Just Me!! The Butterfly effect

And here I am back again, I have slept the sleep of the um, well tired I guess, though I dont think drug induced sleep is that refreshing at least I got some

I wandered out in to the cold wet night, though I was nice and warm and cosy in my nice warm winter coat. Though I was actually too warm, it really is not that cold yet, in fact it has probably been one of the mildest Novembers I can remember. Of course it is the 1st of December tomorrow and then it is all downhill to the new year, so can anyone tell me, what happened to this one?

It seems to have gone by so fast, must be the studying that is responsible for that, amongst other things.December the last month of this year, and of course that most expensive of all days Christmas, there is a debate going on about if I should have a tree or not, I wouldn't mind but I am not even the one debating

And tomorrow is also Friday, the end of the week, the forerunner to the weekend, though I will be working most of it to make up for today, never mind, I will soon be caught up and everything will be fine.

Here I am with a much needed day of rest, and what am I doing, well nothing actually, apart from sitting here and typing nonsensical stuff, isn't that what days off are for?

My son has just bought the most beautiful dog, she is a Huskie and is called Ellie, and is absolutely beautiful, thirteen months old. Her owner no longer could look after her as she should be looked after, and to be honest she has been well looked after up to now.

Of course it got me to thinking about my life with German Sheperds, we used to take mistreated ones and retrain them, then find them good homes.

We took one that had been locked up 23 hours a day in a beneath stairs cupboard, his name was Major and when we took him he didn't know what daylight was, he had never seen it, he went out at night, for one hour and was then put back in the cupoboard.

The first time I tried to take him out through the day he panicked and shot back in the house,I had spent weeks getting him used to the daylight just by having him in the room with the light coming through the windows. We had to have his eyes tested to make sure that they hadn't been totally damaged by his dark life, and though they were at first weak outside in the light, they did become stronger.

Everything was strange and new to him, cars, people, he had no idea about roads, and sadly, he didn't know how to play. He had never chased a ball, or a stick, never played pull with a rope, but he was damn good at hide and seek in the dark! By the time he was ready to go to his new family he was like a pup again, his tail wagged all the time and he would bring the ball and stand with his head to one side waiting for you to throw it.

When we chose a family, it was usually the dogs choice, we would spend a few weeks taking them every day, so they got used to them and the family got used to the dog, allowing them to take the dog out teaching them the dogs instructions so the dog didn't get confused. And there would come a time when the dog would be reluctant to leave and thats when you knew they were ready to go to their new home.

I kept the last dog we rescued, Khan, he was my baby, a beautiful black,tan and sable. He was huge, and I loved him to bits. Sadly Khan died of a heart attack but I like to think I made his last years better for him than they would have been.

Good morning fair people of Blogland, tis that dreaded wed-nes-day, the middle of the working week, the nowhere day, I like this day, but many see it as a hurdle to be gotten over to start the descent to the weekend. I suppose it depends upon whether the glass is half full or half empty as to how you view this day.

It has been a rough week so far with some family problems rearing their heads, but hopefully calm has once again descended upon the Dark Angel clan and the rest of the week will be fine.

Secret Santa is doing well, still plenty of time for others to join, so come on put your name down and have a bit of fun. Want to know what I am talking about see the post further down Titled Secret Santa.

Got to go now, work beckons, but onlyfor a couple of hours today, am going to see the doctor man later.

Have a good day, keep smiling.

I am
The quiet before dawn
The golden summer morn
The sweetest scented rose
I am the gentle breeze that blows

I am
The rainbows in the sky
The softest lovers sigh
the sweetness in your smile
I am your heartbeat, for a while

I am
The thoughts that fill your head
The words you left unsaid
the dreams that fill your sleep
I am, the secret that you keep.

I often write about how lucky I am, dont worry I am not going to go off in to long protracted rambles about my wonderful friends etc. Though they are.

I usually find/see/hear something everyday that makes me thankful of what I have, makes me miss less that what I can not have, but never quenches the determination to better myself if I can.

Today was one of those days that made me think about it a little more, made me a little more thankful for those that I have beside me ( even if some of them are in Walesand Ireland) made me feel a little less lonely, and maybe a little more humble, in fact a lot more humble, about life and its random choices.

Sometimes no matter how determined you are that nothing will spoil your day, that it will be good, that you will carry that cheery feeling with you untill the moment you close your eyes again, or for some of us, the moment we lay down, it doesn't work that way, something/one gets under your skin and no matter how you try to remove it, it sticks there like a tenacious terrier with its bone.

It doesn't have to be something that gets you annoyed, or mad, or flustered, just something that makes you feel extremely sad, and extremely lucky.

The week can only improve.

The wind is howling, the rain is pouring, but, it is a wonderful day, I am going to keep thinking that to myself all day,then it may just turn out that way

Some happenings here in Blogland today firstly it is MORELEARNNG'S birthday, a very happy birthday to you, my friend

To wish him happy birthday go to http://morelearning.blog.co.uk

Second JOHN arrives today in Ireland, and though I cannot be personally there, Welcome John, maybe you can get Paul to slow down a bit, there again, which brings us to the third thing, PAUL's big opening night tonight, break a leg Paul, not that you need any luck, from the little I have seen and heard your shows are brilliant.

If you want to wish him luck then go to http://paulboyd.blog.co.uk

And for anyone else that is having a special day, enjoy, have fun.

Happy Monday folks

I have spent the afternoon with the poly boy, no it wasn't so I could watch my team play on his widescreen tv It was actually because he phoned me and asked me to go up, I mentioned that my team were playing and shouldn't he be resting, I would keep the boys a little longer, but he wanted to see me, and mentioned that I could watch the game at his. You wouldn't think he was in his twenties

Anyway, he is a lot better than he was early this morning, except he can only drink juice and water and eat toast and biotic yoghurt, that hasn't gone down too well but, he is actually doing as he is told, which means it must really have scared him.

My team won Yayyyyy, twice in 4 days, go boys!!

So where was I, oh yes, thinking about what to have to eat?

Good morning folks, I apologise for my tardiness in answering comments on Secret Santa, I will do that in a short while, keep them coming the more we have the more fun we have

The reason for my lateness today, my Son was rushed into hospital from work at stupid o'clock this morning with severe abdominal pains, he is home now, but it was a scarey few hours

As a result I am very tired and have a severe headache, but a couple of paracetomol, and a few hours relaxing will sort that.

