I am always proud of what my children achieve though it may not be much in the eyes of others each little obstacle they overcome is something for me to praise them for,not always openly too much praise can sometimes have adverse effects just as too little can.
My son dropped out of school without taking his exams this was his choice,not one I wanted him to make but he was old enough to make his own decisions. Since then he has had numerous jobs,seems he couldn`t find anything that kept him interested,nothing that satisfied this hunger he seemed to have.
Two years ago he started working at a sports bar/nightclub,within a few months he was bar supervisor,then bar manager. He is now Assistant manager and being trained by the company that owns the venue to eventually take over as manager. A job he already does as the 'Manager' also manages another club.
OK so its not that big a thing,but the Owners of the venue gave my son permission to do a re-launch of the nightclub side. It has been a poor six months or so and takings for the night club haven`t been as good as they could be.
He investigated all sorts of different ideas and came up with the one he wanted to do,they discussed it and the money involved and eventually they gave in and said ok do it.
Tonight is the re-launch,I walked round town today and everyone is talking about the club and my sons name is being mentioned everywhere. Apparently he has hired a club DJ named Danny Bond to do the music tonight. Now I dont have a clue who this guy is,but apparently he is some bigwig club DJ that plays all over the country. And this is the talk of the town,they are expecting maximum capacity crowds tonight.They have hired extra doorstaff and bearing in mind that this venue is over two floors with the nightclub on the top floor and the sports bar on the bottom it is going to be a long night for my son and his staff.
And when I was walking round the town and hearing all these people talking about how Mike must really be something to get Danny Bond I am thinking thats my son they are talking about. And it made me feel good.
I am a very proud mama tonight. But then I always am

Still pouring it down here,and windy.It is really gloomy outside. There were 33 songs named yesterday that had rain in the title. So how about songs that just have references to weather in their titles like.
Dont let the Sun go down on me....Elton John and George Michael.
Storm in a teacup......Thunderclap Newman
The sun aint gonna shine anymore......The Walker Brothers.
Damn I`m stuck again,as with the rain songs I am sure that there are a lot more than that or I thought there was.

Thats a song believe it or not,I cannot remember who sang it and can only remember a few of the lines but it always pops into my head when it is pouring incessantly as it has been these past two days. There are quite a few rainy day songs when I think about it.
Rainy days and Mondays... by the Carpenters,I quite like the Carpenters such talent such a waste.
Rythhmn of the Rain... hmmm,now cant quite put my finger on who sang that though it has been done by a few.
Crying in the Rain... an Everly Brothers classic
Its raining men.....The weather girls,cannot have rain songs without that one.
Rain....Maddona
Flowers in the Rain...The Move
I am sure that there are many more but my brain is in slow mode this morning and now that I want to recall all the rainy day songs I cant think of them. I am sure others will be able to think of ones I have missed

Long ago,in a glade deep in an ancient forest,a young white unicorn slept beneath a dark,wintry sky.Suddenly,just after the moon had risen,a comet streaked across the sky,scattering tiny stars and flakes of stardust in a blue haze across the silent forest kingdom. When the unicorn awoke,he found himself covered in a blanket of brilliant blue sprinkled with stars and starflecks.
Thus was born the legend of Stardust,the Blue Unicorn. Magical,mysterious and forever touched by the sky,he roamed the forest for centuries.Stardust was thought to have had magical powers and his horn or 'Alicorn' was coveted by healers and common folk alike,yet none ever caught more than a glimpse of him. He could run faster than the swiftest wind and hide in the thinnest cover like the moon ducking behind wispy clouds. Only the pure of heart could hope to see Stardust,and the luckiest of those might be honoured to lay a gentle hand upon his face. This intelligent and untameable creature became a legend and a symbol of purity and innocence.
Thats the legend on the card that came with the beautiful Unicorn that my son bought me for Mothers day.
And so on to the other part,my darling son has appointed me wedding planner,they have named the day. Though at first they wanted it this year!! I finally persuaded them that to plan a church wedding in fourteen weeks can be done,but it is possible that they may not get a church at such short notice and what about the money!! So 21st July 2007 is now the date set.
Today I have provisionaly booked the church,got them an appointment with Clive ( The Vicar),sorted the cake,drafted a preliminery guest list,designed the bouquet and cut the wedding dress possibles down to nine. We now have Three bridesmaids two flower girls and two page boys. Cut the ushers down to four and I have somehow ended up doing the catering as well. I have drafted some designs for the reception venue and now have to design the table settings.
So much for todays studying.

What a beautiful way to start the day,From the soultouching tones of Breathless ( Played in honour of Jake and Sarah who got married yesterday) through to the long languid notes of Somewhere over the Rainbow and Summertime. Intersperced with the Melancholy of Wind beneath my wings,Waiting for you and Forever in Love. Played by the wonderful Kenny G.
I adore the Saxophone,the way it can change from beautifully haunting to upbeat dance music in no more than a breath.
Sleep decided to elude yet again,so instead I relaxed to the hauntungly beautiful notes of Kenny G,allowing him to transport me to worlds of wonder. Closing my eyes I can see the music,hear it and breath it almost touch it.
This then is my meditation,as the music fills my soul it enables me to relax and unwind.
Makes me think of beautiful languid summer evenings beneath the stars drinking wine and relaxing.
A beautiful sound for a lazy sunday.

