Just Me!! The Butterfly effect

Kn--erm Tired. After conversing half the night away,while at the same time studying ( Multi-tasking can be such fun) I decided I needed to go walkabouts,so I went to my favourite spot and waited for the dawn. It was quite fresh out ( thats a nice way of saying it was bliddy cold; ) I pottered about a bit went to see some old haunts, then came back for a hot drink.
I sat down at the desk to study but still couldn`t settle so went for another walk by the river. By this time the sun was well up and people were about still the river banks were empty and so I had a nice solitary walk
This is where I went though of course the trees are a little barer at the moment.

I was pleased to see that the buds are out on the trees despite the cold of the past few weeks.
Today has been beautiful,with the sun shining and I watched a pair of little birds making thier nest in the middle of the river on a little bank of ground.
Daughter landed not long after I got back and it was off into town,again. More walking.
We came back had lunch and then I had to go and get some books that had just arrived at the book shop I ordered them from.
In between ( what inbetween) I have fielded phonecalls from other daughter,son and various friends wanting advice on various things.
And now I am totally and completely......shattered. So I thought I will get on the nice inviting sofa for a couple of hours. Hahaha,yes ok,daughter-in-law-to-be arrives and wants me to have the 'Destructor` while she has her hair done? well she looks tired poor lamb,and a bit down so of course I said yes.
Heyho,we are now being treated to The Silver Brumbies. Only for the hundreth time mind

From Prydwen.

Where were you born?....Southampton.

How old will you be on your next birthday?..A year older than the last and younger than the next

Who was the last person you e-mailed?..Debbie

Who was the last person that e-mailed you?...Kevin

Do you like white chocolate?....Yuk,no.

Tea or Coffee?....Coffee

What is the most embarrasing CD or Album you have owned?....Hmmmm,my baby sister gave me the Bay City Rollers one year probably that one.

What is the worst book you have ever read?...Anything by Barbara Cartland!( Only ever read one)

What is the worst film you have ever seen?....House of a 1000 corpses!

What is the best book you have ever read?.....The Stand by Stephen King,though I have read many that could hold that title.

What is the best film you have ever seen?.......Hmmm,I dont know if I can pick one.

Do you own any cuddly toys?....LOL,yes loads.

If you had to choose your last ever meal,what would it be?.....Lamb,new potatoes,roast potatoes,steamed brocholli,green beans and sugar snap peas,yorkshire pudding and gravy.

Have you ever dyed your hair?.....Yes

what secondry school did you go to.....Eastwood.Later renamed Swire Smiths.

What was the last book you read?...Body in Question by Brian Innes.

What is your all time favourite tv show?...CSI ( the original)

What is your favourite biscuit?....McVities Plain chocolate.

What fictional character would you most like to be?...Katherine Willows.

Have you ever had a crush on a famous person,if so who?.....Hehehe,cant tell you that one.

What type of car would you most like to own?.....Jaguar XK8

Do you have any tattooes?....No

Do you have any piercings?......Ears.

How many pairs of jeans do you own?.....One

Can you play an instrument,if so what?...Keyboard and a guitar a little.

How many jobs have you had since leaving school?...5

What is/was the best job you ever had?.....Nursing so far.

What is/was the worst job you ever had?.....The one I am in now.

Have you ever broken a bone in your body?.....Fractured my foot last year?

What phrase do you use most?.......Not a chance

How many peoples phone numbers are on your phone?........Only family and special friends get my number so not many.

Where did you last go on holiday?.......Wales.

When did you last go on holiday?....Hmm a long time ago

What person do you most admire?.....My friend Debbie

What person do you least admire?.......My low life ex

Do you have any allergies?.....Yes

Where were you the last time you laughed out loud?........In my living room

where were you the last time you cried?......In my bedroom

What is your biggest fear?.....Crowds

What is your greatest hope for the future?.....To be able to do the things I strive to do well.

I took a long wander through blogland last night. I visited all my friends on my list and from there wandered all over. I just kept clicking on random blogs and reading random things. At the same time I was on another site,not a blog site but one I have frequented for quite a long time. I have long been dissatisfied with this other site a lot of that being due to a certain few people that are members there, whose outlook and views makes me wonder just how they were raised. The intolerence shown towards other members and the way they make people leave or get them banned.
But I digress.
On all the different sites that I go on when talking to people or reading what they write, they all seem to have one saying in common " What you get is what you see" I think this must be the only site I have been on where the people dont say that.
Apart from the fact that on the net you dont actually 'See` these people even people out here in the real world say it.
And it isn`t a true statement when you think about it,because what you see is only the outer shell,the casing that holds the inner self.
You may percieve the inner person through conversation,through observation,through listening to them. There is always more to a person than what can be seen from merely looking at them,at what they wear,how they talk.
So if someone says this to me am I to presume that they are shallow? that they have no depth? Or that they are open and not afraid for me to look deeper than the surface that they present?
Or is it a guard against you looking deeper because all you are allowed is the surface person and the one underneath will remain a secret?
And do people look? Or do they take the person who made the statement at face value? How many times have you heard friends say I didn`t know he/she was like that? How many times have you said it yourself?
Humans are fascinating creatures,we are all complex in our own ways.
And me? Well that would be telling wouldn`t it

After deciding for the first time in weeks that I was actually tired,early. I decided that I would have an early night which for me means before midnight well before. I couldn`t settle in bed and got back up to try the sofa.Eventually at about quarter to three I started to just nicely drift off into that phase just before sleep takes you,only to be woken again by much slamming of doors and voices and dammit music. Next door had obviously decided that they hadn`t had enough fun out at the club ( whichever one they had gone to) and had brought the party home!
At four thirty I gave up trying to sleep and at six they gave up partying.
My Grandson arrived at eight and we have had a naming the Dog ceremony. I had that many names I couldn`t choose one single one out of them,so we put all the names in a tub and he pulled one out.
Drum roll here.
And the dog has been named........CJ.
That is the name that was pulled out of the tub and Lucas is now sat talking to CJ and asking him if he likes his new name?
Thankyou to all who took part in this bit of fun and there are a few names that we are keeping for future reference as when I move there are plans to get a real dog!
Grandson has also renamed two of his favourite dogs,one has been renamed Sirius which he quite liked and another has been renamed Moppit. This is due to the fact that he made me read him all the names on the bits of paper after we had drawn the name out!
So here I am absolutely kn..erm tired,with no chance of sleep and two rugrats running round creating havoc,oh what joy.
Wonder if I can get some studying done?