Secret Santa is going well, remeber it is not just for people on the friends list this is open to everyone in Blogland should they wish to join in

Secret santa

I have had an idea, behave its not that bad!

I am sure you have all heard and probably participated in the Secret Santa that usually does the rounds of work places at this time of the year.
Basically names go in a hat and you pick one out and you buy that person a present.

I dont propose we all buy each other presents, that could turn out to be costly what with different countries, cities etc.

What I propose is this, we put our names in a kind of hat, namely my mail box, I will then number the names so noone knows who is who, and you choose a number. You then have to write a Christmas blog for and about the person you have chosen. Only the person that has chosen that number will know who it is.

The blogs are to be written Christmas week.

Anyone wanting to participate just let me know, either by commenting, or PM'ing or mailing me.

What do you think folks, lets make Christmas fun!!!!

By the way this is for everone not just people on the friends list, so if you have read and want to join in, just add your name

1 Day, that makes it tomorrow!!!!!!!

I lay awake, warm and cosy on the sofa, for most of the night, just thinking, letting the thoughts drift not focusing on any one particular thing at all.

Of course Christmas popped up, that most strenuous of times, that most costly day of the year. I had informed my children several months ago that I will not be doing Christmas this year and that they have to make their own arrangements, an announcement that did not go down very well.

Every year I do Christmas dinner and they all come to me, it is the longest, hardest, day of the year and last year, after yet again having to, cook, clean, run around after their children while they sat on their * and drank wine and beer etc, I said thats it, the last one I am doing. They didnt believe me, now they do.
My little house is no way big enough, and to be honest I dont want to be the one doing everything while they sit around, anymore.

So son says, you come to us, we know where this is leading dont we? Apparently if I have the destructor on christmas eve as they both have to work, I can cook the meat! And I may as well stay over as its Christmas eve and I am coming back the next day anyway.

My answer, I live five minutes away, if that, I am going home and you can phone me five minutes before dinner is ready

More nocturnal thoughts later, I need a caffiene boost

There I am all buzzed up, knowing that friday is laid back day, everyone is happy as it is nearly the weekend. I plaster a radiant smile on my pale as a ghost face and make a supreme effort to greet everyone with a smile and a hello.

So what the hell happened? I dont think I have spoken to even one person who did'nt have a lousy night, and they are tired, and they think they might be getting a cold, and they have a headache. And not just the people at work either, just everyone.

So tell me, did this mysterious affliction hit all these people when I was not looking, it cant have been while I was sleeping as I didn't, but for me its normal! Is this the opposite of The Day of the Triffids? Instead of affecting all the awake people it has affected all the asleep people, which means soon giant plants will be invading our streets or something.

Its friday, what happened to great its the weekend?

Ah well never mind, I shall sip my Smirnoff ice and muse about the beautiful, and the natural, and No, it wasn't me that fed the Triffids

2 Days

What is it about Friday morning that is different to the rest of the week? Maybe its because Friday morning means last day before the weekend?

A whole two days to leave work behind, forget about all the issues, relax, do your own thing. Everyone is nicer to deal with on a friday, more relaxed, laid back and helpful. Even the bosses realise that Friday is different it is dress down day where I work, no business suits, jeans and t-shirts or wooley tops, as long as they aren't OTT.

But I have to admit my bosses are the most approachable bosses I have ever worked for, and I am including the two that own the place, down to earth, they will laugh and joke with their work force, go out of their way to make sure that things are right if their employees are giving them what they want, which to them is just good old fashioned work ethics. Do your job the best you can and of you can think of ways to improve it, let them know, they are always willing to listen and if it is a good idea to put it into practice.

Anyway enough about that, I am star struck again this morning, seeing as how I have just been stood beneath a multitude of them, icy little diamonds covering the sky.

I am being taken out to lunch today, so I had better make sure I look at least half respectable

Have a good day, and enjoy whatever you are doing

I seem to have a little bit of a situation going on at the moment at work, on the one hand I am pleased that the big boss has such faith in me that he will say " lets pass this to Lynd, she will get it done" and on the other, well it means that the person that should have done the work, and the person that normally does this kind of work as part of her job description has now had it removed from her.

Am I being disloyal to a work colleague by being loyal to clients and giving them the service that they should have been getting to start with?

It started with the addition of the Critical Illness division into my department, that was fine, as there was no appointed person untill I took it over, now they have added yet another division to my little overworked department in the form of Deaths, the Director seems to think that it follows naturally that I should deal with this, especially when he found through the absence of two supposedly key members of the Customer liaison department ( They normally deal with deaths etc) that the work was either not being carried out or was being carried out too slow and in a manner he was not best pleased with.

His instructions, overhaul all the letters that are sent out to clients and creditors, compose new ones that will actually show sympathy and not beurocracy, from now on this is your baby. Like I dont have enough to do!

Trouble is the manager of this department is a friend, the Director has decided she is not doing her job, big changes are afoot but he is not saying what yet. She is absent from work, again, and he has had the chance to look into what she actually does, or rather doesn't get done.

I feel disloyal to her when he is taking apart her department, yet at the same time I am feeling pride in my own work that he believes I can get results.

What a conundrum!

Anyway, my team won, yayyyyy, in fact all the British teams won tonight. So that has made me feel good, despite the fact that when I went to work this morning I looked like Death on a bad day

Just got back, quick sandwich and I cant stop as my team are playing in five minutes

A very, very, long day, but I will tell you more later

Ciao for now

The wind is howling, it is pouring it down,it is darn cold, anyone would think it was winter

Nearly the weekend, and for me nearly payday Not that there will be a lot left after I have paid out but hey for at least a few days I will have some money

And once again into the fray, working late tonight, got loads to do and it is work late tonight or work the weekend, hmmm, lets see now, break up the weekend or sacrifice a few hours through the week,easy choice really

Just got to find that magic spell that will stop the wind trying to blow me back the way I came, now what was it, ah yes, T A X I
Just jessin of course I only live five minutes from work, tis easier to walk than wait twenty minutes for a Jo Baxi!

I hope it is nicer out there wherever that is, and that you all have a good day.

In trying very hard to clear my head of this mugginess I have been going through past writings, no not blog ones I rarely re-read them.

Its hard enough to make sense of the things I write when I am not muggy, I am looking at them and thinking, did I really write that? So if anyone gets any weird letters in the next few days, its not me its the medication

I often read and watch true life stories, I guess it is my way of convincing myself that my life has not been that bad after all, that there are many out there like me, who have in some form or another had lousy childhoods yet have still managed to grow into half decent adults.