It didn`t start out that way,it started rainy and gloomy just seemed to match my mood really. A handful of bills through the door,an argument with the bank ( and aren`t they fun!!) It was turning into one of those days when you just want to hide and tell everyone to sod off.
The Destructors mam came and for once instead of sitting here for the rest of the day she took him home,I was free!!
I have been stuck indoors for three days solid,it has been driving me nuts,like a blade of grass I need fresh air and rain and sunshine. I need to feel the breeze blowing through my hair,to blow the cobwebs away. Stuck inside I am like a caged animal.
Anyway,I decided that I would go out,the sun was now shining and it looked lovely,I would have gone even had it still been raining.
To the woods of course,where else?
I have wandered these woods since I was little,whenever I needed peace and solitude,whenever I needed to work something out,whenever I needed to hide from the world,these woods have been my haven.I have wandered them in every season,at all times of day and night,and they still thrill me,they still make me stop and gaze in wonder at the leaves unfurling and the flowers blooming. The smell still makes me stop and breath in great lungfuls of fresh, green, wood scented air. I have watched over the years as man has encroached and the estates around have got nearer,how they thinned the top part out so people could walk their dogs and they placed a picnic site there too. The bottom half is untouched and several years ago they replanted trees in the fields in an attempt to bring the woods farther down where they used to be.I sat on the bench where we sat when we were kids ( though the original bench bearing my brothers carvings was replaced sometime ago) and looked down on the street where I grew up. And today it was just a street?
I wandered for a while and managed to get a quick glimpse of the fox,but he was too fast for me and it was no more than a glimpse. I left biscuits and apple for the Squirrels,but didn`t stay to watch their antics,I wandered up and down and just thought of nothing much at all. Just enjoying the warm sunshine and chattering of the birds and the sweet smell of new growth.
I came home refreshed and relaxed for the first time in days.With any luck I will sleep tonight.

The homecoming wasn`t marked with a party or ballons or any kind of celebration.the male parent had brought home a car and went to collect PG.He brought him in sat him down and left to get his stuff out of the car,mam presented him with a biscuit which he refused and then just left him there and went off to put his things in the bedroom. Brother D kept asking me " who`s he?" I told him several times that PG was his brother,but D couldn`t understand,all he saw was a child younger than him who was going to usurp his place as the youngest,he wasn`t hostile towards him,but PG would have nothing to do with him or any of us. Mam hadn`t been able to go out for a few days with the male parent being home,and she was in a tetchy mood. She did however see to PG when he needed something though I remember she complained to the Male Parent that he was 'difficult' He replied " If you had gone to see him at least over the past weeks he would know who you are" He knew the Male Parent and it turned out that he had been going to visit him,even though mam hadn`t. I was intrigued by the fact that PG didn`t know his own mam,I had always thought that when a child was born it knew who its mam was and that PG would still know her even after all this time,she was his mam it followed he would remember her even if he didn`t remember us. The only person he asked for was Carla.
The weeks passed and PG became used to us,still very quiet but allowing me to read to him and help him to draw. The others would play with him for a little while then get bored and go off and do their own thing. He would be waiting for me when I got home from school with his story book,and I would read it to him while I was doing my jobs. Mam had gone back to her normal routine,though when we were at school she had to stay in through the day,which she normally spent next door or at the top of the street with a neighbour up there.
Carla tried to visit once but she was refused entry to the house and mam wouldn`t let her see PG,she left some things for him which mam put straight in the bin when she closed the door.
I sneaked out of the house through the front door and ran down the street to catch her as she left,I took her some drawings PG had done and gave them to her,I was really angry with mam,Carla was crying when I caught up with her,she said she had something in her eye. I told her I would take care of him and she said " no thats their job not yours" she gave me a hug and said goodbye,I never saw her again.
I got a sound hiding for that but I didn`t care it was nothing new and was worth it.
The years passed and PG grew,Baby B was born and a lot of my attention had to go on her,I included him as much as I could in the routine,but he was a boy and the Male Parent when he was at home would make him go outside with the other boys,but he wasn`t like them. He didn`t like to play the games they did and they bullied him. When he was seven he came back from playing out and complained his arm hurt,the others all called him a softie and mam told him to quit whining,I looked at his arm and I knew it was broken,I kept on at mam and said he needed to go to the hospital,she told me if I was that bothered to take him myself.So I did,sure enough his arm was broken,we were on there for hours,they eventually were convinced that he had just been playing and it was an accident. When we got back he got a fuss made of him because he was hurt,I had to catch up on the work because I had been out so long. It turned out that the boys had been swinging him round by his arm and had let go and he had fallen awkwardly. Boys will be boys I was told when asked why they didn`t get in trouble for it.
Life went on pretty much as normal,PG was never like the others and would spend a lot of time alone,he didn`t like school as he was bullied there too,I couldn`t do anything about that but I protected him as much as I could at home. Then I left,I didn`t want to leave the others but I had to get out and I did it the only way I was able I got married.
Things pretty much went from bad to worse for PG after that,then I found out his ' Secret' when I walked in on him and a friend on a visit to see mam. I sat them both down and talked to them,explaining that they had to be careful about what they were doing as they were underage.PG begged me not to tell anyone and I promised I wouldn`t but he had to eventually tell them himself. His 'Secret' he was gay,he said to me when we were talking " I suppose you hate me now and think I am a pervert or summat" I told him that it didn`t matter to me in the slightest he was still my brother and always would be.
He did a lot of silly things before this,some I saw some I was only told about by the others,he cut himself,he would set out to school and not go and when he got home he would have cuts and bruises and would say he had been beat up,he had done it himself. Once he came home with all his clothes ripped and cuts all over saying he had been mugged,I was visiting that day and I knew he was lying as the 'rips' were perfect cuts. The crunch came when he was sixteen,he got arrested. He had been caught with some other boys in a room at the Army Cadets. PG was the oldest and he was the one in the wrong the others were just classed as ' Boys talked into commiting lewd acts " PG was prosecuted he was the 'Gay' the one in the wrong.
Life became quite hard after that,though I wasn`t around for most of what happened,he came to see me and he told me what had been happening,The Male Parent had told him he was disgusting and refused to talk to him for months,he was tolerated in the house and when he went outside Mothers moved their children away from him. I actually saw them do this and it was hard seeing the look on his face when they did it. He got himself an apprenticship as a chef. He came to see me one day and said he was going to Scotland with an apprenticeship and that he would write.
The next we heard he had a girlfriend and was talking about getting married,I was puzzled by this as he had told me that he couldn`t be what they wanted that he was what he was. Then the next we heard his girlfriend was pregnant. Then she had given birth to a little girl. He had been home a couple of times during all this but she never came,we never met her or the baby. When pushed to bring her down we recieved a letter saying she had died in a carcrash,the baby was at her grandparents. He came home,he would only talk about her when pushed,there were no letters from the grandparents about his daughter. Mam pushed him to bring her down to meet the family and off he went,then mam got a phonecall,the little girl had been killed,she had apparently got out of the garden and been hit by a car. To this day we dont know if they existed or not,knowing my brother and knowing his life since I believe not.
I think they were his way of showing the parents he was 'Normal'.
Just after that he stole some money off the parents and they kicked him out. He stayed with my sis K,for a couple of weeks but they found out he was seeing a guy and they kicked him out.
He came to me and borrowed some money,told me he had a new job. And he dissapeared.
For a long time he was missing,then he 'turned up' living by my youngest sister. He had come out properly by this time and was openly living with a guy,I was glad he had finally found himself,but apparently not. His final act of defiance against the Male Parent was to bring his boyfriend to mams birthday party,that was ten years ago,the Male Parent refused to have anything to do with him.And while PG messed about and tried to show he was the life and soul of the party you could see in his face how he felt. The Male Parent died two years later,PG never came to the funeral,I guess it didn matter he could never gain his approval and now it was too late He dissapeared again. Just before christmas he turned up at Mams asking to stay for a couple of days,she turned him away.
The others dont know where he is for sure though my brother D and I do,and D is keeping a secret eye on him for me,as far as the rest of the family are concerned he is missing again,thats how he wants it and thats how it will stay.

