Just Me!! The Butterfly effect

Taking a break,I have taken a couple throughout the day,but not long enough to do anything really constructive like blog
Somehow my weekend off has become just a night off,as my son has gone out for the night. He says that he told me/asked me,but he didn`t,I had told him I was pleased I was not babysitting this weekend because of having such a heavy study schedule and he had agreed that I could spend the two days on that. So no way did he ask me to have him.
So we had words and I told him that he didn`t seem to be taking seriously what I was doing,as it didn`t seem to bother him that I couldn`t concentrate when I had the child,and that was one of the reasons I was behind with my studies. It ended up with me saying that if they didn`t start picking him up at a more reasonable time,like before twelve as opposed to three and four in the afternoon,I would stop having him despite needing the money. He was in a mood when he left,and she said oh great looks like I`m in for a good night,so I said to be honest I dont really care you are both taking advantage so you are both to blame. So she isn`t happy with me either Ah well,these things need saying sometimes.

Its been a lovely day and on one of my breaks I went for a wander in town,it was fairly quiet,everyone must have done their shopping this morning and gone off or having BBQ`s this aft. And I dont blame them.
Its still quite hot this evening,I thought it might have cooled down. Times like this when I wish I had a garden.

I came into this world,quietly,slipping in three months too early,eyes apparently open wide already observing. Not making a sound untill some rather cruel,I am sure I thought that,person decided to make sure I had a voice. For a very long time thereafter that would be the only time my voice would be heard. Upon catching sight of the 'scrawny bag of bones' ( You are aware of course that this is merely what my Mother told me was said) it was declared that I would last no more than a few hours and I was dumped to one side,in a cot,while they saw to the person that was important. It seems that I have never,right from being born,been the type that does what is expected of them.

My early arrivel was due to Mother deciding that as it was such a lovely drying day she would hang the sheets out in the garden.The Male Parent had put up the washing lines,and in doing so must have forgotten that Mother was only five foot  one,and she consequently could not reach.Being the stubborn type and not wishing to wait untill someone came or even asking someone to lower the lines, she decided she would stand on a kitchen stool of not very stable quality. As she is placing peg in sheet leaning at what was described to me as an alarming angle,The Male Parent appears beyond the garden wall,coming home early as he had forgotten something,it was apparently about ten thirty am. She saw him and waved. Of course the inevitable happened as she was holding pegs in one hand,leaning out,removed the hand that was balancing her to wave and down she went.

We lived at that time in an Army town,they did not have the facilities of a normal town and babies were supposed to arrive when they were supposed to arrive,none of this coming early/late. All was planned in a strictly military fashion. The army hospital could not accomadate her,so off to Southampton she was whisked where,unfortunately, they were in the middle of some kind of epedemic/crisis type thing and the hospital was full to overflowing and patients were on corridors ( things have not changed much have they? ) finally amid flurrys of activity,Male Parent declaring that his wife was not giving birth on a corridor and them deciding she was not going to spontaneously stop her labour,they found a room,and within no more than an hour,there I was.

After hours of being examined by a stream of doctors and nurses,bemused by the scrawny bag of bones that stubbornly refused to give up on the world she had just been ejected into,it was declared that some how I had all the internal organs I should have and they were all in the right places,and I was breathing quite well on my own,but at 3lbs I was far too small to survive and would succumb to some kind of childhood illness within my first few weeks/months. They were almost right.

At six months old I contracted pneumonia,of course being the kind of person I was destined to be,I could not get just pneumonia,I had to have double pneumonia,which has always bemused me,how can you have it double what it is?  Just another example of the fact that I never do things by halves!

I guess right from the first minute I had this love of life. No matter what it throws at me,no matter what it puts me through I just dont seem able to let go. Maybe I am stubborn,maybe I have this belief in me that somehow,sometime,there is going to be something not just good but wonderful waiting for me. Though it is taking its sweet merry time to arrive.

I walked for hours last night,I should have been studying,and then sleeping,but instead I was walking. For weeks now I have been going through a 'why am I doing this?' kind of phase. So last night I went back to the beginning to search for the reason. I didn`t realise just how far back this went untill last night.

There are going to be times when I feel like giving up,I know that,times when I am tired,times when I have had enough of putting my life on hold in favour of books and study. But in the end,when I look back,I see why I am doing this,and with the support of my friends,which has been terrific and thankyou. I know I can do this,or at least give it my best shot.