mug and is trying to draw you in,well with anyone else I would agree but not with this man,I have been frequenting his shop for many years,even though I gave up the paganism a long while ago,we got talking( and I spent so long in there that it was lunchtime before I left) it was strange talking again about the things that at one time were a big thing in my life,am I being drawn back to it? Is that why I suddenly found myself there and wanting to stay?It is after all the oldest religion in this land of ours!
Anyway,lunchtime and I find that the town is suddenly packed nips into a shop to get away from the crowds and i stumbles upon a book,I picked it up and read the cover,and bought it,again a compulsion.This is a very harrowing book,a true story titled The Little Prisoner,the story of the authors life,a life in which she was dominated,bullied and sexually abused from the age of four by a man just fourteen years older than she,he kept her prisoner for 17 years.I have been sat here looking at this book and trying to find the,what is the word,courage? strength? To actually open it and start reading it,I am afraid of what this book may reveal,of what memories long since buried it will exhume,yet I had the overwhelming compulsion to buy it!
My friends may just be right about me being strange!!

This one is for JD

My life in Singapore,you have to bear with me it may be a little hazy,I was only a wee bairn.
Ok, my most powerful memory is living in an enourmous house that quite literally would have housed all our servants and thier respective families with ease and still had room for at least one squad.
Yes we had servants,the female servant was called an armor,apparently it means housekeeper/cook/cleaner. Singapore is a beautiful paradise now with the cleanest streets in the world,thats because they gained independence from Malaya sometime soon after we left there,not sure of the actual dates but the fight for independance was going on at the time we were there.
The Armor was to all intents and purposes the family servant but in actual fact as the only daughter she was mine,girls are apparently worth more than boys there especially the girls of the master.
Did I take advantage of this fact? But of course,I was the Princess,lol.yeah right,.
Anyway I did want to pop pics on here but it wont let me Grrrrrrrrrr.
So I will try to describe.
The streets at that time had enormous storm gutterings because of the tropical storms that would hit often without warning,it was not an uncommon sight to see cockroaches of a large size in these,they dont exist now everything being so much more modern and clean,it was a very colourful and vibrant place,street traders vying for position amongst the shoppers and the shops.The smells were wonderful,spicey and fragrant,musky and scented with seabreeze.
One of our favourite places was Changi beach,we would go there whenever possible to play in the sand and paddle at the edge of the sea,I remember the time my eldest brother T decided it was fun to sit on a log that was at the edge of the sand and sea,parents were chatting to thier friends that had come with us and Tam ( My Armor) was busy with lunch,she called to him to be careful the reason we only paddled was the strength of the tides around that part of the beach,next thing T is floating off on his little log boat,The male parent and his friend had to swim out and rescue him.
We were not allowed to walk to the beach,because we were only children and because of our status,so we traveled in a car that would have housed a small family,gee that was a beautiful car.Anyway,my best friend was the Armors daughter,funny I cant even remember her name now,and we got up to all sorts of tricks.
Another time I remember is the day my mam killed a snake in the Back 'Yard' bearing in mind the size of the house,the front garden was the size of a football field with a stream at the bottom,the back yard was about half the size of that,it housed a few palms and the garage and had a part for the washing and hanging of clothes ( The armor refused to use the new fangled washer) my younger brother Tets was out there in his pram and mam went out to check on him,slithering around was an enormous snake she grabs the yard brush abd beats it to death!Tam promises to dispose of the snake and insists that mam goes and lies down after her ordeal.
That evening we were served a delicious meal served on a bed of fragrant rice,we all devoured this and then mam said to Tam " that was really beautiful Tam what meat was that?" Tam instantly replied " that snake you kill missy" at which point mam went a lovely shade of green and flew to the bathroom,lol.
I think my best memories of Singapore are the ones with Tam,she brushed my hair she taught me to talk and to read,she treated me as a person,and when we had to leave it broke both our hearts,And we came back,to blackpool,talk about a culture shock!!
Ok a picture of Changi Beach

Me,my two brothers.

Second pic

My brothers and I,mam,the male parent and his friend.

Our front Garden

And the bottom of our front garden,though the stream is a little dried up due to drought.

Reverse Ferret My friend JD calls it.
So places I would like to visit and why.