I love that song,ever since it first was released it has been a favourite of mine. The lyrics mean different things at different times for me and I am sure for a lot more people.
My brother PG,the lost brother.
When I say he is lost and noone knows where he is etc,people presume that he became 'lost' as an adult,when he could finally leave home and do his own thing.
In actual fact PG was lost to us from the age of nine months.Even though he did live his years untill his teens with us. Confusing isn`t it?
I was eight and a half years old when we ' Lost' PG,it happened one fine summers day,I was sat on the wall watching down the street waiting for mam to come home from the doctors where she had taken PG,she had been gone far too long,and I had this cold feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had fed the little ones and tidied up and done all the jobs that had to be done. I kept going out and looking down the street,and eventually when the little ones were settled and the older brother had got home I sat and waited. And when I saw her walking slowly up the bottom street with an empty pushchair I convinced myself he was dead and I knew it was my fault.
The day before we had been playing,I had been keeping the young ones amused,it had been raining on and off all day and so I couldn`t take them out as I normally did,big brother P had this idea to make a slide for them,using the ironing board he propped it on the chair and we held them and slid them down it. They loved it and we spent ages playing with them. Then D wanted something and I left the room to get it,while I was out of the room PG had climbed on the board and fallen off. I checked him all over and apart from a little red mark behind his ear there was nothing. A biscuit and some hugs and he was soon off playing with the others again. Course I had been blasted when mam came back for not watching him,she also looked but could find no injuries.
Around about sixish he got whiny and he was put to bed,later he was still whining and crying and he now had a temperature. He cried all night,his temp stayed up and through all the next morning too. You didn`t need appointments with our doctor so mam got him ready and off she went. With the usual orders of what I had to do and that it was my fault she had got no sleep all night.
She got to the house and I didn`t dare ask,she told me to get out of the way,and she went inside. She went upstairs and I could hear her crying and I was just numb,A came to me and he said that PG had been taken to a hospital far away and mam had to get him some clothes and take them on there.
It turned out when I finally managed to learn what was going on that he had been taken to St James at Leeds,which to us was far away though it was only 20 miles or so. The next 24 hours were a flurry of activity as people came and went,The male parent was summoned from camp,strange people were coming and talking and A who was 17 was left in charge ( big mistake),for over a week Mother when she was at home ignored me and my questions,apart from the orders of what to do,I looked after the little ones and cleaned and just waited.
Eventually a nice gentleman that had been coming to the house sat me down and explained what had happened.
When PG had fallen he had banged a place behind his ear,instead of the bruising coming out there was just the red mark,but it had bruised internally ( he put it as inside) this had caused things to swell inside his head,apparently it was a one in a million chance of this happening,but happened it had and PG was a very sick child and was going to be in hospital for quite a while. He told me it wasn`t my fault and that if anything it was my mothers fault as she wasn`t watching him either. I realised that he didn`t know that mam hadn`t even been there,that she was as usual out and that I had been in charge of the young ones. I said nothing.
PG was in hospital for nearly a year,I never saw him from the day he went to the doctors when he had screamed when mam had taken him off me to put him in the pushchair,to the day he came home when he screamed every time I went near him.
Throughout that time I had sent him pictures and written letters,he had a special nurse her name was Carla,she wrote to me and thanked me for the things that I sent.She visited us a few times to let us know how he was doing,mam had stopped going on after the first month and only went on then intermittantly.
Carla was my introduction to Racism. I knew about prejudice I had seen that with the people down the street in the 'Big Yard' the ones we weren`t allowed to play with because they were dirty and no good. My best friend lived in there and I had to meet her in secret.
Carla was West Indian,she was a lovley,warm wonderful woman,big and cuddly. But,she was black and the male parent hated her,mam hated her, and they were not very nice to her at all when she came to the house. She was never offered a drink,never invited to sit down,they didn`t hold conversations with her,they talked at her not to her. And when she cuddled me before she left I was immediatly ordered to wash and change when she was gone.Carla was my only contact with PG,she was in effect his 'Mother' for the time he was in hospital.
The big day came when PG came home,gone was the happy bubbly baby that he was and here was a sullen,uncommunicative toddler,I knew it was hard for him,he didn`t know us and now we no longer knew him.
This post is already too long,more later.

