For a very long time my childhood memories have been just vague blurs and a random series of events. I remember the times with my Grandad because they were happy times even though they were so short. I remember Singapore because it was a happy time,a good time. I remember silly little things like playing splits with javelins with my older brother,beating him at knife throwing and rifle practice. I remember he didn`t like it because I could shoot the longbow with more accuracy than he could even though the damn thing was nearly as big as me!
I come from a large family,I have five brothers and two sisters.Yet we have never been a close family.
Ours was a male orientated family,in all things the boys came first,often to the complete exclusion of the girls. The younger boys even were put before the older girls.
A few weeks ago I mentioned my brother T,the alcoholic that tried to kill himself,and how he had walked past me on the crossing. I went to see him but there was noone home and I haven`t bothered since. Yesterday my daughter-in-law-to-be and I were sat discussing what to have for the evening meal,it was about ten to six,my son was finishing work at six,and the buzzer went. (I live in a secure building so anyone that doesn`t have a code has to buzz the apartment that they wish to visit) Not expecting visitors and thinking it was my son that had finished early and was messing about I answered the buzzer. It was my brother T. I buzzed him in and opened the door to the apartment,wondering why he had suddenly after all this time decided to visit me. I have lived here four years he has been once before just after I moved in. Thinking that a visit from him could only mean there was something wrong with mother I was expecting bad news,she had fallen again or something maybe worse. When he came in he was full of how are you and so on,so nothing wrong with Mother,that was ok. And I thought well maybe he has decided he was wrong to blank me and wants to get back to a reasonable level.
As it turned out he wanted money,he was skint could I lend him till tuesday.
I sat and looked at him,he looked old and tired and worn out,this is my younger brother and he looked twenty years older.I made him a coffee,we sat and chatted a little. Nothing changes all is the same,even his talk is all self and what his son is doing/has done. The son that doesn`t like me having contact because I know his secret. He only stayed half an hour or so,and despite being just about skint I gave him the money,how could I not? He says he will pay me back on Tuesday,but I wont hold my breath.
And all last night I thought about it,about him and the others that I hardly see and the ones that I never see. About the times that I used to phone just to say hi,and they were always busy,no time to chat. And it makes me sad,because they have denied their children and my children the chance to get to know each other. I dont mind being the Black sheep,the last one on the list. I have friends that know more about me than my family does.
I dont mind because I built my own life and despite the trials and tribulations I wouldn`t swap it with theirs at any price.