Top spot should be Las Vegas but as I hope to be working there in a few years thats not a visit really.

St Luscia--Just to see if it is all that they say it is.

India--A beautiful country and so much to see.

Egypt--to stand at the foot of the Sphynx and to say I did.

Egypt--To sail down the nile and stand where Pharoes stood.

San Francisco--The city of a thousand stories,beautiful,grand and old,so much atmosphere and a great place to write I would think.

Russia--Many places there I think another place steeped in history,and the archtecture is great too.

Athens--To see the ruins and the temples of the Gods

Many other places but too numerous to name!

It has been a strange day,one of those days where you plan to do a multitude of things and end up doing nothing.I allowed myself the luxury of a stroll round town and had a look at the spring fashions,found a couple of things that I might have the nerve to wear,didn`t buy though,have to watch the pennies now at least untill I am employed again.My head just wont settle to anything not even studying it doesn`t want to take anything in.Time to rest it I think for a little while anyway.
I said I would post some more of my poetry,having been warned against the possibility of these being 'pinched' by some unscrupulous person out there I just want to point out that they are all copyrighted.I was told I had to point that out,lol,being told a lot of things today.

Dark Angel
Deep in the shadows they wait
So careful not to be seen
Patient and silent,they never move
Do not sleep or dream.
Here in this house they wait,
I feel them everywhere,
Into my head they march
my deepest thoughts to share.
And one day while I sleep
into my room they`ll glide,
I cannot run away
There is no place to hide!
I will open my eye to see
Him, standing straight and tall,
and with soft voice and gentle words
My spirit he will call.
They are but his messangers
Sent to watch and wait,
And to help you take that final step,
Through the Dark Angels gate.

Loves Deadly kiss

Was it fate brought me to this?
To you,to feel loves deadly kiss.
For you,in a lovers jealous rage
did close the book,and tear the page!
Your love burns with consuming flame
All in its path will burn the same.
She fled the cage,she`s on the run,
And tis I that lies with life undone.

Was it fate brought me to this?
To you,to feel loves deadly kiss.
Your sorry now,you sit and cry
It was her you meant to die,
but when she you could not find
in moments lost in rage so blind,
it could have been anyone!
But tis I that lies with life undone.

So,was it fate brought me to this?
To you,to feel,loves deadly kiss.

Well it is actually monday now is it not? seeing the time on my little clock states that it is 00-38 am that makes it Monday,even though I have yet to sleep the sunday night sleep.which I wont now as it is Monday!!
And of course I dont have to get up for work,which this week was booked off anyway so that really isn`t a big thing,,I cant remember the last time I could stay abed on a monday,not that I will but I could,if I so desired.
I was just thinking tonight,after having a debate with a friend,how long it is since I have debated,now that is something that I love doing.Proper debating,a willingness to listen to the other point of view and to put across your own,a willingness to listen and to learn even,without getting personal,without losing your cool.Looking at all viewpoints and being able to see the views of others which may not neccasarily sway you from your own but can let you see the two sides needed to have a debate in the first place.Maybe we should start a debating Blog,choose a subject and debate it,lots of view points,and usually a good debate can broaden out,expand,go from one subject and gradually bring in another,linked and then in the end you could be debating the man on the moon,but it is fun and I just realised tonight how much I have missed doing it.
I have realised over the past few weeks that there are a lot of things I have missed doing,taking the time to sit and watch TV,I was taken aback by the fact that a quiz on a certain persons blog was totally beyond me because it was about the TV mostly and I dont watch TV,I dont have time!! It took my being ill a few weeks back and getting a dressing down from the Doctorman and the events of last week,to make me realise that I have put my life on hold for far too long.Why am I working myself into the ground when what I really want to do is finish my studies and do what I am striving for? Work is just a way of paying the rent and the bills untill that time,it didn`t even pay that well!!So no more jobs that make me too tired to even pick up a book let alone concentrate on studying it,and time out to read a bit of fiction or watch a film,I may even watch something utterly crass like neighbours,actually I think that may be going a bit too far,lol.
We Humans are a strange lot,we spend our time working to afford the leisure that we are too tired to enjoy because we have been working!!We cant wait to grow up and become adults and then when we do,we wish we were young again,well I dont really,what go through all that again,not a chance! Human life is a long trail of progression and regression,and they call us the superior species!No wonder the animals laugh at us.