For my new Baby. My Daughter has just arrived with a new baby for me,he/she is a massive Old English Dog ( Stuffed toy of course) that takes up the entirety of my two seater sofa. He/she is Grey and White and adorable. Apparently my present for helping her these past few days and I cannot think of an original name for him/her.
So I need suggestions,I cannot leave the poor thing nameless

Well that has effectively scuppered todays plans. A full day of shopping with eldest child was on the books for today. However as it is snowing like crazy and looks set in for the day,thats now a no-go.
I was quite looking forward to it too
Still I suppose I can find something else to do,study maybe,clean even.
It isn`t often I get to go shopping like this with eldest daughter. She has recently come into some money which though it isn`t a fortune has enabled her to pay some long standing bills and buy things she wouldn`t otherwise be able to afford. Yesterday we kitted the children out and today we were going to buy clothes for her and some bits and pieces for the house.
It has been lovely watching her buying for the children without having to go for the cheapest things or worry about what she can and cant afford. She has finally got something for herself that she has always wanted and thought would only ever be a dream, a four poster bed. With matching dressing table after some bargaining by mam. Having watched her struggle and scrimp and just get by ( A feeling I know only too well from raising mine alone ) with bits of help from me when I have been able, it has been so nice to see her face as she has been able to pay off bills that were haunting her and buy things that are not essentials and not have to feel guilty about doing so.
It has helped me too,my normal trepidition about shopping having to be put to one side to enable me to go with her and help her. Making lists of things that though they are not classed as essentials she can now afford to have.
Ah well to the books it is

From Paddy.
Where were you when.

1)One minute ago?- On Juzzzys page.

2)Ten minutes ago?-Making a coffee

3)Thirty Minutes ago?-discussing presents with my daughter.

4)One hour ago?-Helping the little ones dress up in thier various outfits

5)Two hours ago?-attempting to study

6)Five hours ago?-Studying and blogging

7)Ten hours ago?-Having a conversation with an Owl?

8)1 day ago?-Hmm nursing a severe Migraine and arguing with my landlord.

9)1 week ago?-Probably studying,blogging,and wed so shopping.

10)1month ago?-Just started not working so probably studying.

11) 1 year ago?-Would have been picking the books up after just getting back from work and making a coffee.

12) 2 years ago?-Working.

13) 5 years ago?-Working different job though doing my NVQ in nursing care.( Wed was college day)

14)10 years ago?-Just about to come out of a very bad relationship.

15) 20 years ago?-Writing lyrics for the guy that introduced me to 14.

16) When Challenger exploded?-I was watching it,man that was so strange.

17) When channel 4 started?-lord knows probably sorting the kids out.

18) When John Lennon was shot?-At home with my beautiful children.

19) When Diana died?-At work on the night shift,I had just got one of the ladies out of bed and she was watching the news along with me,she was heartbroken,poor love.

20)When you read this blog?-In my ( soon to be ex) living room,at my posh desk,with three kids running round ( where the hell did they come from?)

An extra one from Helly 100.

21)When the Twin Towers came down?-At home watching from beginning to end,it was my day off work,then ringing people that I knew had relatives there.Crazy day?

Having spent most of yesterday in the Twilight Zone,due to this and that,last night/this morning I decided that I needed something to blow away the negative vibes that had built up. Seizing upon a comment from a friend I decided that I would go and watch the sunrise.
So whilst everyone else ( or so it seemed) was in bed I wrapped up warm and set off for the woods and fields which would give me the best view. Let me tell you it is damn cold out there!But exhilarating all the same. Still dark when I arrived,I located the place I would sit and waited. I wasn`t alone,oh no,my first visitor to my little bench was an Owl,it settled in the tree right at the side of me and cocked its head on one side and gave me that owly look as if to say " what the hell are you doing in the woods in the dark,you cuckoo or what?" very possibly mr Owl,yes I said it out loud,He didn`t fly off instead he hooted back at me,a nice low hoot and so we struck up a conversation for a few minutes,basically he was telling me it was time for night Owls to go to bed,which after about five minutes he decided to do and off he went. He was quite a large owl and it being dark I couldn`t make out too much of his colouring but by his facial features I took him to be a barn owl,though I will check my book later to be sure.I had a few little Birdie visitors and knew that the sun would be coming up soon as they only start singing and foraging as Dawn arrives.Then I got a visitor that decided to actually sit on the bench with me,I think that was due mainly to the biscuit I was eating, A squirrel,he sat there and looked at me,so I offered him some biscuit,at first he jumped down,but didn`t run off,after much coaxing he got back on the bench and took the biscuit I had left at his side.He ended up with about three biscuits all told but I couldn`t get him to eat out of my hand though he did come closer.And the Sunrise ( which the Squirrel sat and watched too) what has always fascinated me,it had been raining/sleeting all night yet as the sun started to rise the clouds just seem to dissapear as if someone has drawn back the curtain to let the light in.Though it was still cloudy in parts these were tinged with different shades of pink as the Sun made its grand entrance slowly bit by bit.With three different shades of blue with black grey and pink clouds against it,the sky slowly began to lighten.Then it clouded over again and began to rain so I decided to come home and get warm with a nice hot drink.
A nice start to the day.And the postman has just been and the promised book has arrived.Looks like it could be a good day today

From Juzzzy who says he didn`t nick it from Helly100

1)When you looked at yourself in the mirror today what was the first thing you thought?....Strong mirror this.

2)How much cash do you have on you?...about eight pounds something roughly.

3)Whats a word that rhymes with test?.....Jest.

4)Favourite Planet?....Earth.

5)Who is the 4th person on your miss call list on your mobile?....Noone.

6)What is your favourite ring on your phone?....Mozarts 40th symphony

7)What shirt are you wearing?....Not wearing a shirt.

8)do you label yourself?...Yes

9)Name the brand of shoes your currently wearing?...Not wearing any footwear at all.

10)Bright or dark room?...Bright with sunlight.

11)What were you doing at midnight last night?...If I have my times right talking on the phone,and trying to type an essay.

12)What did your last text message you recieved on your cell say?.....Mam will you make sure I am up by nine in the morning.

13)Where is your nearest 7-11?.....God knows

14)Whats a saying you say a lot?.....Fine as fivepence.

15)Who told you they loved you last?.....My Son

16)Last furry thing you touched?.....My cuddly dog Bruno ( stuffed toy)

17How many drugs have you done in the past three days?....Painkillers hmmm,just yesterday for a headache.

18)How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?.....Two.

19) Favourite age you have been so far?....The age I am now apart from a few drawbacks to do with the opposite sex I am loving it.

20)Your Enemy....None that I am aware of.

21)What is your current desktop picture?...The red sands of Mars.

22)What was the last thing you said to someone?...alright love.

23)If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly..Which would you choose?...The money.

24)Do you like someone?....Yes.

25) The last song you listened to?...Skylark by Ian Walsh.