Sometimes I would get through by imagining that this really wasn't my life and that some King/Lord/Duke whatever was going to come one day and announce that he was my real father and my life would then begin. Of course I knew that would never happen.

Then my fantasies changed, they became less about being rescued and more about surviving and becoming someone other than the person they all thought I would be, I think I managed to do both of those quite well.

One other thing that my escapism from my early life gave me was the ability to write what I saw, I may not always do this very well, or even coherently sometimes,and the stories that I write may not be the best sellers of all time, but, they are as much a part of me as the colour of my eyes.

I set off to work feeling really Cr..erm not good, full of cold and you know how that makes you feel

Texting my normal good morning messages to my bestest friend, and him trying to make me laugh and feel better ( He is so lovely) walking down the road with the wind blowing and thinking why am I not at home in bed?

When I turned the corner and Wow, the most beautiful sight, right there in front of me. the sun was just coming up over the hills and it was colouring all the clouds, the sky was a mixture of colours from dark grey to the most beautiful pinks and blues. How could you feel grotty after seeing that? It widened the smile that my lovely friend had already put on my face.

Now I am off to put my feet up after a gruelling hour at Physio.

Catch you later

4 days

Middle of the week again, where does the time go?
Yesterday seemed to fly past despite the fact that I worked late, I guess thats because I was so busy.

I guess being busy is better than having nothing to do, being full of cold doesn't help though, but, it is only a cold and it will run its course, as they do.

Thinking about things when you are laid wrapped up on the sofa feeling slightly sorry for yourself tends to bring back memories, some that make you smile, some you dont want to remember, many you dont want to remember. Memories are nice for long winter evenings when the rain is falling and you close the curtains and get all cosy. But only if the things you remember are nice.

I remember being dressed in this pretty little white dress with a huge blue sash that tied in a bow at the back, my long hair being taken down from its plaits and brushed untill it shone, this was for a family photograph that had been requested by the grandparents, I say family it was my two brothers and I, one older and one younger. There were some taken with my hair down and some with it back in its plaits, twenty minutes after the photographs had been taken, I was up a tree, white dress and all
Boy did I suffer for that one! But I still managed to climb higher than the boys despite having a dress on, never wore that dress again

Isn't it funny the things that pop into your head?

Time to go now, again, hope you all have a great day and dont work too hard

I usually try to do the rounds of blogs a few a night and more at the weekend, but tonight I have no energy, a very long day, not getting home untill nearly half eight from work, bearing in mind I started at eight. And on top of that I am sneezing my blooming head off

Just to let you know I am not ignoring anyone, I am just a little pooped tonight and I am now going to wrap myself up on the sofa in front of the fire and relax for a short while.

So no ramblings tonight folks, unless of course I get a new lease of life somewhere in the early hours

5 Days

Hey ho, another work day, I seem to measure my life by these at the moment, but then most of us do

It is pouring it down ( nothing new there then ) and slightly cold, but, its not as bad as it could be. at least its not snowing

So have a good Tuesday folks, and dont get too wet

I dont consider myself to be stupid, then again I would never get in the running for the brain of britain! I am of a fairly high intelligence, I love learning, and I devour information as though it was biscuits with afternoon coffee.

So I am bemused and bewildered at the fact that I cannot seem to master Statistics. Give me figures, such as I work with, I will instantly work out the percentages, instantly work out the difference between the account balance and the settlement figure when they only give me a percentage to work with.

My children used to find it amusing that they could give me sums to do and I would beat the calculator, but thats more to do with others having slow fingers than me being clever I failed miserably at maths when I was at school, and the only reason I am any good with figures is because they interest me. When you have to feed and clothe three children and run a household on next to nothing you soon learn the value of being able to play with figures. And my Mother had trained as an accountant so I guess figures run in the family.so to speak

But, somewhere somehow when those statistics enter my brain, they just dont go nowhere, its like there is an invisible hand blocking the way with a no entry sign. I read the books, I think I have absorbed it, then when I come to do anything with it, my mind goes totally and completely blank. I look at it and struggle to remember what is a quasi-experiment, what is a between participants design, continuous, discrete and categorical variables,and so on and so forth. Its like there is a hole where the information should be?

So any tips on how to retain this very important information or how to recall it? Because I have tried every trick in the book and this baby dont want to play!

There are times when the day has been slightly stressful, or when things weigh me down a little more than they should, and the Angel wings seem to droop a little, that I welcome the sweet soothing nature of rain.

I stand in the pouring rain and let it wash over me,and yes I know I will probably catch pneumonia, but I did have my coat on Somehow it seems to sooth away all the bad stuff and I start to feel human again, perhaps I feel too much for others, and sometimes their pain seems to outweigh everything else,it casts a shadow over me, and the rain washes it away, releases it, and no it isn't anything that my friends at home or on here have done, I guess I get too involved with my work.

And on to better things, except I cannot think of any.

So back later with those
Hope everyone else had a good Monday?

6 Days

Monday, the beginning of another week, where is the time going?

I loved the comments I got from yesterdays post, which just goes to prove that the word 'Normal' should be removed from the dictionary

Anyway not a lot of time today, so much to do, so little time,it has a way of running away with you when you most need it to slow down a little. Sorry I wasn't around to answer your comments last night, I had one of those days that just seem to fly there is so much to be crammed into it. Is it me or does time seem to go faster at this time of the year?? Snowballing us to the beginning of the next one?

Have a good Monday all, and I will catch you later, when i stop to catch my breath

Znethru and I decided we had to think about what 'Normal' is for an hour (or three as the case may be) and then blog it. We have not discussed it, I am writing mine he is writing his. So here we go.
The question was 'What is Normal?'
How do we define normal?

Do we measure it against ourselves and the things that we do? or do we measure it against the 'Norms' of society?

Societies 'Norms' have built up over years of people telling you what is and isn't 'right', politicians, doctors etc. So then if we are to measure 'Normal' by these rules then neither I nor many of my friends can be classed as such.

We know that society is ever changing and the things that were looked upon as 'Abnormal' say twenty years ago are no longer looked on as such today, well there are still some that believe in things that are no longer the case, but this is more because of prejudice than anything else.

So lets judge 'Normal' against ourselves, I think it perfectly normal to kick through leaves on the ground, sleep silly hours, eat when i feel like it, or when my body insists I do. Gaze at stars, dance to music that I like, sing, be a shoulder to cry on, confuse people, annoy people because they dont 'get' where I am coming from and I cant seem to explain it to them. Debate issues from local to world back to local, play football, watch football, dislike cricket, think tennis is boring, prefer to read/write than watch TV, put others that I care about before all else.