Two 0`clock,not sleepy at all,again.Strange how your mind works when it is the early hours and sleep is a distant and unlikely option.I guess this is the time that I miss having someone to converse with,course if there was someone here they would probably be asleep,lol.
I cant settle to a book,there is nothing on the TV,cant be bothered with the DVD`s,I have been wandering from room to room,just thinking,not about anything in particular,just thoughts flitting from one subject to another.This is the time when you do soul searching,delve deep down inside to those deep dark places you darent look at in the light of day.Where you keep all that stuff that you never talk about.Listening to James Blunt`s 'cry` and thinking of friends,past friends,present friends,the people that I have 'met' on here.When I think about it the friends I have on here probably know more about me than most of my friends here on the other side of the screen.
I told someone tonight that I was shy,and that is true,though most people find it hard to believe when they see me at work in my proffesional capacity,I am full of confidence and seem so forward.Yet away from work,I am very shy untill I get to know someone a little better,I have never been able to get over that shyness,except on here,on the net,but truth be told that is because there is a screen between me and the people that I communicate with,mysterious and yet not!I have to admit though over the past weeks since things got worse at work,and I have finally begun to feel all the hours taking thier toll,this place is what has kept me smiling and laughing,all the different people and things that they write.
It is like living in a block of flats where everyone meets up in one and have drinks and discuss thier day and other things,anything!
A great place to be at the end of the day!
Thanks Blog friends

There are a spate of these going round arent there?
So I shall give this one a go.

You are given a day out anywhere doing anything where would you go and what would you do?
Bike Racing at Silverstone.

You are to be given first class tickets to any concert of your choice,who/what would it be?
OOhhh far too hard,from rock to classical,hmm,would like to go see guns n` roses?

Your best friend has just dumped his/her girl/boyfriend,whom you have fancied secretly for ages,who do you comfort?
Hehehehe,my best friend of course*cough,cough*

You are given the choice of a luxury home anywhere in the world,where would it be?
Las Vegas

Your dog just bit the postman what would you do?

hehehe take him to the vets and get him anti-rabies shots.

Well thats it then,I expected the worst,as I said if you expect the worse and it happens then its no surprise,am I down? Am I thinking 'oh my God I am unemployed? Am I worried? The answer is NO,lol,you probably think I have lost it,poor woman it is the shock,but I haven`t,and why?Because I am going to have the last say in all of this.
I cannot believe how someone who is supposedly so well informed can make such stupid, crass and costly mistakes!
First mistake,I was informed that today was an appraisel,it turned into a disciplinery,it was always going to be one,they had even arranged cover as of today for my work.Now for it to be a disciplinery and for them to be able to do what they did ( suspended on full pay) they had to inform me in writing that it was a disciplinery and give me the choice of representation,they did not do either.
Mistake number two,continously throughout the conversation she said I dont believe you,I asked her if she was calling me a liar,she said I am saying I dont believe you.
Third mistake,and the biggest,not being able to prove that I was in any way negligent,knowing that what I had done would be upheld by a tribunal,knowing that they were lax in thier support of my situation,they have tried to get me on fraudelantly claiming wages for four hours worked when I left early.On two occasions I left work early without informing the area manager,but,last friday I worked six hours,they know I was at work,another manager phoned me in the morning,she then phoned in the afternoon,I had left early,she was the one that informed the woman that I saw this morning of that fact.The only thing is I didn`t claim for working at all last friday,I classed it as my day off,I had been off sick the four days previous,and I worked the saturday.
When she told me what they were investigating,I smiled,she must have thought I had lost it too,she gave me that strange look as if to say,my god is this woman all there? Did I inform her of this no,it is there for her to find on the system.And when she rings to apologise,then will I have my say,there was no point this morning as she was not prepared to listen.
And boy is she in for a shock.
Happy friday after all