I come from a large family,I may have mentioned it once or twice
Five brothers and two sisters,and of course me made us a family of eight children and two adults.We lived from there being four of us in a terraced house that had two bedrooms and a double attic that was made into two rooms.
We consisted of
Brother A....The eldest,older than me by eight years and regarded as shiftless and worthless by the male parent,mainly because he got booted out of the Army,eventually went to Scotland to work on the rigs,now has his own business,married one son and one stepson.

Brother P....Second in line,regarded as the blue eyed boy,joined the Army at 16 served 15 years untill wifey insisted he quit or she wouldn`t marry him.Now a leading fireman in Newcastle-under-Lyme,married,one son one step son one step daughter.

Me......The crazy one!!

Brother T......After trying quite a few jobs out decided to join the army,upset male parent by joining RCT instead of beloved R.E.M.E,served five years in Ireland all told at the height of the troubles in the seventies.Left army and has done nothing much since,widowed one son.

Sister K......Had an affair with the husband of the woman she babysat for,they tried running away together,they were caught,she was 15 he was thirty. As she was almost 16 an arrangement was made and she ended up going to live with him as soon as she reached the magic age.They are still together despite numerous affairs on both sides,however she does now believe herself to be better than the rest of the family due to an inheritence her husband gained,married ( eventually) one girl two boys.

Brother D.......My favourite,the things this boy has done. Began his career as a criminal at the age of 11,his favourite was TWC,he just loved those cars.Graduated as all criminals do,spent most of his teens and early twenties in jail. Nearly losing his daughter to meningitas seemed to wake him up. He now has his own business,still a jack-the-lad but legally ( just) never married but lived with the mother of his four children and one step child till two years ago.Now with someone else but happy.

Brother PG......This is my lost brother,trained as a chef when he was in his teens,I shall write about this brother seperatly eventually.Never married,children,unsure. whereabouts at this time unknown.

Sister B....... The baby of the family,untouched by anything as was protected by all,met husband when she was nearly seventeen,married him at 18,still happily together. Husband was a soldier when they met and married,left the Army and now has own business. Two daughters.

Thats my family in brief,we are not a close family by any means. Probably due to the fact that we were raised with an iron fist ( It was a leather belt in actual fact with studs in) and very strict and uncompromising attitudes. The male parent was a tyrant ( and other things) who regurlarly beat his wife and kids. Luckily for us he was a career soldier and was home only at weekends and holidays,there were many weekends he didn`t come home,of which we were grateful. He left the army after twentytwo years of service and life was practically intolerable from that day on. Mostly it was about surviving and getting out as soon as you could,easy for the boys but not so easy for a girl who was shy,retiring and wouldn`t say boo to a goose.
I have come a long way since then.

I had a pretty rough day yesterday,as well as the computer playing all sorts of silly games with me and that ended up with the loss of a post I had done and the comments that went with it,it also ended up with the loss of a whole days researching,it had taken me hours to find and download the relevant pieces I required and just as I went to back it up and then to download it onto my file disc the comp threw a wobbly and wiped the lot.
But it seems that wasn`t enough to be visited on me. I had waited all day for my Brother to bring the money he borrowed,ah I didnt mention that he came again on Sunday this time he stayed a bit longer but he still wanted money,I gave him my last fiver and he said he would come tuesday and pay it back. I know that I should have just written it off but I believed he would come. Unfortunately when he did it wasn`t quite what I expected. I had given up on him coming at all,in fact I had given up on everything nothing I did was right,and I decided to just shut everything down and curl up in a corner with a book. Then the buzzer went,some strange guy telling me that I needed to come downstairs as my brother had had an accident. I flew down the stairs not even locking the door and he is laid in the road,the ambulance is there,two of them actually,and they are trying to talk to him and all he keeps saying is my sister lives in there,I was imagining all kinds of things. Expecting to see blood and God knows what. It turns out he had fallen over,he walks with a stick now since last year. And he keeps having blackouts he fell a few weeks ago and broke two ribs. We finally managed to get him off the floor and into the back of the ambulance. It had to be obvious to the medics that he had been drinking,yet again,it was to me,but they were lovely with him,they kept asking him questions and he came out with all this unintelligabe whiney stuff. In the end they decided to take him home as his son was at home and no apparent injuries could be found.They thanked me for coming to help them and once outside the ambulance the driver started asking me questions. They knew he had been drinking,he was a lovely man and apologised for bringing me downstairs to deal with it. I told him no apology was neccesary and yes I would have gone to the hospital with him had it been required.
When I got back into the apartment I realised that it was rush hour,I was dressed in my stay at home clothes,my hair was loose and I must have looked like something the cat dragged in!!
No wonder the guy who had buzzed me to come down was staring at me? I had thanked him as well by the way,he did eventually leave when we got in the back of the ambulance. Though he did keep asking if there was anything he could do,bless him.
The brother I knew is gone and in his place is this person that wants the attention and the sympathy and the drink to get him through his days,he is lost in a world none of us can enter tormented by his own demons that none of us can help vanquish.
The trouble is I already have a lost brother seems now I have two.