Yet I know that not everyone is like me, perhaps there are very few like me, or maybe there are many, to me 'Normal' is being who you are, being true to yourself and not letting others make you something you are not.

So the answer, well there isn't one, because each individual will define 'normal' as seen through their own eyes, their own beliefs, the way they were raised and the way they are now.

I know I have said it before, and I run the risk of people saying " here she goes again" but you know, I dont give a Damn, I feel many times that I am a really lucky person.

I have great friends, I am sat listening to some fantastic music, my pleasure in this music is made even more special by the fact that I know hardly anyone else has ever heard this music, a friend of mine composed it, plays it and sent me it to listen to and get my opinion, he trusted me enough to let me have this music before it comes out on CD.

I have a Job I like and am good at, even though it is hectic and sometimes frustrating. I have a family, somewhere, that maybe gives me a thought every now and then. I have my own family, that are also frustrating, but I love em!

I may not have a husband/partner, but that has been partly my choice and partly circumstance, one day maybe. But right now, it is not an issue.

I have the ability to laugh and I do, often, I have the ability to debate and discuss many issues with friends, I have the ability to see and hear and touch, to feel the beauty that surrounds me, life is good, and I am lucky to be able to live it with such good company

An interesting day so far, had to dash off but am back now for a little while.

Did I get the synopsis done? Erm actually no, but I did get the question and answer paper done

Interesting conversations last night, thanks guys

Have had a fairly musical morning Motorhead, Queen, Iron Maiden, Abba, Don Maclean (live in concert singing Crying, goosebump time) Dionne Warwick, Alabama Three, Kenny G and of course Pink Floyd, cannot have a musical day without Pink Floyd now could we? Now listening to Kuffdam and Plant Playing Dream Makers.

The heavens seem filled with stars this past week, the clouds always seem to have dissapeared when I go out and the sky is so clear, so dark and so many stars. Makes me feel kind of small, Well smaller than I already am anyway ) It is so vast, so endless.

Anyway, sunday the day to rest and relax so how many are actually doing that?

Good Morning Its Sunday
Got to go
Back later

I see the same scene each night, the beautiful stars in the night sky, I never get tired of it, how can you tire of such beauty? Such perfection? Tonight I even saw a shooting star, amazing.

Serial killers and Signature killers, I am often asked why there are two names for what is basically the same thing? I will explain as far as I can, yes a signature killer is a serial killer, what makes him different though?

A serial killer as everyone knows is a person that kills over and over untill stopped. Throughout the course of his career he/she will evolve, starting with probably only assaults and then evolving, becoming more daring if you like, and more frequent untill they are finally caught. The serial killer usually chooses a type of person to kill in a specific way, the reason for his kill is always his own mental image. And they use many reasons for picking their specific targets.

A signature killer is a serialist in that they kill over and over untill stopped, the difference between the two, the signature killer does not keep to a certain type of person, nor do they keep to a specific way of doing the deed, the one thing that they do is leave a signature, something specific to them, a mark on the body, a certain way of leaving the victim, displaying them or covering them up. Often this is the only way that some murders can be connected the means of the murder being so different. A signature killer is often evolved before murders are connected, being able to go for long periods without being compelled to kill. Of course as with their counterparts the time in between murders does get shorter, sometimes they may commit two or three in a short space of time, then laying low for a longer period before reappearing.

With serialists the thrill becomes harder to sustain as time goes by and they have to re-enact it more often.

It is believed that the first serialist was Jack the Ripper, though it could be that it was merely the first one that became publicly acknowledged.

Whoooops wrong button

Anyway I have just spent a whole two hours lounging on the sofa and reading a fictional book

two hours now I will spend the rest of the weekend catching up on what I should have been doing Which is basically doing work I wont have time to do when at work, there is something sadly wrong here, hmmmmmm

But, my confession is, dan da dan.... I just watched Americas next top model, I know, I know, but in my defense I was too comfortable to get up and get the remote, which my daughter had moved out of Molly's way I watched three episodes before I was driven to the refuge of the study

So what we all up to tonight?

By the way, its only 8 Days

Right so break time, only because my mind has gone totally blank and the synopsis is still a blank sheet

Blog.co wont let me post any music, which is good for you guys but not for me, seems it likes to upload it but then wont let it play??

Hence the previous post

At the moment it is also preventing me from commenting on certain blogs, when I try to comment it is booting me off the site completely, which also may be good for you guys but is damn frustrating, and makes people think that I am not visiting, so to all those that are not recieving comments, I am reading just have been gagged for some reason

Now the most asked questions paper might have been easier to start on than the synopsis, might try that see if it unblocks this block

I need a little time to think it over
I need a little space just on my own
I need a little time to find my freedom
I need a little

Funny how quick the milk turns sour, isn't it isn't it?
Your face has been looking like that for hours, hasn't it hasn't it?
Promises,promises turn to dust, wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mistrust

I need a little room to find myself
I need a little space to work it out
I need a little room all alone
I need a little

You need a little room for your big head dont you, dont you?
You need a little space for a thousand beds wont you wont you?
Lips that promise feel the worst tongue so sharp the bubble burst, just into unjust

I had a little time to find the truth
I had a little room to check whats wrong
I had a little time I still love you
I had a little

You had a little time and you had a little fun didn't you didn't you
While you were having yours did you think I had none do you, do you?
The freedom that you wanted back is yours for good I hope you're glad
Sad into unsad
I've had a little time to think it over,
I've had a little room to work it out,
I found a little courage to call it off

I've had a little time, I've had a little time.

Beautiful South

I was asked in a gentlemanly way to scan and post my night ramblings, composed in those wee hours using the medium of pen and paper, yes it does still exist

Friday night, which means that for the next two days it is rest, relaxation, a bit of fun, maybe a frolic? Well no maybe not that one. The time to go with the flow, right?

No not quite, but you knew that before you even read this far

So no less than three meetings with directors,advisors etc. Apparently my little department just expanded, from now on, not only do I run the full and final department, I also run the Critical illness department.

Now this second department didn't even exist untill today ( Me and my bright ideas ) Now I not only have to get it up and running, as well as doing my other work in my other department, but I have to spend this weekend writing a synopsis for each director of three different departments, a most asked questions, complete with answers, paper to cut down on unnecessary callbacks, a layout of what I require on the database for my new department, and a percentage run down for the advisors

Plus I have to compose several different types of letters, to creditors and clients to be sent out when we are informed of critical illness that affects the client, somewhere in-between I may get time to blog!