Well here it is 'The Day' another couple of hours and I will know if I am to join the ranks of the unemployed.It doesn`t worry me being unemployed,there are other jobs out there,it will make things tough for a while,but hey,when is it not,Its the indignity of being sacked/fired/dismissed,whatever handle you want to put on it.I have never in my whole working life been fired from a job!And to know that it is because of someone elses dishonesty and because I did not fill in a piece of paper makes it even worse.My main problem is that I know I am bound to say something which is going to make it worse,honesty has its drawbacks,I have never been able to come to terms with the paper before people policy of this firm.They say they are customer orientated ( can I have that in triplicate please) yet when you concentrate on the customer you are in trouble for not doing the paperwork,sheesh make up your minds.And it isn`t like I didn`t do the paperwork,just that one that I forgot because I was concentrating on trying to flush out a thief!And lets face it when it comes down to it,it is thier money that she is taking.My problem was in believeing at the beginning that it was just mistakes on the part of someone that was,to put it as nice as possible,a little bit stupid! Turns out I was the stupid one for trying to be a good manager and giving her the benifit of the doubt.Now there is no doubt about what she was doing,but it is too late,and I cant prove it was her.
So off into the lions den at 9 am,I wonder how Daniel felt??

Only because I dont want to think about tomorrow,not tomorrow tomorrow but tomorrow friday!It could go two ways bad or not so bad,If it`s bad then no surprise there then because I always expect the worse so if it happens I am not surprised if it`s not so bad then its` not so bad!! I think!
Anyway,I was stood leaning on the back door at work watching the clouds racing across the sky,the sun was on its last hour and the lighter clouds on the horizon had a rosy hue about them,not that the sun had managed to find its way out of the clouds today at all,dark and drizzly,but not cold!
I like watching clouds,I try to see how many different shapes there are and what they represent,course some of the shapes that they take defy description but on the whole they take recognisable shapes and I like to watch them blend and change and join up with other clouds to make even more shapes> For instance today I started with a woman smiling,an old woman,then she became a turkey,he became a dog which very quickly turned into what I thought at first was a seahorse but then decided was more along the lines of some prehistoric creature with scales on its back,this rapidly changing cloud then blended into some others and became a fire breathing dragon as it went on its way,behind it came a mottley assortment of little boys( and I swear there was one that looked just like the kid off the old Kia-Ora advert,you remember the one,its just for me and my dog,and they all say " I`ll be your dog") and one boy was accompanied by a giant turtle??
Ah well then the bell went on the shop door and I had to go serve,tis a hard life

Believe
You know that life is like a school,
With lessons to be learned.
Sometimes it seems too hard
And sometimes you will be burned!
You must decide what you are wanting
What it is your looking for,
Get up,dust off,believe in you!
And walk out through that door.

There are wonders to be found,
If you allow yourself to see.
Some as glorious as storm filled skies,
Others simple as leaves on a tree.
So dont hide there in the shadows
Dont lie beaten on the floor!
Get up,dust off,believe in you!
And walk out through that door.

All things in life have endings,
A fact thats sad,but true!
But,each end means new beginnings
Are waiting there for you.
So dont let the crirics beat you,
You know your worth much more!
Get up,dust off,believe in you!
And walk out through that door.