All weekend I have been suffering from writers block,no matter how I tried words wouldn`t come.No blog entry yesterday because I have been trying in vain to write the damn essay I have been trying to write for a week.There I sat with pen poised above paper,and an hour later there I still sat,blank paper,pen in hand not one word written,so I changed tactics,turned to the computer,there I sat fingers poised above keyboard and an hour later.Blank screen not one word written. What was wrong with me I have no idea. Writing is not something I have ever had a problem with.Words flow without any prompting needed. In fact I have been called the Word Wizard by my friends a name that has been used by them for a long time. The block was made worse by the fact that the deadline was fast approaching ( tomorrow as it happens) and the more I thought about the deadline the worse I became. Then last night,well early hours of this morning I gave up,I said right thats it,enough,I give up I cant do this blooming thing! I went to erase the question off my otherwise blank page ready to throw the towel in. I looked at the question and there it was fingers to keyboard and an hour and a half later Voila!! one essay written,just like that. Well not exactly just like that,what happened was the minute I decided I`d had enough I started remembering all the reasons that I was doing this in the first place. And I had talked to a friend who had tried to help and what he had said to me did help,in a way. Knowing that there were others that believed I could do it even if my traitor mind wouldn`t play. What really made me laugh when I had finished,I kept thinking if I had been writing that for my blog I would have had no problems in the first place! But then writing for my blog I am not being judged on my grammer and my punctuation ( or lack of) and my spacing,and the content is really irrelavent because it doesn`t matter whether people like it or read it or not as I write it for me,sort of. My release if you like to stop me from blowing a fuse. I can ramble as much as I like,my sentences dont have to be structured around a central question. Anyway I did it,and that is what matters,block gone and on to the next one.Isn`t life grand!!

I have been chuckling to my self most of the morning,I shall explain in a moment,today the sun is shining but it is very cold,is that a warning of snow coming? Anyway back to what has made me chuckle.Last year in answer to a challenge I was erm placed on what can only be classed as site where you meet people,Not a dating site as such,but what happens is you place pics(or not) and place a profile a little about yourself,people message you and rate you. Now I have actually met a few nice people through this site ( Just friends) though there are quite a lot of what I can only class as sleazy. I actually got quite bored by this place and due to something someone else on there said to me decided to use it as a study subject. It has been quite interesting. Anyway I was 'rated' yesterday by a erm gentleman,so I went to look at his profile! Now most people on thier profile place thier profession and interests etc,some you know are just made up but hey each to thier own.On this particular one it invites you to write a little about yourself,on mine it basically says if you want to know ask. Now the basic idea is to meet people even if it is only to chat to,so this persons profile goes like this.
Profession...Private Investigator/Professional Writer
Interests....Writing,Politics,Business,Nature.

His other bits say he likes Peace and quiet,planning the future,doesnt like marrieds/in-relationships messaging him etc
This is the part that made me chuckle
In your own Words.
I`m looking for someone who is loving,commited sincere and respectable!The lady I`d like to meet would posses a skin free from tattos and piercings and would enjoy having a reputation for decency,commited relationships and fidelity.Education,background and personal circumstances do not matter.What does,is a hankering for traditional values and romance,empathy,a giving nature and an aversion to Ann Sommers products.
The lady I would love will be feminine,stable,happy with a quiet lifestyle and possibly be a reader/writer-similar to me,family orientated,with an aversion to clubs,smoking and the 'Adult' industry,so if like me you have no time for sociopaths get in touch.

Thats me out then

I rambled on the other day about the woods that I visit,which I am lucky enough to have only ten minutes from me.Today on my wanderings I decided to get the pics that I took months ago developed so that I could place them on here to show my friends what I ramble about and where I go for my rambles.
So here we go,first the Sandy path I described.

And now the cobbled path

And the valley

I am the worlds worst photographer but they didn`t come out too bad

Seems to be mostly at this time when sleep eludes me and tonight my thoughts have been about people that have passed through my life in one way or another.People I miss,some that have passed on and others that come into our lives for just a little while,to share a little piece of our time and space.It is sad when people move on and you lose touch, remembering how they touched your lives even for just a short time leaving behind them memories to be recalled in the early hours when sleep eludes.
Drinking far too much coffee
Listening to Miss you nights.

I`ve had many times I can tell you
Times when innocence I`d trade for company,
And children saw me crying,
I`d thought I`d had my share of that
But these miss you nights are the longest.
Midnight diamonds stud my heaven
Southward burning like the jewels that I helped place.
And warm winds that embrace me
Just as surely kissed your face
Yeah these miss you nights they`re the longest
How I missed you
How I missed you I`m not likely to tell
I`m a man and cold daylight buys a pride I`d rather sell
All my secrets
All my secrets are a wasted affair
You know them well
Thinking of my going
How to cut the thread and leave it all behind
looking windward for my comfort
I take each day as it arrives
But these miss you nights are the longest
Lay down
Lay down all thoughts of your surrender
It`s only me whos killing time
Lay down
Lay down all dreams and things once remembered
Its just the same this miss you game

Yeah these miss you nights are the longest.

At four thirty this morning,I was looking out of the window at the rain and just sort of rambling in my head when I noticed how dirty they were.I live by a main road and they are hard to keep clean.So without any further ado I got out the glass cleaner and my posh cloths and proceeded to clean them,merrily cleaning away and suddenly realised that the few bits of traffic that were passing were slowing as they got up to and went past.Thinking that something was going on down the road I carried on,then I understood when the same car came past for the third time,they were watching me,lol,what have they never seen anyone clean windows before?Early morning entertainment LJ cleaning her windows. So I tried to imagine what they were thinking as they went past looking up and seeing this erm person window cleaning at 4-30am. Maybe you lot could think of some stuffI was inside by the way considering my living room is two storeys up! So I came up with things like 'crazycow' hmmm,thats a possibility. 'Why is she up so early?' well mate so are you Wonder if shes gonna jump ( that one when I had the window open trying in vain to clean some of the outside) nope we are two storeys up and I is scared of heights!
The things that go through my head!
At 8-45 I was talking to my eldest on the phone and getting her to collect milk as she informed me that she was calling for coffee,never mind I thinks I will have a couple of hours this afternoon,except at that point I had forgotten that I had agreed to have 'destructor' while his mam went to work!! So he is sat watching Cbeebies ( that channel drives me nuts!!) and I am blogging,which is a case of one eye on him and one on the screen.
Events of the day,well apprently a british soldier has come out in defence of this video that is doing the rounds of the soldiers beating some guys up in Iraq he has this to say.