I am retiring from the world,at least untill tomorrow,maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Finally finished another essay this two a month thing is exhausting my word supply. Still thats it till May,just the practical stuff to do untill then,the reading and researching and Methodology etc.I knew from the beginning it wasn`t going to be easy fitting it in around work and all the other things that go on in a persons life,but I have always loved a challenge and this is turning out to be just that. I always seem to rise to challenges so hopefully that is going to see me through the next few months.
I do however seem to have put the rest of my life on hold for now,turning down dinner invites and nights out at the ballet,in favour of studying but it will be worth it in the end.
Even though I am told that I use my studying as an excuse to turn down these invites,while the real reason remains hidden.
I was hoping to go for a nice walk this evening after having spent the day studying,but as I have just been landed with the Destructor that isn`t going to happen.
Ah well never mind there is always tomorrow

I seem to be surrounded by it today. Firstly someone drew me a beautiful picture of a Mythical beast and sent me it,which I have now printed out and it is sat on my study desk overseeing the not quite done essay I am supposed to be writing at this moment in time. Then someone else has a picture of my Icon the Unicorn on their blog today,and a beautiful picture it is. I was searching for something in my documents and came across a host of Fairies that my Spiraly friend sent me.As I sit at the computer desk I am surrounded by Dragons six on my desk,five on my shelf to the left of me and another one on top of the book case.
Do I believe in these Mystical Magical beings,yes I do. And yes that maybe makes me crazy because people say they dont exist or didn`t exist,and I say just because you have never seen something does that mean it cannot exist?lets face it millions of people believe in a God that they never see,have never seen,yet they believe He exists.
When we are children we believe in Magic,in the magical properties of Santa and the Easter Bunny,in Fairies and Wizards,even in bad magic like the Boogeyman.
When I was a child I believed that my toys came alive when noone was around and at night while I slept,and they played and had tea and stuff,I even tried to stay awake and just pretend that I was asleep so I could watch them,but they always outlasted me and I never caught them,yet still sometimes they would be in a different position in the morning to what they were when I went to sleep.
We seem to lose that Magic when we 'Grow up' but when you consider that we are surrounded by forces we dont understand how can we then say that magic does not exist?
Besides believing in Magic often gives you the optimism needed to carry on when you feel like giving in,isn`t luck a kind of magic?
And with any luck the fairies and elfs will write my essay for me while I catch a few zzzzzzz`s
And if not well they will at least put in my head the starting sentence!

For a very long time my childhood memories have been just vague blurs and a random series of events. I remember the times with my Grandad because they were happy times even though they were so short. I remember Singapore because it was a happy time,a good time. I remember silly little things like playing splits with javelins with my older brother,beating him at knife throwing and rifle practice. I remember he didn`t like it because I could shoot the longbow with more accuracy than he could even though the damn thing was nearly as big as me!
I come from a large family,I have five brothers and two sisters.Yet we have never been a close family.
Ours was a male orientated family,in all things the boys came first,often to the complete exclusion of the girls. The younger boys even were put before the older girls.
A few weeks ago I mentioned my brother T,the alcoholic that tried to kill himself,and how he had walked past me on the crossing. I went to see him but there was noone home and I haven`t bothered since. Yesterday my daughter-in-law-to-be and I were sat discussing what to have for the evening meal,it was about ten to six,my son was finishing work at six,and the buzzer went. (I live in a secure building so anyone that doesn`t have a code has to buzz the apartment that they wish to visit) Not expecting visitors and thinking it was my son that had finished early and was messing about I answered the buzzer. It was my brother T. I buzzed him in and opened the door to the apartment,wondering why he had suddenly after all this time decided to visit me. I have lived here four years he has been once before just after I moved in. Thinking that a visit from him could only mean there was something wrong with mother I was expecting bad news,she had fallen again or something maybe worse. When he came in he was full of how are you and so on,so nothing wrong with Mother,that was ok. And I thought well maybe he has decided he was wrong to blank me and wants to get back to a reasonable level.
As it turned out he wanted money,he was skint could I lend him till tuesday.
I sat and looked at him,he looked old and tired and worn out,this is my younger brother and he looked twenty years older.I made him a coffee,we sat and chatted a little. Nothing changes all is the same,even his talk is all self and what his son is doing/has done. The son that doesn`t like me having contact because I know his secret. He only stayed half an hour or so,and despite being just about skint I gave him the money,how could I not? He says he will pay me back on Tuesday,but I wont hold my breath.
And all last night I thought about it,about him and the others that I hardly see and the ones that I never see. About the times that I used to phone just to say hi,and they were always busy,no time to chat. And it makes me sad,because they have denied their children and my children the chance to get to know each other. I dont mind being the Black sheep,the last one on the list. I have friends that know more about me than my family does.
I dont mind because I built my own life and despite the trials and tribulations I wouldn`t swap it with theirs at any price.