Having been faced with my own mortality(which I have a few times) it made me stop and look at the years gone by and what I had done ( or not done) and what I had become,was that me? Had I really become that person? The point was that it wasn`t me,that it was the 'other' me,the one that took over when 'me' went away.
Getting back to me wasn`t easy,first I had to find out if 'I 'was still there,somewhere,hidden in the depths of the 'other' and then I had work on how to revive 'Me'.
That was the first time that I attempted it,and I was almost there,almost within sight of that last hurdle,and I met D.I didn`t meet D in a pub or club or anything like that I met him on my own doorstep,brought to my house by a friend,which seems like an eternity ago now.
M had a band,not brilliant but a band nonetheless,I had nothing to do with the band and had met M quite by accident,we got on through our love of music,on discovering that I 'wrote' poetry and also played ( attempted rather) keyboard he started to present me with pieces of music he had composed and asked if I could 'find' lyrics to go with it.I duly did so and between us we composed a couple of ( in my opinion) below average songs,but apparently the band liked them and proceeded to record them,in thier bedroom studio.I declined all invites to attend sessions with the band,for a number of reasons,so M just kept bringing me the music.Then one day he brought the vocalist,D.
Now D was handsome,witty and charming,he was also involved with about four women at that time!I had been regaled with the exploits of D over several months by M,so when he introduced him to me he was just one of the boys,I neither looked at him or thought of him in any other way,at least I didn`t think I did.
At this point in my life I had just come through or rather was attempting to come through the most traumatic time of my life,three years and I still hadn`t and couldn`t accept what had happened,I was in point of fact still grieving but,though we can advise others when it comes to ourselves we try to mask that which is there and obvious to all but ourselves.
I look back now and I think if I hadn`t been at that point D would never have got through my door let alone through the wall that surrounds my inner self.
For a week or more I worked with M and D on a song,then it became just D,M having other things to occupy him,not the least of which being his pregnant wife.
We would work on the song and then just talk for hours.
Within two weeks of meeting he had disposed of all his current girlfriends,and I found he was at mine more often than not,I went out for the night with my friends to find him waiting on the doorstep when I got back,everywhere I went,whereever I turned he was there.We talked untill four and five in the morning,about anything and everything,and absolutely nothing happened between us.For five months this went on,and then he dissapeared! For two whole weeks,nothing,no phone call,no visit,no note,no explanation,nothing.I realised I missed him,I was sad,for five months he had filled my life,not with romance but with friendship,and little things like getting me a cushion when I sat on the floor.
Then he came back,and thats when we became more than friends.
Looking back I often wonder if it was because I didn`t succumb to his looks,wit and charm that he pursued me so long?
I should have seen what he was really like,in the being there when i got home from going out,it never entered my head that he would become this possesive,jealous,nasty, control freak.It never for one moment made me wonder why he objected to my being independant,you make me feel unwanted and worthless he used to say,so I curbed the independance and day by day became more dependant on him!
Gradually he took away all that I was,and all that I had,untill in the end,ten years from the start I was nothing!The day I watched him go,and didn`t attempt to stop him,was my release,somewhere deep down inside there was a tiny glimmer of 'me',that glimmer had told him enough!
Broken and bowed I slowly clawed my way back up to the sun,drawing on the strength of my friend whenever I felt like slipping back down.
I thought that this man had taken all that I was,all that I am,but he hadn`t,I had! I had hidden it deep down inside,so deep it has taken many years to find and ressurect,slowly carefully,and now,despite everyday struggles trials and tribulations,I can once again,proudly say....
I am Me!

And here we are again,another monday,another week.
I warn you I intend to ramble and waffle,mainly because my sometimes incoherant thoughts refuse to be colatted into any type of logical order.
Funny things thoughts,you think that you are in charge but really they are.Just popping into your head without a by-your-leave,and jumbling up what is already there!And now these thoughts have me thinking it is time to move on from this job.Dont get me wrong I like my job,well I did,I worked damn hard to get to here,long hours doing the same job without the title or the pay! And now,well now I have it,but,there is no challenge left.In this company I can go no further than where I am,while I can see so much that needs to be addressed,the powers that be have the say,do they listen? well this is at the moment a matter of controversy,since they brought in the new'Whizz kid' to pull the company up by its bootstraps,and said whizz kid set about with his questionares,and his 'visits' to the little branches to see and hear,he said.So he was told by those that know(we the workers)what the customer really wanted,what the customer should really be getting ( apart from quality service)and what did he do? He raised the prices! He brought back the company incentive scheme for his workers,hahahaha,it isn`t worth the paper it is written on,I know,I was there last time they had it running.He has made promises upon promises,he took Area managers from thier areas to work in head office for two months to co-ordinate and streamline all the proposals that had been put forward,and at the end of all this,he raised the prices!So in actual fact he may have listened,but he didn`t hear,he may have looked,but he didn`t see,and in the end he will drive the customer away not bring him in.
Of course the company does have a monopoly,being the biggest in the country and not having any viable rivals having bought out the last one last year.I should set up my own,after all I have the know how,a little independant that while it may not rival them nationwide,could make quite a hole in thier pocket in the right place!
And other thoughts tell me that I have to pay the rent untill the studies are done,pay the bills,and eat.And of course pay for the studies,and then,well that depends on how well I do!
And so we live on a sea of dreams,sometimes it is rough and the dreams are tossed and thrown by the waves of uncertainty,other times it is calm and serene and the dreams bask in the sun of fulfillment.There is a certain American personage that sings a song called The River,sometimes I listen to that song and think how true the words are,I wont put the words down here but it goes along the lines of your life is like a river ever changing as it flows,and goes on to say that your dreams are just a vessal that you sail upon that river withbut the part that I like the most goes "so dont stand upon the shoreline and say your satisfied,choose to chance the rapids and dare to dance that tide" In other words dont sit and let life pass you by,get out there and live it!!

