Sometimes when I look back over time and think of all the things that have happened there is a hole,like a vacum I suppose,and I cannot see beyond that hole. Beyond it is my childhood and to be honest it doesn`t matter that most of it is a blank,that it is lost down that hole swimming in the netherworld of repressed memory. I often look on my life as beginning when my childrens lives began.When my very first child came screaming into this world to waken me from the stupor that I classed as my life untill the minute she arrived. I remember more now of that past than I did,and being able to write things down is in part the reason for that,you start to write things and out of nowhere comes a memory and sometimes it is good but most times you realise why you didn`t want to remember it in the first place. My children were the essence of my life and all other things were put on hold for them. They have given me great joys and the deepest of griefs. There is nothing more heart wrenching than losing someone you love,than them being taken from you and you knowing you will never see them again in this lifetime. Those that have read my ramblings know of my children,the ones that I write of,my three wonders of nature. But what only a very few know is that there were another three. Three daughters,and though one of them it may be said was too ill to live for long ( she was four months old when she died) the other two graced my life for much longer,One was 11 years old when she died and the other was 4 years old when she died. I lost them both on the same day and while I am not yet ready to tell the full story suffice it to say that this was the worst time of my life,nothing that happened to me in my childhood bad as it was,and nothing that has/could happened to me since could compare to this day when they were taken from me. Many times I have written a piece about them only to wipe it and write something totally different,something totally rambling and inane. But today I recieved a very touching and lovely communication from a friend,she too has suffered the loss of a child and yet she is not afraid to say so,not afraid to show her grief when it overcomes her. She has strength far beyond that which I have. And two other very dear friends that know about it and know also of my reasons for not talking of it,they tell me that on here my reasons are invalid,because on here I cannot see that look in peoples eyes when they hear for the first time. I cannot see the struggle as they think of topics to talk about that will not touch on any subject that might make me ' upset' and if they turn away as many do it will not matter for perhaps I wont even know they have gone. I want to thank those friends they know who they are. For thier support through my bad month and for thier words when they heard my story. When people say to me how strong I am,how I have come through tough times and yet still remain enamoured of life I often wonder am I? I dont have the strength to talk of the worst time in my life. But Strength is gathered from those around us and from what we read and those that support us. So yes I am strong but my friends make me that way.So today I tell a little bit. Maybe one day I will tell it all.