Thanks to Sky and News of the World....more troops will probably be killed.
Just thought I`d let you know the full picture rather than the snippet that is being shown all over the world.
The wall that you see is the outer perimeter of a British Base.All morning Iraquis had been throwing stones and 'GRENADES' at the base. yes 'GRENADES'.The rules of engagement say that the squaddies can open fire......no question of that at all.They could have opened fire when the first GRENADE was thrown,but they didn`t....They showed massive restraint.
Then they charged the GRENADE throwers with batons....batons v GRENADE...
I`d say massive restraint again but foolish.
They then captured some rioters and gave them a good kicking....They could have shot them.
The Beating.
What should they do to people who have been bricking them and throwing grenades at them all morning?
Have a reasoned debate on the politics of the middle east and make them a cup of tea and scones?
I`d say they were f*g lucky just to get a good hiding.
If I had been on duty that day... I would have given the order to open fire as soon as the first grenade was thrown.Whoever gave the order to charge grenade throwers with batons has a screw loose...That is the only thing that has stunned me.
So dont fall for the media trap.Sky has aired the video dozens of times already.they only showed a little bit of the footage of the Iraquis rioting.The initial footage of the riot gives more balance.
You could argue that the beatings were pointless coz they had already been captured.
Logical I suppose.

But the last time I was bricked I was in a convoy in FRY...trust me...you get very angry when you see a mate get a brick in his face.

Mick.

So another perspective for all to think about!

I have thought long and hard about if I should write this or not.And how to write it when I decided that I would.It was initially brought about by something my friend Juzzzy wrote on his blog. Basically it is about prejudices but it is also personal.
A bit of background first.My daughter is gay,not a fact that has ever bothered me since i first found out,she is my daughter and it doesn`t matter to me what she is. She was at first unwilling to let me know which was a bit hurtful as I have never been a judgemental mother.It turned out however that it was because she wanted to be sure first,I found out by phoning a strange number on my itemised phone bill,on being put through to a gay and lesbian centre I merely asked them for some material to help me understand what she was going through.I left it a while before I decided to say to her " Is there something you want to tell me" All I can say is that we worked through things together and despite some really bad times when she had a couple of bad relationships and cut me off,we are now very close again.
One of the things that she had to go through,and still does go through,was/is prejudice,Homophobia.That thing that most of the people she meets tells her they dont have.
It started with her 'Friends' people who she had gone to school with for years turned thier backs on her,in the end she left and did her studies after her GCSE`s at college thats how bad they made it for her.She refuses to pretend she is something she is not and though she doesn`t say to everyone she meets I am Gay,when asked about boyfriends she will tell them.She has coped really well with it has had to leave some places where she worked because of thier attitudes when they find out,but has just got on with life and mostly tried not to let it bother her.Last year it almost cost her not only her job but her piece of mind and it could have been a lot worse.
A couple of years ago she changed her job yet again because of attitudes that had been shown towards her,she is an Auxillary nurse in a nursing home environment,she got another job more or less right away and most people seemed to accept her.She made no secret of what she was and it was turned into a joke and they laughed about it and everything was fine.Then S came to work there.S is male,41 and what at that time was described as a really nice guy.Everyone liked him and he was everyones friend,he took a shine to my daughter and they became friends,he knew she was gay,and was not bothered at all.Over the course of a few months they became best friends,this probably due to the amount of long shifts they worked together. I was pleased that she had someone she could talk to and have a laugh with.It didn`t bother me that it was a male,some of my closest friends are male.I was regaled with tales of S this and S that,and of course her other friends for she didn`t neglect them.Somehow He got put on my messanger and we had three way conversations,because she lived in the next town and we didn`t see a great deal of each other messanger was for us the best way of communicating. Then he started chatting to me when she wasn`t around,at first I felt uncomfortable,I wasn`t really happy that he was chatting to me about her,I kept saying to him,you know she is gay S,and he would reply yes of course it is purely platonic.
She assured me that is all it was and she was happy so I put away my doubts and agreed to meet him. I took my Grandson with me when I went over to spend the day,and so the little signs that would have sounded the alarm bells in my head were overlooked untill later.When I got home and I sat and thought about it,how nervous she was,how he never seemed to let her be in a room alone with me.I left it for a week or so when she rang me and said will you come over,I said yes,so over I went.It was a sunday and the idea was she was taking me to find a place I needed to find and then we were going for a pub lunch,she kept saying you didn`t tell S you were coming and I said no,now by this time she had asked him to back off and not be about so much.When I got there he was there,he came with us to the place and then for the lunch,he never left us alone together the whole time I was there,but untill she told me what was going on I couldn`t do anything.The next day I talked to her on messanger and she told me,he was arriving at 8-9 in the morning even when she had done a night shift,and staying all day,he was telling her that her friends were selfish and using her and she had to get rid of them,he tried to control what she ate what she drank,who she spoke to.So she said enough back off or the friendship was over.He promised to back off,he didn`t.He started sending me emails asking me to talk to her and make her see sense,he Im`d me telling me she was doing this and that,I told him back off give her the space she wants.
Then she cut all communication with him outside of work and thats when the fun started.He sent her letters,he consatantly called at the house,though she refused to answer the door,he emailed her,she took him off messanger and blocked his emails,he sent her even more letters.Constantly he said to her,you cannot do this I wont let you,You dont know what your doing.I didn`t know all this untill she finally broke down and asked me to help.
Work refused to change her shifts so she had to work with him,though she kept telling them what he was doing,he kept telling them she was evil,she was the bad one.And they told her that it was her own fault because she was gay!!!
What!!They beleived him when he told them that she had slept with him,even though they knew she was gay.Despite her telling them different.
Through all this she was alone,not one person would listen.Untill one woman started to think there was something wrong with his tales,if she was so bad why would he not want his shifts changed so he didn`t have to work with her? This person agreed to swap shifts with her,and slowly started to listen to her.To add up all those things that didn`t add up.The rest of them,well they still believed that being Gay was the reason.Then I was brought in,S contacted me and said something about passing where I worked the day before I was told what had happened,I said you should have called in.
He had immediatly sent my daughter an email( using a different addy) telling her that I had invited him for coffee and I believed him and that I thought she was being silly.To wind that bit up the gist is that I sent him a mail telling him if he didn`t leave her alone then I would have an injunction taken out on him and I would follow it through. I then rang her work and spoke to her manager and told her that I was having an injunction taken out on him and they could not work together in any way.After a few nasty mails from him to me and one back telling him that in future pick on someone who doesn`t have people in her corner.He didn`t go into work after my last one and was promptly sacked.Now people started to believe her,now as we found out she wasn`t the first,that he had done this before.She had gone through months of hell not because she was bad but because she was gay! She was shunned as the instigater because she was gay! She had her word doubted and thrown back in her face despite the fact that they knew she didn`t lie,because she was Gay!Homophobia is alive and well like racism it ruins lives and causes pain.
Why can people not accept other people for who they are not what they are?
Wouldn`t the world be a better place?