Just look at the time,I should be abed right now,am getting up in five hours.
But,my 'other' self doesn`t want to sleep being too hyped up at the rememberance of things,not quite seen,yet there,on the periphery of vision,on the edge of the consciousness,waiting to be 'clicked' upon perhaps and brought out into the open.
The shadows dancing just out of reach and when we try to look/see they slide away into dark corners,to hide till once again we turn away.Whispering voices,heard yet not heard that touch the senses like soft sensual fingertips,just a brush and gone.
Memories,fleeting,distant,struggling to be brought out into the light and dusted off,just for a little while,to breath that air again,to smell that scent,the one you loved as a child,flowery perfume,strong cloying aftershave,Freshly baked Scones and cakes and buns,the mouth watering scent of cooling pies.
Ah but this is the where the mix up begins,are they my memories,or ones that I have 'borrowed' my mother baked so rarely that indeed the scent was mouthwatering to children that knew only the baking of ' aunties' across the road,or maybe it is them that one remembers so fondly,they that provide the scents,and the sounds. Long gone now as are they,perhaps reflection can sometimes be distorted.

A few blogs ago I said I had watched the coolest fastest darts player I had ever seen.
Watch for a future world champion i said *smuc look on face* And tonight he has become the youngest ever world champion,21 years of age on the 21st anniversary of the lakeside venue, Jelle Klasson has just wowed the crowd with his cool composure and on target darts.In a match that at one point looked as though it would go back to his fellow Dutchman he remained cool,while his opponent sweated,he remained calm,while his opponent missed crucial doubles,he remained composed enough to take the last set without pause,in his own unique style.
Well done Jelle,and the first thing he did when he had thrown that last dart that made him world champion?He jumped down off the stage and went and gave his girlfriend a hug!!
What a boy!!

Last two blogs were soooo nagative so I have assigned them to that great re-cycle bin in cyber space.
It has been far too beautiful a day for negativity,really mild and warm,another very springlike day.Have you noticed how many different shades of blue the winter sky is?
I Siodled out of work early,hehehe,finished all the work made sure everything was cool and nothing important needed doing,and off I went.It was a lovely walk down the hill,with the sunshining,it seemed to be affecting everyone and all were smiley and nodding or saying hello as I walked down.
I didn`t even mind the twentyfive minute wait for the every ten minutes bus,lol,and sat lost watching the sky and the beautiful scenery on the way home,I often think of moving from here,but I have to admit there is some absolutely beautiful scenery to be seen virtually on the doorstep,I guess that makes me lucky really.
Not much else to say for now.

My first is in words and books that I write
My second is in things best left in the night.
My third is in making you shiver in fear
My fourth in my daughter and wife I hold dear
Who Am I??

I went for a wander into town,as I am venturing back to work tomorrow I thought it a good idea to brave the elements and see how I fared.
Not an uncommon thing wandering into town,I was going to the post office to get stamps( which for some unaccountable reason I have run out of) to send some things off that have to go by snail mail. Wandering in a world of my own and almost there when I was stopped in my tracks by the beautiful,haunting,soul wrenching tones of 'Il Silenzio'.I thought I had gone back in time,so powerful were the memories it invoked.I looked around for the source of this wonderful sound and there to my right was a street musician,I haven`t said Busker because they are apparently now called street musicians,scruffily dressed and unkempt his appearence belied the equipment he had at his feet and the trumpet that he was playing so beautifully.I listened to him play a few more pieces and then wandered on to do my bits.
I was amazed at the strong images that the piece of music had provoked when I first heard it.And it got me to thinking how memories can be provoked by the simplest of things,a piece of music,a smell ( I distinctly remember that fairgrounds used to smell of hotdogs and candyfloss and brandysnap) pictures.
Music especially we seem to associate with memories,either because it was playing at a specific time or because we had it dedicated to us.
It interests me what triggers memeories,so come on folks what is it that makes you remember and why.Which piece of music,smell or whatever??