But apart from that. hey,hey,hey its Friday

9 Days

Blog.co is operating in a time warp Last night it failed to notify me that people had commented untill thirty minutes or more after, but I was here so it mattered not, I thought it strsnge at the time that it/they only notified me of certain comments.

I had notification of a couple of recent ones and a couple that had already been answered, then this morning I open my mailbox and it has notified me of a couple more, long after I had signed off and even longer after I had answered them. Still some missing, will they be there tonight I wonder??

Tis raining and the darkness is intensified by the black sky, never mind, was a quick walk this morning, Molly does not like rain, I am still only halfway there and she is back at the door

I am late this morning so no wanderings, though there are some to talk of, another time, right now the White Rabbit seems to be lording it over all.

Have a good Friday

I been walking, just wandering around this old town, well sort of.

Midnight diamonds stud my heavens.

I love that line, when I looked at that sky tonight, the stars looked just like diamonds twinkling on a bed of the darkest blue velvet, a clear winter sky, winter seems to sharpen the edges of everything dont you think? The sky seems clearer, more defined somehow, the stars glitter brighter.

Even the shadows seem to have harder edges, not as soft as summer shadows, the outlines of the trees seem stark against the winter background, softening only where the lights from the houses lend a warm glow to the dark night.

Walking home I passed houses with the lights out and the eerie flickering glow of the TV the only signs of life, other houses had their curtains drawn against the night and there was just a thin line of light where it escaped at the edges, many houses were lit, yet closed against the cold outside sending out warming signs for the weary traveller.

I used to wander at all hours of the night, when the children were young and they went to spend the weekend with their Dad, I would take the dogs ( I had two border collies then)and off we would go, we would wander for miles, for hours.

Sometimes we would spend hours in the park, playing on the swings and the slide, chasing sticks, frisbees, anything that flew through the air really. People thought I was crazy, but I loved the night, I loved its freedom, its mystery, its magic.

In the night you didn't have to pretend, put on that smile that reassured the world that everything was fine, but the night always brought the genuine smiles.

The hedgehogs creeping through the gardens, the little mice that scurried about, you could almost imagine what they were saying to each other as they went about their nighttime rituals " I told you not to go through the Hawthorne bush, didnt I tell you"
"Yes dear"
" And it takes ages to get out of the fur, didnt I tell you"
" Yes dear"

OK, maybe not quite that, but I used to imagine those types of conversations going on between the little night creatures, and of course Mr Haughty Owl.
I would even find myself having conversations with the owls, always have done, very intelligent, owls are

The night has a thousand eyes.

And so it does, always some creature watching you, probably thinking you are crazy too " Whats that crazy woman doing in my woods? Its bedtime for Humans" Mr Badger was probably thinking as I passed him on the path. Either that or " Oh sod it!! Crazy woman just frightened my dinner away!"
Hours of entertainment in the night.
Well there is for Crazy people anyway.

10 Days

Humans are obsessed with time, from the early ancient sundial to the wristwatch, we measure the hours in the day, the minutes in the hour, the seconds in the minutes. Our work is timed, our play is timed, and even our sleep ( For those lucky enough to know what that is) is timed. We live by the bell, the hooter the alarm. We tick off the days of our lives by each morning alarm sound and each evening look at the clock that denotes bedtime.

Have you ever taken a day and not watched time? Got out of bed when you desired to, and not looked at the clock,or turned on the TV ? Of course it isn't easy to do, you have to be sure that there is nowhere specific you want to go, because of opening and closing times, bus times, train times. But you should try it, take a day, and hide your clocks, leave the TV off, no radio, just relax and do what you want when you want, and see what happens, I will take odds that at some point in the day you will have to discover what time it is!

Even as I sit here typing this, the clock rules, I watch its minutes ticking and I am thinking I have X amount of time before I have to be out of that door and off to work.

And right now it seems that there isn't a great deal of that commodity called time left.

11 days and counting

Had my weekly dose of American Gothic, and yet another bath, at this rate I will wash myself away. Felt the need to relax, bit of a strange day following on the heels of sleeplesness.

Think I would be used to it by now this no sleeping lark, but some nights it just seems worse than others. Used to be a time when there would be somehing good on the TV to keep me entertained, but no longer

I guess I will just have to write, I used to do that before, in my long hours of wakefulness in the dark, let the words flow and see what is on the paper at the end of it all. There used to be some pretty crazy scribblings there, believe me, it is surprising what the mind can conjure up when you give it free rein

So plenty of pencils/pens at the side of the bed, two A4 writing pads, plenty of fluids, just in case, and we are ready for bed

Funny the things you think in the dead of night when all is quiet around you, it feels like you are the only person on the planet still alive.

Sometimes you just want to make a loud noise, just to ensure yourself that you are still alive and not lost in the grey ether of netherland, the long grey plains of nothingness.

Then a cat yowls and you jump ten feet in the air and bang your head on the wall/bedhead and you realise that you were actually holding your breath waiting for some kind of sound/movement. Doesn't stop you cursing the cat though

Meeting with the director tomorrow, that should be fun, am pleading a case for a client, I will win, I will have my say, I may be unemployed by tomorrow night

The rain is falling, it is cold winter rain yet it is soft and gentle, its little icy fingers touching my face and waking me from my early morning stupor.

A strange night, sleep flitted breifly across my eyes and let them close for a little while, but brought only chaos instead of the peace that sleep is supposed to bring,Guess my head is full of too much stuff right now. Hurdles climbed and others built, but I guess thats the way it goes.

Not enough to keep my mind busy and so it finds things to dissect, analyse, take apart piece by piece untill it has found the core and then it moves on to find another something and start all over again. Busy, busy, busy.

White Rabbits abound

I go to work , I come home, and another friend has gone. I just got her too

A long day, which I expected with being away yesterday, still it was more hectic than I thought it would be. I really didnt need Mr 'I am more important than anyone else' on the phone for twenty minutes, he was soooo close to being told where to put his custom

But I was good and kept my patience, even when the phone went every time I tried to go for a break
*No ciggie for you, try a new habit like chewing your fingernails* Not a chance, ask Subz about my fingernails!

