Sometimes we look back on things and we see so much we dont want to see, In writing it down and sharing the thoughts with pen and paper,or keypad and monitor as it is with the world today,it enables you to look anew at things that happened. To analyse them in a more critical fashion perhaps. Can I in all honesty hold myself blameless for my life,well of course not,I have however never tried to lay all the blame on other people. This is because there is no blame,life is just sometimes that way, I made the choices,the decisions,in my Adult life and yes they were wrong,and it is true that these choices were coloured by my past and what happened,but they were still My choices. I chose to keep love at a distance because those that love get hurt,and I had never been shown it without pain. I chose to marry for reasons other than love and all that comes with it and so it was in essence my fault that my marriages failed. Though in truth I worked hard to make them succeed,it needs a certain amount of love to enable a marriage to work,I discovered that eventually.
In all honesty I dont know if I have ever been in love,even with D,I dont know even now if that wasn`t the reaching out of a woman who had been through hell for something,anything,to take away the darkness that seemed to surround her.Desperation perhaps born of the criticisms of others, a kind of sticking the fingers up,metaphorically, look I have this handsome guy I cant be that bad! I did have a lot of feeling for him,he could never have done what he did if I hadn`t . But Love? That deep earth shattering feeling that I am told it is,that knowing you want to be with someone for the rest of your life,no I have never had that.
What I do have,is the peaceful love of friends,and the love of my children. I have given up thinking that someone will come along and sweep me off my feet,the white charger has been put out to pasture and the knights armour hangs on a wall gathering dust. Dont get me wrong,I am quite happy as I am,content now to go with the flow and if someone comes along that I will be comfortable spending some time with,then so be it. And one day who knows maybe I will be happy to share my life,maybe not,only time will tell.