I just had it,here I sit going on for five in the morning not yet been to bed,not wanting or needing sleep ( well not yet but I am going to try when I finish this)I had some strange things happen to me tonight,I discussed this with a friend and he seemed to think as I did that there was something waiting for me to read it.I couldn`t find what it was,untill a little while ago,and I came across this piece on the blog of a friend of mine http://sacked.blog.co.uk go to his last entry of last night and in the comments you will find a link,click on it and read one of the bravest stories I have heard in a long while.It sure put my problems in perspective I can tell you.
For weeks now I have been on enforced leave and slowly have been allowing myself to get a little more depressed every day,I am not used to having to find things to fill my time with,not used to having time to fill normally I dont have enough. Not concentrating on my studies properly,not wanting to do very much at all really.Now I realise that I can concentrate if I just remember why I started all this studying in the first place,stop losing sight of what is important to me and start getting back that zest that I had that seemed to be fading,but now is back as strong as ever.Sometimes taking a long hard look at yourself and being totally honest with yourself is hard,but it needs to be done to enable you to get on and do what you are supposed to instead of sitting and waiting for something to happen.
Often we bemoan what is missing in our lives and forget about the things that we have,the things that make our lives what they are.Why worry about the things you can do nothing about? It is much better to get on with the things you can take control of,the things that you can change. And you never know the other things might just happen or appear along the way.

Hectic,part of it anyway,but full anyways.First carrying on from last night/this morning.I decided to go for a walk in the woods.Not having seen the other side of my eyelids yet again,I gave up hoping for sleep sometime around five and got myself ready for my walk.The best time to see the deer is very early morning just as it is coming light.with it being Feb thats about 6-45 am. The woods are about five to ten minutes walking time from me,depending on how fast you walk. So I set off and was walking up the Sandy path to the woods around about twenty to six ( there are two paths that go up into the woods one we call the sandy path and the other the cobbled path) at one stage there are trees and bushes between the two paths and I was just passing underneath these when I heard the sound of rustling up ahead so I stopped,sure enough there they were,as I watched they crossed from the bushes across the cobbled path and off into the other side of the woods where it is quite overgrown.Just a few does though no stag,I followed for a little while but then they spooked and were gone. They must have caught my scent though I tried to stay downwind.So that was that I didn`t get to see the mighty stag,but decided since I was there to have a wander. I couldn`t find any trace of the Foxes den,so I dont know where they are if they are there at all. I wandered off into the 'little valley' what a beautiful sight! the sun is up by this time and the whole of the floor is carpeted in Snowdrops,with Heather on the sides of the hills (hardly big enough to call hills but)though a lot of the Heather isn`t very colourfull yet the whole effect was quite stunning.A bit more wandering and home for coffee.
Then I decide to go to the supermarket,feeling full of energy for the first time in a week and very brave.Followers of my blog ( yes all erm six of them ) know that I suffer from something called Oclophobia,which is a fear of crowds,but hey it is Sunday,it is earlyish and most folks will be in bed right? Wrong,ok what happened to doing your weekly shop on a saturday/friday?,what happened to staying in bed on a sunday? How come the world and his wife decided to shop in my supermarket at the very same time that I did,but waited till I was in there and then all turn up together? Stood in the middle of the aisle berating myself because I just yet again for the third day running invited my family for tea,and it was like someone just told them all there were free fivers on that very aisle. I could feel the colour drain and the panic rising,no matter where I looked there were people,thousands of them ( honestly thats what it feels like) I knew I had to focus on something to enable me to get down the aisle and to the checkouts,it is very hard to focus on anything when a panic attack threatens,deep breathing doesn`t work and just becomes panicky breathing.And then I thought about blogging,and all the blogs I had read of all the people that are fighting things much worse than a crowd phobia,and I thought about some of the blogs I read the funny ones,and I started to calm down a little,enough to see a way through ( round actually) the crowd and to the checkout.Next thing I know I am outside and breathing again.
Accosted by two young men on the way back through the market carpark who wished to know where a certain pub was,as if I a lady would know that Anyway I directed them to said pub and by then was almost back to normal ( lol,well as normal as I usually am which isn`t if you know what I mean).
This afternoon My daughter-in-law-to-be arrives,and decides she wants to practice her photographic skills and asks would I model for her.OK a word of advice to the ladies,do not agree to be a model for an aspiring photographer when you are suffering from the flu and had no sleep for a few days.Saying that it was a lot of fun,one of the pics is on my profile( but not for long) we had a lot of laughs and with her being a model herself she knew the best ways for someone to pose,well she said she did anyway.
After the 'session' my son landed and I made a lovely meal of bacon and mushroom Tagliatelle served with a green salad. They left me the washing up though,again!!

Thats me,I think, anyway yes it means I am going to babble and waffle,and just write whatever comes into my head.Whats that saying? 'I think therefore I am',well not very coherently at the moment,it is one fifteen in the morning and I am no nearer sleep now than I have been for oh two or three days,I dont know why,but sleep doesn`t want to embrace me in its soft arms and let me dream sweet dreams,ah well.
My son asked me today what I wanted for my birthday which is fast approaching,I had to think long and hard,I would say surprise me but normally when I say that they all go "oh mam we dont know what you want"well kids if you dont know me by now.Anyway I thought about it and then I said " do you know son,I have never seen my team play on home turf,I have supported them since I was ten and have never been to thier home ground" So he is apparently buying me a ticket to St James Park to watch my team play at home,so yeah thats nice,but,I have to now find out how to get there,trains etc,and I am going on my own so that will be fun,but hey I am all for new adventuresWhats your betting he doesn`t buy it,it will be like the birthday before last when he bought me my driving licence( provisional) not,or last year.Well never mind the thoughts there and you never know he may just surprise me.
And so I went for a walk out today thinking it may just blow the cobwebs away and enable me to sleep (now theres a laugh) It was damn cold but it didn`t stop the cuckoo from singing and it shouldn`t have been,not yet but there it was sat in the trees in the middle of a car park singing its little heart out.And the buds are out on the trees too,despite the cold,spring is just round the corner I guess.So I might take a little trp-a-dee up to the woods tomorrow,whoops,today and see how things are going up there in the run up to springtime. I am hoping to be able to spot the deer if I am quiet enough,which I usually am.They have been coming back slowly since many were slaughtered in the last foot and mouth scare.And they tell me the foxes are back too so I shall have a meander down there to see.

Taken from G and Hellys new together blog
Apparently you are supposed to take the list and fill it in and post it on your blog.
Will that do G&H

Do you have any pets?..No but only because the landlord doesn`t allow them.

What was the last book you read?...Not including text books? Profile of a Criminal Mind by Brian Innes.

Do you like to cook?.....Yes very much,I am an excellant cook( bit boasty there)

Whats your favourite food?....Hmmm,I dont really have a favourite but a full dinner with Lamb and all the works.

Are you good at cooking/swimming etc?...Cooking yes,I cant swim though it is on my to-do-list.