The Destructor!
I have mentioned him in several posts and have said that I would explain about him or rather tell about him.
Where do I start? I met the Destructor,formerly known as Kian last year when the relationship between my son and Kians mother started to become a little more serious. Our first few meetings were a little tense,he was always accompanied by his mother and spoilt wasn`t in it.At least thats what I believed at the time. This child would not ask for what he wanted he demanded,he could hardly talk in anything but an unintelligable series of noises,and he cried and screamed constantly if not given what he wanted.
Now I am not one of those people that think children should be seen and not heard,I love nothing more than hearing little ones laughing and playing.However the constant crying and tantrumming was beginning to get to me. At this point my son was spending only short bursts of time at his girlfriends,then he started staying there most of the time,slowly there was a difference in Kian,when they brought him down if he wanted something and his mother said no he threw a tantrum,if however Mike said no he went away and watched TV! Then came the inevitable first time of being asked to watch him for them,it was an afternoon and they needed to go shopping,the weather was lousy and I said yes. It was time for me to get to know him properly,after all it was no secret how my son felt about his mother and that meant this was a long term thing.
As with all children my first time alone with him was spent letting him know that I couldn`t be pushed like his mam,we had tantrums,I sat and let him carry on,he kept lifting his head and looking to see if I was going to give in. Eventually he stopped,and gave me that cheeky smile,I then gave him a biscuit not the cake he had been asking for ( It was nearly teatime) and he sat and watched Bagpuss and giggled away,at some point coming and sitting with me on the sofa. When they came back from shopping he was fast asleep cuddled up to me on the sofa.
I babysat a few more times just a couple of hours each time,and Kian slowly got to know that while he couldn`t get his own way he did get to have a lot of fun,and he was learning slowly to talk,I had him repeating things after me,he would point and I would say the name and he would repeat it.
He was shipped off every weekend to his babysitter,Both my son and Caz worked in a sports bar/nightclub and weekends were the late shifts for both of them. He always came back moody and once again demanding.
They had both started stopping at mine when Kian was away and gradually even when he came back,one friday I had said to them why dont you leave Kian with me instead of trying to find a sitter ( I know I am a glutton for punishment) their normal babysitter had gone away for the weekend. Kaz just sort of stood and looked at me,Mike said he hadn`t wanted to put on me,yeah right it had never bothered him before when I had Lucas ( mikes son). So our first proper time together, now I had no problems at all getting him ready for bed,or getting him to go. I couldn`t understand what all the fuss about this child was. Hahaha I was about to learn.
From that day Caz and Kian became a permanent fixture and thats when the fun began!
At first I didn`t know what he got up to because I was away to work at seven in the morning while all were still abed,by the time I got home at nearly seven at night all was normalish,sometrimes he was there sometimes he was at the babysitters. Then he started going to the babysitters less and it became more mam will you watch him,I didn`t have any problems with him and while they asked it was fine. Then I started noticing things. One night I came home and there were stickers all over my computer desk,Kian had done it,I was not amused. That was my space at that time the only space I had that was mine.A day off and I had given Kian his breakfast and then gone out,informing them that I was doing so. I got back and noticed the milk and breakfast cereal on the table. I asked Caz if she had given Kian more breakfast,no she knew he had already had some. It transpired that Kian had pulled a chair from the table to the unit,climbed on that and then the unit and helped himself,not spilling a drop of cereal or milk he had got himself some more breakfast! I had never met a child like this,in the weeks that followed I was to find out the full extent of how this child could work out in minutes the solution to getting mostly anything he wanted.The problem,he destroyed things. He would take things he didn`t really like or want but he would take them. A full carton of yoghurts one morning,he had opened every single one and taken a spoonful from each,though he didn`t even like them.A full cake from the cupboard of which he had taken bits from all of it then broke it up all over the floor. He would go through my bag and just take whatever he wanted. I ended up having to take it with me or put it where he couldn`t get it,and believe me there were few places he couldn`t get to!We gated the bedroom to prevent him from being able to get out and create havoc,this was after he had decided he wanted to play on the computer and I had caught him,he had turned it on,including monitor,and was stood merrily tapping on the keys. It took him five minutes to work out how to open the gate!
I had worked out from talking to Caz that when she had been with her previous boyfriend and she was working and he was minding Kian that the child had been left to his own devices for the greater part of the time.
He was a nightmare to take into town,constantly touching,refusing to hold hands,running off.So reigns were purchased and for a while it kept him under control,untill of course he worked out how to take them off! We reverted to a wrist strap,that works up to a point.
After christmas Caz and Mike moved into hers,and believe me they are having fun.Kian can move as quiet as a mouse,he has even done it with me and I am the lightest sleeper there is. In the past weeks he has trashed the living room three times,he has poured milk all over the kitchen floor. He decided last week to make a coffee,there was coffee milk sugar and tea! all over the kitchen,living room and bedroom ( he had taken Mike a cup of his concoction) as it happened Mike unplugged the kettle every night and thank goodness he does.
Mike was devastated,he had gone to great lengths to make sure that Kian could not open the gate to the bedroom,and he hadn`t. Not being able to find a way to open the gate he had dragged his bed to the gate,and then climbed over it!
They are now trying something new,we sat and discussed it,they have purchased hooks for all the doors,now he cant enter any room but his bedroom,the bathroom and their bedroom. They have bought him an immense amount of educational toys meant for children at least three years older,to amuse him. So far apart from a talcum powder incident the other day it is working. He has a very low attention span unfortunately so teaching him is often very hard.Yesterday we sat with an ABC book,and he is learning quite fast really,till he gets bored,so we can only do it short bursts.
Kian is three,he was three in january. We have managed to get him into school in september and I for one am looking forward to it. Though I feel sorry for the teachers!!
This is Kian.