Anyway, I survived, and there were golden nuggets to be had through the day too. A beutiful letter from the manager of a very large, well known banking organisation that proved that they are human, they wiped off a substantial amount of money because of the ill health of one of my clients, bless them One less thing for the poor man to worry about.

And some lovely messages from people that had been informed I was unwell, wishing me a speedy recovery, all clients, so sweet.

So all in all the day balanced itself out, and I have even had food ( Did you read that Paddy? ) Now I need a long hot soak, bubbles, soft music, trouble is, no wine left, have to make do with coffee

Not got much time, am a little late this morning, what with dog walking and doing everything slower this morning so the head will behave.

Tuesday and it is cold but clear out there in the world, the stars are twinkling in a cloud free sky, at least I get to see the stars living here, without having to take a walk to the woods or the river.

There are down sides but today we are concentrating on good things, actually I am trying not to concentrate at all. Free flow thinking, which means I could end up writing anything

There will be much work, due to not being there yesterday, but it will make the day go faster, so it will soon be home time. Funny I like my job, but right now all I seem to concentrate on is doing it and getting home, perhaps it is the effect of winter?

Very little sleep, but that was to be expected after sleeping through the day, even though it was drug induced, the problem with not sleeping is it gives your mind time to play, which is not always a good thing, not for me anyway. I do far too much thinking.

Anyway time to prepare for the day ahead, as much as one can of course. And I hope that everyone has a good one.

OK good things, lets have no more of this moaning and feeling sorry for ones self!!

so excellant news from a friend, that made me smile and feel all warm inside,I love it when good things happen to good people.

Paddy managed once again to make me feel like a million dollars, could one ask for a better friend than he?

The headache has gone, Whooo hooo, could be something to do with the drugs like

I have been reading blogs all over blogland, you know I am pretty lucky really, I have some excellant friends both here and in real life, I may be poor, but whats mine is me own
Apart from work I am pretty much my own master, which is a good feeling after years of being in someone elses shadow.

I met some great people this weekend who took me for me, and that I have to tell you is a great feeling, I spoke to another guy, who really is lovely and also managed to make me feel good too.

Isnt life great

13 days

OK a good old shake up, drug induced sleep ( Yes Juzzzy, I did sleep ) head is easing off a bit, which was the worse part, feeling a leeeetle better than this morning, and I will be going to work tomorrow, even if I have to crawl

Second phone call of the day, the five year old Destructor has been taken on to hospital with a suspected broken toe, normally something we take in our stride, only apparently the little man did this at school on friday and his 'Mothers' excuse for not taking him?
Excuse one on Friday, couldn't fit all the kids in the car, will take him in the morning.
Excuse two on Saturday, her boyfriend was at work, excuse three on sunday will take him to the doctors in the morning.
My son only found out today and asked when he did if she had taken him yet, nope, so he went and got him and he has taken him to the hospital, where they still are.

We have had words on more than one occasion about her attitude towards her son, and I still say she only took him back because of what people were saying. Grrrrrr, that woman!!

And on to nicer things, cept I cant think of any right now, I will be back when I can.

OK I am suffering, more because I hate being sick, and I hate having time off work, and I hate using the word hate!!

I am a callous,coldhearted bitch, I forgot my Mothers birthday, I didnt do it on purpose, despite the fact she forgets mine all the time, I just have had so much on my mind, it clean went away and I forgot for the first time ever and now I feel like the worst person in the world.

How does she manage to do that to me, even now after all these years, a phone call and I am that useless, fat, ugly, good for nothing little girl again. Out of the whole family I am the only one who ever stood up to her, and she had to call me today, when I am not up to facing her. Damn!!

I am sat propped up with cushions and wrapped up in a quilt, trying to see the screen without squinting due to the jackhammers in my head. Shaking, shivering, coughing. So if there are more spelling mistakes than normal you know why.

Told off by the lovely Paddy who tells me to go to bed, I will do soon hun

My turn to write about the weekend, now everyone else is home and everyone knows about Juzzzys antics with the curtain tie backs

Saturday morning loomed and I was a bundle of nerves, I fed the young one and delivered him back home. Got home, and decided that what I was going to wear was not right then decided the second choice was even more wrong! Ten o'clock and I am in town, right at this moment I was starting to get that panicky feeling, nothing to wear ( which is rubbish I had loads) and supposed to be in the city in a couple of hours.

Oh my God the City, the place I avoid like the plague, all those people!!

I wandered and found a skirt, it just caught my eye and next thing I am walking home having bought it, the bank balance is looking a little bleak as I have just paid my uni fees, but the skirt was a bargain at only a fiver in the sales

Dont ask me how but I am showered, dressed and stood in the station grasping my ticket in my hand by a quarter to twelve. The thing now was, could I actually get on the train?

The night before I had tried to direct a certain Journalist to the Hotel when he had got off the train, my directions had been given to me by someone that lived there, had he actualy listened, he would have got there faster, but being Male he only half listened, still he managed to get there in the end But, he had called me that morning and Nixie had texted me to make sure I was going to be there.

So I sent a text and said I was in the station, and he called and said he would meet me, now that I thought was really sweet, and I gathered my self together and waited for the train.

The train pulled in, now normally I am not too bad on the train, big train,loads of room, only not today, oh no, to further compound my fears they had sent one of the old,little trains, and all the people stood on the platform, and all the people on the train already, and the shakes start. And I stood rooted to the spot, then the lady with the dog that I had been talking to says, come on dear, theres room in this one! Bless her.

I managed to find a seat by the door, single so noone could come between me and the aisle and more importantly the door. The train set off, and reality hit home, what was I doing? So I did the only thing I could think of, I texted Paddy, he kept me going all the way to Leeds, he is my rock, my sweetheart.

I textyed our journalist friend when we were outside Leeds, and sure enough there he was waiting for me when I got off the train.
I recognised him instantly, as I did the others when I walked in the pub.

Juzzzy: In my opinion, a gentleman, a sweetheart and a lovely friend, thankyou, for everything you did for me.

Kay: Lovely person, funny, charming,a star.

Subz: Everything I thought she would be, warm, and funny,

Abi: You rock girl, we didnt spend enough time together, next time we will.

Sixpence and Morelearning: Absolute knock outs, she is funny,vivacious and wonderful, he is everything I expected and more, a lovely,lovely man, and as others have said what those two have is amazing.

Michael ( Molt) A lovely, lovely man, again not enough time, but the time I did chat to him, this is a warm and lovely person.

Fatal: What can I say, you are a total nutter, and I love it, witty, funny, totally down to earth, had me almost crying with laughter.