Are you married or single?......Single

Do you live in a house or a flat?...Well it is actually classed as an Apartment as it has two floors.

Have you ever lived in another country?....Singapore when I was little.

Have you ever met a famous person?....Jimmy Saville,James Robertson Justice and the members of Slade before they were famous!!

How do you spend your free time?....What free time?lol,if/when I get any I like to go out with friends/walk/listen to music/read.

How tall are you?....5ft 2and ahalf ins,petite I think they call it

Tell me about a favourite event of your Adulthood?.....Hmmm,My daughters wedding day.If I have to pick one though there are many.

Tell me about a favourite event of your childhood?...Sorry cant do that one

What do you do on Sundays?...Same as every other day Study.

what is your motto?.......If at first you dont succeed give it up and go to the pub no seriously I dont really have one, how about if life throws you a curve,throw it right back?

What is your Religion?...Well I dont really have one though if I had to name one it would be Paganism.

What kind of people do you like?....I like all kinds of people so cant really say.

What kind of people do you not like?...Liars!

What languages do you speak?...English and apparently fluent Malayan but I cant remember it??

What two things could you not do when you were a child but can do now?......Be me,be free!

Whats something you do well?...Listen

Who do you live with?...Me

Who do you respect the most?....Thats really hard there are a lot of people I respect I dont think I can choose one.

Who has had the most influence in your life?....To be honest again I cant pick one person,it is a combination of people that have put me on the path I am now on both good and bad!

Would you like to be famous?...Actually not famous as in splashed all over the papers etc,but I would like to be known in my subject field and respected in said field.

When do you feel best? In the morning,afternoon or evening....It depends I am most definately a morning person,music on etc but if I have a good day then its all day if not I guess it is morning before things go bad.

What could you do as a child you cant do now?...Nothing

Who is your next door neighbour in your home country?....Grahem on one side and a young lady called chelle on the other

How many times did you move as a child?....I am an Army Brat too many to count

Are you a task orientated person or a people orientated person?.....Definately people its my erm Trade.

What is the profile of the wife/husband you would meet?.....I dont really have one.

What kind of woman/man would you like to marry?.....Honest,humerous,intelligent and a good personality.

Having decided weeks ago to start watching more TV ( due to not being able to answer questions on Cjs quizzes) I have this past couple of weeks been doing just that.I still cant abide the 'soaps' I have tried I sat through two episodes of Coronation street,but the minute 'our Deirdre' started flirting with that guy,that was it,enough.How does she do it?And dont tell me it is just TV,there are women out there like that.
Anyway I have become quite addicted to certain programmes,this is the problem with starting to watch TV,now I will want to take time out from studying etc to watch these programmes.
Like tonight, Killer Instinct Channel five,9-00pm. I love this programme almost as much as CSI the original ( which I never miss) it is gritty and graphic,tonight one of the lead characters was at a wedding and getting chatted up by some guy,the bride walks down the aisle and turns to look at the people in the church and goes 'BOOM'!!! Thats one way of stopping a wedding!! and they hadn`t even got to the bit that says if anyone knows of any impediment!!
The search for the bomb unearthed the fact that it was the wedding dress,what a waste five grands worth of silk and satin,tsk. Anyway the twist in the programme comes when it turns out its a cop doing the bombing! A great story and I quite enjoyed it.
I am also quite hooked on Invasion and supernatural and of course Prison break,which they are showing the first three episodes of back to back tomorrow on Channel five.
Add to these the other programmes I normally watch Charmed,CSI the original and Law and Order criminal Intent,I seem to be watching quite a bit of TV lately,is that good or bad??

Crap.After alternately shivering/sweating all night I finally gave up any hope of sweet dream filled sleep and got out of bed,this was about 4-30am,since then I have been Freezing/boiling,shivering/sweating,coughing,sneezing and using tissues like they are going out of fashion.
My head feels like I finished off two bottles of Jack Daniels last night and my chest feels like some bear decided to hug me when I wasn`t looking.My voice fluctuates between a hoarsy whisper to a cracked version of its normal self which isn`t that good anyway.
My darling daughter rang me at 8-45am to let me know the latest installment of the grandson saga,he was sent home yesterday as he was 'unwell' seems he is absolutly fine today!
I answers the phone and croaks a hello and she says "oh you dont sound at all well" no shit Sherlock!! What makes you think that? Cruel I know but she is so good at stating the obvious.
Like wrap up warm and drink plenty,ok so I taught you all this,so now your telling me?
Anyway,I decided that lying on the sofa under the duvet feeling like death and sorry for myself was not going to get me anywhere,so I showered and dressed and brushed my golden ( ok auburn) locks and,I still feel like shite but at least I am clean and not laid feeling sorry for myself.
Once again in the land of the ( almost) living and (sort of) raring to go I shall get some studying done if it kills me!!
At least the sun is shining

I seem to have had a lack of it just lately,when it has come to my poetry,I haven`t written anything for a while nothing has been coming to me.Usually a line comes into my head and I may have it there for a day or two or even less and the rest will just follow at its own little pace.But nothing,just an empty place where my inspiration used to be.
Then last night I was watching my son and his fiance and these lines came into my head.
Speak to me not with words that I may misconstrue,
But with a look that I know is just from you.
Speak to me not with words that will blow away,
But with a touch that shows here you will stay.

Thats it,all there is,lets see if any of you out there can finish this poem,in any way you wish.

OK,right at this moment I should be studying,I am slightly behind and was going to spend today and tomorrow catching up.So what am I doing instead,nursing the hangover from hell( I swear someone has switched this otherwise actively seeking mind with a metronome) and nursing one very sick,feeling sorry for herself daughter!!
Thats what mums are for I hear you say,yes normally they are but this daughter left home years ago! It was my sons engagement last night and he went and brought her over for the do because he wanted her there,only natural,she had stated she didn`t feel very well on arriving,she didn`t want to go,but she was persuaded and off we went.She isn`t one for parties and get togethers of a family kind due to the split between her and her sister,they cant stand each other,I warned them both that they had to be at the very least civil to each other last night,it was thier brothers day and they were not going to spoil it for him.And they actually ended up laughing and joking together for most of the night,so that was good.We had hoped this would happen,my son and I,which is why we made sure that they were both going to be there.
It was a good night,mostly,apart from the Karioke!It was held at the sports bar/nightclub where my son works and was open to the public,they chose last night because sundays are the quietest nights,if thats quiet then I dont want to be there on a saturday!!lol,actually I have been and that place just heaves with people,not often I go on saturdays because it is way too full for me.
As I say a good night,now what makes people think when they have had a few drinks that they can perform with a microphone?? I wont say that they were all bad,not at all some were downright diabolical!!My poor ears,I resisted the temptation to pull the plug out,and just had quite a few 'toilet ' breaks instead.
And back to my sick daughter who has spent the entire morning throwing up and is laid on my sofa feeling very sorry for herself,obviously she cant go home in that state,so looks like she is hear for a couple of days at least.Poor Bairn and she really doesn`t look well,the thing is had she not been here with me she would have had a few hours in bed to get over the sicky bit and then got on with it,but being at home with mummy seems to make them worse??
Never mind worse things happen at sea!!