Having been criticised for the content,grammer and punctuation of my previous blogs I feel I have to say to that person/s,it wasn`t my fault!! You see my speech writer is indisposed and my proof reader is unavailable. Tis a veritable calamity that all you are able to read is what comes out of this mind of mine ( I have a mind?? Whooohoo I thought I lost that ages ago ) As it happens there are many people out there whose blogs like mine are purely written because they ENJOY it. Because they LIKE the interaction of other bloggers yes even sad sacks like you that have nothing better to do than criticise other peoples ramblings and/or daily excursions through life.
Now that said I shall proceed to write about errrrr,nothing really. Damn,having spent most of the day ( apart from breaks on here of course) with my head in the books trying to catch up on work,I feel like a dog chasing its tail,always see the end but cant quite get there. It is snowing and I have been stuck inside ALL day,it is driving me nuts,I am going stir crazy!! I am drinking coffee by the gallon ( so much for the new health regime) mainly because I didn`t go to bed last night due to having my head stuck in the books ( and thats what you get for chatting till after two in the morning ) just jessin P But I am almost caught up and then it will all be fine,in theory anyway.
I do need to get out though but also need to stay in,confusing isn`t it?

They have been with me all night,thinking about all sorts I guess thats what happens when you cant sleep. I am still thinking a lot about my Grandad but also about his dog Rex.
Rex was a very special dog and I know all dog owners think that their dogs are special in some way,and most animals are they all have their own little quirks.
Let me tell you about Rex.
Amongst Grandads friends were several policemen,one of whom was a dog handler.As grandad saw this gentleman on a regular basis he got to know the dog quite well,the dogs name was Rex.He was the second dog to be handled by this person and so was quite young.In his few years as a police dog Rex had already won two bravery awards for courage beyond the call of duty.I dont know exactly what they were for as Grandad never told me.
Grandads friend was due to retire and that meant that Rex would be found a new handler.About a year after he learned that his friend was retiring Grandad learnt that Rex had been relocated but not with a new handler,they had decided that it would be easier to bring in a handler with dog and so Rex was retired and 'given' to a new home.Grandad wanted to find out if he was ok and so got in touch with his old friend who in turn got in touch with the people who had relocated him.The reason that he hadn`t stayed with his old handler when he retired was because he was only young and had still a lot of work years left in him,and apparently they had moved to a smaller place on the coast and couldn`t take him.
They finally located Rex who by this time had apparently been given to someone else.
When they found him he was locked in a coal bunker,down some steps,the man refused to let Grandad see him and so he went straight to the police station that Rex used to work at and told them he believed that Rex was being cruelly treated.They brought in the RSPCA and together Grandad,a policeman friend of his and A RSPCA officer went to this house. While the policeman and the officer talked to the man Grandad went down the steps to the coal bunker and talked to Rex from behind the door ( The man was refusing to unlock it) he said that Rex just kept whimpering,something he had never heard him do. Finally the man gave the policeman the key to the bunker and Grandad opened it. He told me that when he saw Rex he just cried,at first he wouldn`t come out and when finally coaxed by Grandad he crawled out on his belly. His fur was matted with blood and dirt,there were cuts across his back where the man had beaten him,open and weeping,as well as what were obviousley fresh cuts.Grandad said he had never wanted to harm another human till that day but he wanted to take that man and do to him what he had done to Rex.Rex`s eyes were filled with gunk where he had a cut and it had been left to fester. The RSPCA officer said he may have to be put down as the treatment could have turned him. Grandad said he`s going home with me,there was a bit of an argument but Grandad was resolute Rex was going home with him,in the end they relented and said as the dog knew Grandad and wouldn`t respond to anyone else then he could go but he would have to be treated first.Grandad told them they could send the vet to his house that Rex was going nowhere but home with him.
And so Rex came home to Grandads,it took weeks of treatment to heal the wounds on his back,and one never properly healed,though it was never open it gave him a lot of pain through the years.
Rex was a beautiful dog and I loved him to bits and he loved me too even though it could be months between seeing each other,to me he was huge,he was quite a big dog but to me he was enormous but still I could roll all over the floor with him.
One day Grandad was walking Rex along the canal as he did everyday when they heard a shout and a splash a child had fallen in to the water and was going under,Rex never even hesitated he dived in and pulled the child to the bank where Grandad and another man pulled him out of the water,he was to do this another three times before he died and won himself even more bravery awards.Not just the canal either he even pulled a fisherman from the river when he had got into trouble. He once bit me,not a massive bite just a little nip really,he was asleep under the table and I was writing as usual,I dropped my pencil and went under the table to get it,I accidently touched his back where the bad wound had been the one that still hurt him,and he snapped. Somehow he knew it was me and though he could have made a real mess of me all I got was a little nip. He was very upset when he knew he had hurt me and spent the rest of the day with his head on my lap whenever I sat down. I was sorry I had hurt him and so sat with my arms wound round his neck for ages after. I was never scared of him even after that.
Rex lived to be nearly fourteen years old,he died about eighteen months before Grandad did,having spent the better half of his life being loved as he should have been.
Rex not a brilliant pic but the only one I have ( thats me stood at the side of him)