Nixie: A lovely, lovely person, who I might add was responsible for most of this ( Are you mad?? ) and so a big thankyou, because it was a great day for me.

They all made me feel at ease ( once out of the crowded pub I was better, sorry guys! ) They were all funny, they all kept me laughing, I am so glad that I got on that train, thankyou all of you xx

Life is strange, something that I have learnt over the years. I always take things as they come mostly, those things that I have to plan ahead for, I do so with care to allow for the unexpected this phenomenon tends to lay waste to the best laid plans when it decides to appear.

Its not always a bad thing, it does however always create havoc, simply because it is unexpected you cannot predict what it will be, or how it will affect your life. I guess its like falling in love, it just happens and when it does you just have to go with it, or fight it, either way it turns your life around.

I have been through some pretty rough times, some of my unexpecteds were quite bad, life changingly so, but as someone said to me yesterday, I'm still standing ( Elton John eat your heart out ) And I have had some good ones too, perhaps not as life changing as the bad ones, but enough to keep me 'standing' as it were.

I was asked, in a round-a-bout kind of way why I support the football team that I have supported since being little. I will tell you a story ( This is for you Juzzzy)

I was born down South, in Southampton, we lived in Barton Stacey, and then we went to Singapore for four years. When we came back we lived in Blackpool for a little while, then we moved to Sutton, then Kildwick ( North Yorkshire) and finally here to West Yorkshire, so I am quite travelled really. Being an Army Brat I mixed with people from all over the United Kingdom, my accent when we first came here was a mixture of all of those places, what they call an Army accent. It is apparently quite yorkshire now.

Those that have followed my blog know a little about my life as a child was not brilliant. When I was about eight going on nine I met a girl at the shop, she talked funny, well to me she did anyway. We sat and chatted as kids do, something I got into trouble for, as I was suppposed to be taking mam her cigs! Anyway, we met often at the shop and we would have a little chat. She, it turns out was the only girl in a family of boys and they had moved down the road from the shop because of her Da's job, thats what she called him ' me Da', then one day Da was waiting outside the shop when she came out. He was a lovely man, but me I didn't like men so much, I didnt have a lot of contact with anyone that wasn't a teacher or doctor etc.

He wanted to see who it was kept his 'Princess' chatting for ages when she should only take two minutes. I got invited to the house, which I had to decline that day, but eventually I spent all my free time there, such as it was. They were a family of Geordies and avid Newcastle supporters, I knew nothing about football, we were a rugby/boxing/wrestling/dirt tracking/scrambling family, because of the Army. The 'Male Parent' was in the Scrambling/Dirt tracking team and he had also boxed. Mam was the wrestling fan.

Sadly when I was ten they had to move away, Da's job again. I was devastated, but they had taught me many things in the time that I knew them, all dads and mams were not like mine, families coud be like families, and there were nice people in the world. He told me,her Da, that I had a lovely soul, that it shone and that I was a fighter and to never let them take away my Golden light, I hadn't a clue what he was talking about, all I knew was that they saw something other than the insipid,frightened little girl. And they left me a legacy if you like, football.

Football was a whole new world to me, and one I became caught up in, I took their team as my team, and I have supported them ever since, through the good and the bad, and shall always do so. So thats why I support the team I do, not complicated at all

Well it has been a big day for me, I am not going to blog about the meet, not untill the others get back.
Lets just say I have climbed a great hurdle today, and I am glad I did

So the dogs been walked, I have had a lovely Chinese supper with some excellant company, not a blogger Just a friend

And I had a lovely chat on the phone with another lovely friend.

All in all its been a very good day

15 Days

Since I stumbled upon this place nearly a year ago now, I have found some lovely people, quite a few in fact. I have travelled with them through their trials and tribulations, their joys and laughter, their highs and lows , I have seen them find love,lose love, have babies ( Where are Lisa/Hobbit and Jon? ) get new jobs, and so on.

All the normal everyday happenings of people throughout their lives. They come and they go, some of the ones that I met right at the beginning have gone, sadly for us, but they did what they had to do, found what they were looking for, and when they left we wished thm well and hoped that every now and then they would pop by.

Today, in a few hours I am going to meet some of these people, and while I am looking forward to it, I am soooo nervous, and of course every single thing that could go wrong has done, my washer isn't plumbed in yet so I take it to my sons, whose washer decided to break down, So no warm winter woolies for me then!!

I know that these are people that will accept me for me and that they might have preconceived ideas as to what I look like and talk like, but they are willing to be mistaken and take me as they find me, it still doesn't stop those normal shakes and fears that I get when meeting people, I am far too shy, but I will be there, I promised a certain gentleman that I would.

On the plus side the sun has just come out and the sky right now is clear. Still cold though. So if any of you should get a call asking where I am, tell them look for the block of ice, that will be me

16 Days

I had a good day at work yesterday, one of those days when I seemed to have that gift of the smooth talking, now why cant I be like that outside of work? Instead of this person that either says too little, and the silences become embarrasing, or says too much and most of it is incomprehensible, gobble-de-gook!

How I ever got to meet anyone, ever, is beyond me.

We all carry around this mental image of ourselves, and we never see ourselves as others see us. This can be down to many things, our images of ourselves are built on what we see in the mirror ( What mirror? ) magnified by the opinions of those that fed our Psyche in our formative years, built upon by our dealings with others as we have evolved our own personalities and made our way in the world.

Self esteem is a fragile thing,it can be buffered and flattered and become this shell that cocoons you, only to be shattered and left wanting by the use of a few harsh and often unwarrented words. The you that you thought you saw, goes back in to the shadow of the you that you are used to seeing, that you are sure no one else wants to see.

Be strong in the shadow of this other you turn on the light and shadows go back to lurking in corners, they do say there is nothing to fear but fear itself.

There is beauty in everyone, it only needs releasing.

17 Days

And to continue with this mornings ramble

I use words to paint pictures, perhaps not always very well, but I cannot paint or draw, so my use of words is all that I have.

The problem with the written word, it does not use gestures, so often we place apostrephes ( did I spell that right? ) or smiley faces to convey what we mean.

Yet the great authors do not have smiley faces all over their stories, can you imagine Bleak House or the Tale of Two Cities with smileys! ?
" Tis a far better thing I do Than any has ever done " Doesn't have quite the same impact does it?

They use the placement of words to get across the emotions, you can feel the tension, hear the eerie music, just know she hasn't got to open that door!! A good book captures your imagination, holds you in its pages and lingers after the book has been replaced on the shelf, a great book can be read a dozen times and still make you feel the same as you did the first time.