My son and his fiance

Sheesh the blogs I have been doing have been so heavy,time to lighten up.
I have been thinking of the things that make me smile and the things that make me laugh. I have a witch that sits in front and to the right of my screen,and it has just reminded me of the time that my older brother P first called me a witch! He used to work on a farm,it wasn`t far from us being lucky enough to live at the bottom of fields with a wood and the farm was just behind the woods ( Its a housing estate now,the farm,not the woods)The farmer decided one day when P had done extra for him to pay him for this extra with chickens.Which was nice except they were live chickens.Two of them for dinner,bearing in mind P was 10,which made me 8.
P decided after being told the tale of 'The Rabbit' that it was safer if mother didn`t kill,pluck and otherwise dress said chickens and we would do it,he and I.
Hahahaha,right!!
So off we goes into the cellar with two chickens an axe and a dirty great big rock to act as a chopping block!!It took a while to catch the first of said chickens and place it in the position of having its head chopped off ( I apologise to vegetarians for this,but,such is life) P wanted me to hold it in place while he raised the axe and 'did the job' yeah,ok,one thing I wasn`t was stupid like I was going to put my hands/arms anywhere near where that axe was going,I still bear the scars from the 'Red hot poker' incident.
So after much to do and chicken escaping ( well would you lay there quietly while someone chopped your head off??!!)He finally with one massive swing did the deed,a nice clean,cut,except we suddenly had a headless chicken running round the cellar spouting blood everywhere,do something,he shouted at me.So I calmly turned to the chicken and said "lie down and die you stupid bird" at which it promptly fell to the ground and didn`t move.P stood staring at the now very still chicken,then at me,then at the chicken,then at the cellar which was covered in blood,he was covered in blood,I had not a drop on me,and then he said in a whisper" Oh my God your a witch" I didn`t tell him,he being the older,that the chicken had dropped because it had finally realised it was dead and probably run out of blood,I didn`t tell him,that being the person I was I couldn`t stand to see him cut its head off so had hid at that moment which is why I had no blood on me,I was out of the way.I had some peaceful weeks him being still too scared to openly attack me or bully me because he thought I would command him to " lie down and die" as I had done with the chicken.
It didn`t last,but it was nice for a while

I dont normally get angry,to me anger is a useless emotion right up there with hate.It solves nothing,it cures no ills and usually just makes a situation worse.I get annoyed sometimes,mildly irratated,but usually apply calm logic and common sense and that way find the answer to whatever it is that has irritated me.
But,I am angry!!and the more I think about it the angrier I am getting.I know I shouldn`t,I know I should be reasonable,But,I cannot think of one reasonable explanation for what has happened apart from the stupid I dont care attitude of a so called proffesional!!
I will enlighten,I wasn`t going to write about this because the person is my best friend,she is the one person that is the closest to me that any person has ever been,she is the sweetest,nicest,person I have ever met and we have been friends for a very long time.She has stood by me through my bad times and I have been there for hers.Weeks can pass without contact but,when we speak it is like yesterday that we last spoke.We live our lives but know always that the other is there at the end of the phone.
She is with a lovely man who worships the ground she walks on and she has four lovely children,the youngest two to the man she is now with.
And that brings me to why I am angry,her third child was born with many problems,he is gorgeous this little man and I love him dearly,I was honoured to be chosen to be his Godmother.In amongst kidney problems and many other things he has suffered it was discovered through the continual observation and questioning of his mother that when he was born he had suffered a stroke! This meant that the left side of his body didn`t function as it should,he could not use his left arm,indeed found it difficult to raise it his left leg was the same.Through many visits to hospitals and specalists it was decided that as a baby he could be 'taught' to use his left side much the same as teaching him to read and write. So began Physiotherapy,any adult that has undergone this procedure knows how arduous it is,but the little man was coming along,his mother dilligently did his Physio every day,helping him to start the slow process of being able to hold things and eventually to walk.He was given a walking frame but still continued to drag the foot.So they decided that to help him combat this they would pot the foot.
His first pot was fine,blue in colour and he was proudly showing it off to anyone that happened to stop and look.Then he had to go for it to be changed,apparently it was a farce from start to end,in the room to have his foot done,my friend is slightly annoyed that the gentleman( and I use the term very loosely) who was supposed to be doing the foot seemed more concerned with the conversation going on between another patient and a doctor,so much so that having put the bandage on my friend remarked that she could only see four toes,he brushed it of saying it would be fine,she insisted that the little toe was not showing,he brushed her off by saying it would be fine.
The first full day he seemed ok,the second day he was limping and obviously in pain the third day he was back at the hospital having it removed,not only had it crushed his little toe,it had caused an infection,he has pressure bruises along the top of his foot and he now point blank refuses to use that leg again.Six whole months of careful and considered work down the drain,he was all set to start nursery after the spring break,now he cant because they wont take him if he isn`t walking.This 'person'!! has set him back six months!! My friend has started a complaints action,they are 'looking into it'.
It has made me so angry that this man wouldn`t listen,that a proffesional could be so callous in the treatment of a child!!!
I have to stop now because I am going to say something I shouldnt!