Having done a copius amount of cleaning,and finding that i am now washing things that are clean already,I decided it is time to take a break ( that bedroom is taking some converting)
Following on a 'conversation' with Skip about Peacocks ( minds out of the gutter I mean the birds) where we came across the subject of old Suprstitions,or 'Old Wives Tales' as they are called here.
I know a few like the spilling of salt requires the throwing of salt over the shoulder ( though never sure if it is left or right)
Never put new shoes on a table it brings bad luck to the house.
Never open an umberella indoors it is bad luck.
Peacock feathers in the home spell doom.
Dont walk under ladders.
Good ones too like rubbing or wearing a rabbits foot for good luck ( though it didn`t bring the rabbit much luck if your wearing its foot!!)
Find a pin/penny ( depends where you are as to which that one is) pick it up all the day you`ll have good luck.
So how many do you lot out there know?

Wow this boy is good! I have just watched him topple the worlds number one Mervin King! Despite Kings trying to phase him with the fierce looks each time he got a good score or won a leg,this kid kept his cool and blew him right out of the water.Way To Go,erm I apparently spelt his surname wrong Klaasan is the correct way.
He is now through to the Quarter finals,if he can manage to stay super cool this boy has what it takes to win!!
And Kings answer to being beaten,I wasn`t playing too well tonight,yeah right,the boy beat you get over it,and more to the point,get used to it!!
Thursday 12th, and he does it again, four one up and looked as though he was starting to lose it,Paul Hogan came back to level the scores at four all.But this is when this boy shines,and shine he did proceeding to take the next set without batting an eyelid and winning his place in the semi-finals this weekend.

I have just watched the most fascinating game of darts! I haven`t watched darts in a long time,it being full of the same old faces usually,and of course there is now the betting controversy are they betting on matches and deliberatly losing to make thier money? Probably.
Anyhows,I have just watched a 21 year old play the most fascinating darts I have seen in a long time his name is Jelle Kaasan,watch out for him,because this is a future world champion if ever there was one.Cool Calm and collected he plays the fastest darts I have had the pleasure to watch,he almost got the bonus in the first round! Unfortunately he missed one number and finished in ten darts instead of nine,but it was a heartstopping moment nonetheless.
Guess I will be following it now to see how far he gets,he may just be the upset in this championship!!

Having been given my orders by the 'MR Doctorman' I find that I have some time on my hands,as Jessie says there is only so much cleaning you can do and standing for any length of time causes me to feel like I have been participating in a very wild drinking session.
Thinking beyond the moment is at this moment not possible so instead of writing the usual load of drivel/babble/ramblings.I am going to post some of my pieces of Poetry.
This first one I wrote for my son.

Hush a bye
Hush a bye my baby
Close your eyes and sleep
Here through your windows
The sandman he will creep.
He`s brought dreams of laughter
Just for you,My son!
And he will only leave you
When the night is done.
Hush my little baby
Softly now,dont weep.
Here safe in Mothers arms
You can soundly sleep.

Dreams
I go to sleep and dream my dreams
Of wild escapes and daring schemes!
I ride a horse through Sherwood,
With Little John and Robin Hood.
I sail the oceans crested waves
A laughing pirate,strong and brave!
Or leap swiftly out from hidden den
To save my lord from Cromwells men!
Gaining rich rewards I cannot take,
For at that moment---I awake!

Gossamer

A world that is built on wishes and dreams
Is never as strong as to others it seems.
If they look close they would soon realise
This world is built on a weak web of sighs!
And when the world is too much to take
The wishes all melt,the web it does break,the dreams dim and fade from the eyes.
And the hope that was constant,Shrivels and dies!

Lost

And all around the storm does rage
I stand alone,and wet with rain.
There,amongst the thunderous noise
I thought I heard you call my name!
I search for you in hours lost
I search for you in cities same.
Each time I stop,and say enough!
Again,I hear you call my name.
With all the strength that I possess
While breath in this shell remains
My search for you will never end.
I thought I heard you call my name!
Stood in the midst of this storm I ask,
What if my searching is in vain?
For I have never met you!
The one who calls my name.
Are you lost just like me?
are you searching just the same?
And if we meet will you say?
I thought I heard