It snowed like mad on Sunday,it had been snowing all saturday night and continued through the whole of sunday.I had an essay to write,and for the life in me I couldn`t get it started. I had been trying for two days. So I decided to go for a walk. I had already built a snowman,in the middle of the street early in the morning,by the end of the day he had been run over several times poor thing!
So off into the blizzard I ventured. By the time I had reached the woods through fields two foot deep in snow ( there was the easy option of the path but not half as much fun ) I looked like a Yeti. No hood on so I was literally covered from head to foot in snow.
The woods are beautiful at any time of year and covered in virgin snow all white and shiny they were as beautiful as ever. Some parts where the trees afforded a canopy there was very little snow and a few spots had none at all. The little valley however was covered. Snow is beautiful when freshly layed but,it is also treachorous,hiding things that you would normally see and step over,I cant tell you the amount of times that I went tripping over some hidden branch or rock. Ouch!!It also changes the look of things,I know the woods like the back of my hand,but if you dont or you dont visit often things change,through nature and animals. I knew where the danger spots were and was able to avoid them,but I couldn`t help thinking that those less familiar with the woods could find themselves in trouble were they actually mad enough to do as I was doing.
I looked for tracks to let me know where the Squirrels were hiding out of the worst of the weather,for some reason they no longer hibernate in the winter,and I had brought them some goodies.Of course it was still snowing quite heavily so I wasn`t going to find them out in the thick of it.So I crossed the path into the thickest part that is normally too overgrown to venture far into in the summer. I sat on a fallen tree and got out the pieces of apple that I had brought and waited. I could hear them in the branches but it took ten minutes before one was brave enough to come down onto the floor,I put down some pieces of apple a distance away from me so as not to scare them too much and sat back on the tree. It grabbed a piece of apple and scurried off,soon returning with a friend for the rest.After letting them have some more and a few pieces of biscuit I returned back to the path to see if I could find some place farther up to place the bread and bits of biscuit I had brought for the birds.
I had forgotten for the moment how greedy Squirrels can be and they followed me,running down on to the path in front of me and off again the minute they came in contact with the snow,it was quite funny watching their reactions to the cold white stuff.they must have decided it was fun too because they then shook the branches and covered me in snow,I swear I heard them laughing!! I threw them some more apple though they didn`t deserve it,little sods.
I left the bread for the birds where it was relatively clear and set off back into the woods for another meander.
I had been thinking about my essay of course and knew I had to get it started,it is just the beginning I have problems with,the rest just seems to flow once I get the start. Then I thought about what someone had said to me about having faith in myself or at the very least a bit of the faith that others have in me.And I got it,the start,just there I knew exactly how to start it.
So back home freezing cold and wet through,three hours of wandering in the snow but I enjoyed every minute of it.
I finally got the essay finished and the myriad of Method questions and it has gone and now I am onto the next lot. Oh what joy.
And now time to catch up on blogland

Well here I am Saturday night/Sunday morning,tired but not,sleep a million miles away.I have banished the books to the corner where they sit muttering and mumbling amongst themselves,trying to concentrate on them at the moment is like trying to take a crash course in Quantum physics!Hush be quiet books I am trying to write,noisy things.
Anyway the muttering books are sulking of course,and the singing bed has lost its voice,for now anyway.
My mind is just drifting along thinking of nothing,yet everything,getting nowhere yet solving at the same time.Though what it is solving I have yet to work out.It has been that kind of week I think up and down good and bad,normal really I guess. Reading blogs where people are facing and have faced challenges that a lot of people would crumble beneath,people a lot stronger and a lot braver than I.
I am still very much a coward when it comes to certain things in life.
But we all have something I guess.
And I even wrote a poem,not brilliant,but at least I am writing again,even though I was supposed to be writing an essay not a poem.
If Only
A restless and wandering Child
A spirit that needs to be free
Like a Wolf that roams in the wild,
And yet still there`s a part of me,
That yearns for strong arms to hold me,
A shoulder where I would rest my head.
A look,that with love would enfold me
A sweet kiss that speaks words yet unsaid.
If only love could come without chains
Without the clipping and binding of wings.
If only love could be free and unrestrained
And yet still be all those other things.

I could do with it,I started the day in a bright and breezy mood despite the thudding headache that I had carried through from yesterday.I decided just short bursts on the computer and not too much bookwork(despite the essay due in next week) would see the headache diminish.
A walk in the fresh air and maybe a trip to the supermarket to buy that stuff called food that everyone keeps telling me I have to have.
This is where a few of the old sayings that I have learnt over the years ( that most people know) should have been heeded,ones like 'Dont run before you can walk' and 'Practice what you preach' but I have been doing so well,and after yesterday I really convinced myself that I was getting there. Taking daily trips out,amongst people,alright normally when it isn`t too busy but I was doing it and yesterday nothing no panic feelings,no sweats everything was fine.
Only today is Friday,I was unconcerned this was going to be a big test,and I was going to pass. Only I didn`t pass I failed miserably
One of the things I always advise,take it one step at a time,one day at a time.Dont be in too much of a hurry to prove you can do it because there are good days and bad days.Well I ignored my own advice and today was a very bad day
It took me three hours of perusing blogs and cleaning and stuff to calm me down. A little chat with Hobbit about flowers and unromantic guys helped,thanks Lisa. I sorted my wardrobe,and found all manner of things to do,eventually taking a walk down by the river where it was p