I am in a bit of a quandry at the moment,I have seen my brother this morning for the first time in well it has to be eight/nine months.He walked past me with no acknowledgement at all,fair enough we were on a crossing going in opposite directions,but as I went to say hello,he had his face turned slightly so the moment passed and the words never passed my lips,it wasn`t that he didn`t speak,my family are given to moments such as these,being the black sheep I rarely see any of them even when they come into 'town'.But,my brother ( this one anyway) and I had been close at one time,when his wife died suddenly leaving him with a 10 month old baby to raise I stepped in and helped where i could,eventually bringing the child up as one of my own till he reached the age of twelve,when he went back to live with his dad full time.My brother did see my nephew,he went home every other weekend to be with him and he came to visit him through the week etc.The main problem was and always has been the fact that my brother drank/drinks.While married to Heather he was doing ok,she kept him to a limit and it looked like it was working,then she became ill,turned out she had Gall stones,they wouldn`t operate due to her um,size,so they put her on a special diet.Heather and I were not best buds,we in fact had only just started speaking again some six weeks before she died,this was due to the fact that her and my brother had fallen out with me over something my ex-husband had done the previous year at thier wedding.A wedding I was unable to attend due to being released from hospital that same morning under strict instuctions that I stay at home and rest.But for some reason they held me responsible for the obnoxious way my ex behaved!
Anyway they put her on this diet,which she didn`t keep to,and so one day collapsed in pain and was rushed into hospital.The hospital concluded ( wrongly as it turned out) that she was suffering from no more than bad digestion and sent her home.that was on the weekend,at the beginning of the week she collapsed again and was rushed back in,this time they discovered that the Gall Bladder had for some reason disintegrated and dispersed Gall stoned around her insides,one of which had lodged against the Pancreas and was in effect killing this organ.There was by this time nothing they could do,her organs were beginning to fail one by one and it was only a matter of time,she was now on life support and all we could do was wait.She died on the friday,she never regained consciousness from the first day.
Heather was an only child and needless to say her parents were devastated,I sat with them for hours and just let them talk,the funeral came and went and things for us got back to a semblance of nomality,of course for my brother they didn`t but we took it in turns to go and see him and check that there was food in and make sure the little one was ok.The one thing that had been uppermost in our minds was the drinking.When this had happened his friends had each gone to see him and of course they took with them a bottle or two and beer etc.What else do you do? What can you say? Just let him get drunk and get it all out.But there comes a time when people stop coming and bringing stuff,and they get tired of being a shoulder to cry on,and the general consensus is that you should be getting over it by now and getting on with things,but as anyone who has lost someone close knows it doesn`t happen that way.Left alone with no good buddies to help and only us when we could find time from our own daily lives he turned back to the drink.The times in those first eighteen months that we tried to help him stop,the times that we have gone and cleaned the house and pointed out how it was affecting the child,the pushing him to go get a job so he could focus on something other than himself and his grief.And it worked in the end,he came to me and he asked me if he got a job would I have his son while he worked,of course without question.Then it became apparent that him picking him up after work wasn`t feasible if he was working over,taking the child home at ten at night wasn`t good for the child,so he stayed with me all week and went home at weekends.He eventually gave up his house and went back home,the child stayed with me.Every weekend became fortnightly and I raised his son with my own children,untill he went back to live with his dad at the age of twelve.
At that time we lived next door but one to each other,and we saw a lot of each other.I even stayed there for six weeks while in the transition period from moving out of rented and into my own house.And right up to three years ago his is how we were,then I moved again,and we saw less of each other.And still the drinking and the depression were there.He kept giving up,he kept going into hospital through falling and not eating properly and each time i was there visiting,taking him what he needed,etc etc.Then one day I told him I couldn`t go on being his prop,he had to stop or he would kill himself.He promised he would,he went to the doctors,he got on a programme and he was doing so fine.Last summer he tried to kill himself!I hadn`t seen him for several months but I wasn`t worried because every time he sobered up and got a job he cut me off.It took the family three days to tell me what he had done,I contacted my nephew as I was at work at the time,he said odnt come on till tomorrow,ok fine,so I rang the day after,apparently they were moving him to a hospital in Leicester because he was on life support and they were going to try this new and innovative treatment whereby they replace the blood with oxygenated blood and eventually then you can breath without aid.All the time he was in Leicester when the rest of the family went to see him( just my mother and sister) I was not invited to go,when I rang to ask if I could go with them that weekend,they werent going,they went on weekends they knew I couldn`t go.I rang the hospital every day,bet they were sick of me!Then I was told he was being sent back here to our hospital as he was now breathing freely for two to three hours at a time.It was made plain that my nephew didn`t want me to visit,so I didn`t just phoning every day to make sure he was ok.I have not seen him untill today since he came home.And I couldn`t believe how bad he looks he now walks with a stick,I knew he did but have only just seen it,he is drinking again,apart from the fact that I could smell it as he passed,my mother had already told me some time ago.Why do I not feel guilty for not defying my nephews wishes and going to see him?
Why is it that all I felt today was pity for what he has done to himself?
This is my brother,I helped him through his hardest times,yet it was like looking at a stranger.And that makes me sad.

I have spent the past two weeks basically doing not much,this is not a state I am used to.I am used to rushing round and never having enough hours in the day for the things I need to do. Leaving the house at Seven working all day getting back at about quarter to seven at night,having evening meal ( when I remember) hitting the books,writing,reading,bath and bed,next day repeat.With the odd night off to go out with friends.
So this two weeks has been very strange for me,but it has also been demoralising,maybe it is too much time to think,whatever it is I have found my self confidence being eroded,slowly each day another little piece has gone. I am basically a shy person,in fact a very shy person,I may not come across that way on here but on here I use the written word which i have no problem with.I have of the occasion taken the initiative to text someone first,or to mail someone first,again it is the written word not a problem.I have found myself getting to the point of saying whats the point? The meeting tomorrow with 'the big guys' I had no plans to dress other than the way I have been for the past week trousers jumper,nothing classy in fact a little dowdy really,because whats the point? In fact at one stage yesterday and this morning I felt like ringing them and saying I`m not going to be there because whats the point?
But then a couple of things happened,one was the obtaining of something I had been waiting for.
The second was two phone calls,from the same person.The first one was so unexpected and as I say I am basically shy so I either come over as too chatty or not chatty enough.But what was so good about these unexpected calls apart from getting to talk to a nice person,was what was said.It was said in the first call and it was only a few words,but it was all I needed to say wait a minute,there is a point!!
So I will be wearing something classy ( but not overly so) and I will be going,and I wont let them have it all thier own way.
See sometimes thats all it takes a few words.
Sometimes friends are all you need.
So thankyou Friend

Well ok,I have apparently been tagged by the Purple Dragon,my fault for being nosey If you want to know how go here http://purpledragon.blog.co.uk

Well Yesterday I got up.
I made a coffee.
Checked my emails
Went and said hi to some friends on one of the sites I frequent.
Checked the two sites I am assistant manager and moderator of respectively.
Checked on my blog friends.
Turned the comp off and went to other desk and worked on the books for a while.
Then went into town to see a friend and get some info for the little'job' he wanted doing.
Came home had a bacon and mushroom sandwhich with brown sauce.
Hit the books again.
Did some more blogging.
Drank way too much coffee
Chatted with some friends
Drank even more coffee!

Wasteland
The creak of leather on horses as they stand side by side.
The blue and they grey facing across the divide,
Bedraggled and dirty,weary,hungry and cold
Bleak looks on the faces of the young and the old.
So proud they did stand when the battle was new,
Now days take thier toll,survivors are few.
The Captains had met in the dark hours of night,
They said before dawn they would end this fight.
For days they had fought,neither side backing down,
The noise of cannons and gunfire echoing around.
Now the captains were weary,too many lay dead,
And the bridge that they fought for spanned a river of red.
They stood on the banks praying for those they had known,
Then saluting each other they turned,to make thier way home.
The once stately trees are blackened and charred.
The beautiful meadow is sparse now and scarred.
And here comes the sun with paintbrush in hand,
To paint a fiery red dawn across this wasteland.