When I find a book I can read more than once I always seem to find on the second reading little things that I missed on the first, one such book for me is the Talisman, co-Authored by Stephen King ( Who sadly has retired from writing) and Peter Straubb, this book is magical, no matter how many times I read it, even though I know what is going to happen, I still have to savour every word, every adventure that twelve year old boy has. And I so love Wolfie!

Which brings us back to the written word and how it is the person reading it that interprets its meaning, rightly or wrongly, it is what they see as the emotions or intentions of the writer that brings those words to life.

Words are fascinating things, they can teach you, chastise you,endear you, alienate you. But still they fascinate.

True they are only symbols when written, much like the signs we used to convey meaning before the word was invented. Without them Juzzzy would be out of a job, and so would I, communication, we Humans thrive on it, we search for it, we need it in whatever form it is offered.

Words are powerful tools, used to start and end wars, love affairs, friendships. They can hurt more than any physical pain because once spoken/written they cannot be taken back or cured as a physical wound can.

Yet they can be the tenderest, warmest, most wonderful things too, cheer you up when you are down, make you feel good when you feel bad, bring you high when you are low.

Often spoken unthinkingly, quickly, laughingly, harshly,cruelly, kindly. Where would we be without the magic and power of words?

See right now I should be abed, preparing for the sandman to sprinkle his dust, as you can see I am not.

One of my problems is I think too much, I get to thinking about things and then I have to chew them over and then think some more, I always have to find answers, even though I know that sometimes there just aren't any.

I never prejudge people, in fact I rarely judge people at all, each individual lives to the beat of their own drum, I might not understand some of the beats, but hey they might not understand mine! So I try to meet people on a balanced level, sort of take what bit I might know of them and balance it with what I 'see' in the communictions I have with them.

I was always told 'never judge a book by its cover' and that is so true, many books I would never have read had I relied on the cover for guidance, good books they turned out to be too. And there are friends that I would never have made had I gone on first impressions, because they can often be misrepresntative of how a person really is, some people are nervous when they meet new people and that can be disguised in many ways giving a wrong first impression.

I like to see the person within, you dont often see that when you first meet a person, it is the person within that counts you see, at least thats what I believe. I believe it because after years of being told that I was ugly and fat and useless, I decided that it didn't matter, what mattered was the person I was/am, not what I looked like, and I kinda like that person, the one inside, though sometimes she can be a pain

I now know why they call it Physi O, the O stands for OOhhh and Owwcchh. Rough, but I suppose it could have been worse, I haven't thought of how it could have been worse yet, but give me time I will

So Mister Physiotherapist says that typing is good for my hand, I said cool, but I broke my wrist and when I type my wrist rests on the thingummyjig, and I use my fingers, dont most people?

We sort of didn't hit it off very well, like when he said " I want you to squeeze the aggression apple!"
Excuse me??

Alright you can behave now, AJ,CJ,Paddy, I was good I did not give in to temptation, I merely asked him to illuminate previous statement, " The ball, squeeze the ball! " OK, so now it is getting harder to keep a straight face, and behave, so I excused myself and went to the bathroom

You know I am pretty cool, I get called all sorts of things and I dont really mind when I get called these names like 'love' and 'dearie' you know a lot of these are Yorkshire expressions, and as I have friends from all over I get called Hinny and well all sorts, but one of my pet hates is being called 'Duck!' Do I look like a duck? Do I have feathers and waddle? Well I might waddle, a little But he kept saying it, " Come on Duck you can do it, no gain without pain duck" Grrrr, I almost showed him where that damn dumbell should go!

So here I am home and safe, and achey, nice hot coffee to warm up after standing waiting in the cold and the wet for the bus for three quarters of an hour! Never mind, all over till next week!!

18 Days

Its raining, its pouring, I haven't got an old man so the rest of that ditty is irrelevant

The rain is falling, and as it is winter rain it is neither soft nor gentle, but it is refreshing, and the air still retains that magnificent earthy smell that comes with rain.

I love early morning, the quiet as there is no traffic, the fresh smell, no traffic fumes, the stillness when all around are asleep, nothing moves except the night creatures. There is a time just before the world begins to stir when it is so still it is almost as though the world has stopped and you are the only creature that still resides there,your breath the only sound,so quiet you can hear your own heart beat, it is mysterious, wonderful, magical.

Then someone will cough in a bedroom, in a house, somewhere, and the spell is broken and the sounds rush back in as though someone has turned on a switch and turned up the sound,for a few minutes it is magnified and then settles back down to the normal sounds of people stirring to begin the day.

As I now must, hope everyone has a good one

19 Days

You know winter is here when the moon Goddess lingers to say Hi to the Sun God, that was the scene as I set off for work this morning. Moon still in the sky waiting to greet the sun.

Beautiful sight,moon in the now light sky still going strong, nothing says winter quite like it, apart from snow and fog and ice

A long day and of course I worked late, so much to do, so little time etc etc. But the time passes quickly as I am so busy, and then I wonder where the days/weeks have gone.

Soon another year will have passed and what have I done with it? Ah yes thats right spent most of it studying, still it will be worth it, or at least I keep telling myself that.

And now for some R&R, if I can stop myself from writing som more

Just a quick hello this morning to wish everyone a good morning and have a great day.

Brrrrrr its cold, though the moon was bright and clear again as I went for early morning walkies, a clear sky, with the moon and stars shining, it felt like the middle of the night

Off to another day of hectic hours,catch you all later, have a good one

The day started with the 'I dont want to go' feeling that most people tell me is normal for a Monday morning, not for me it isn't, but nice to know that I have some normality in me

It ended, the working part of it at least, with the 'where the heck did the time go' feeling of a hectic and full schedule. 17 Voice mails, I was there friday, I dont do weekends ( if I can help it) and still that many voice mails, dont these people have a life?

So I am negotiating with creditors and calming clients, and laughing and joking with other clients and thinking, how did I get to be doing this?

When I was younger I wanted to be a writer,I knew that I never would be, my parents belittled my writing when ever they could and The Male Parent destroyed all my poetry and stories in a fit of temper when I was about fourteen/fifteen. He told me to stop fantasising because I would never be good enough to be a writer or to be anything other than what I was intended for, a wife and mother. Guess I was a big dissapointment to them when I refused to stay married and be a good little wife!

I stopped writing for many years after he had burned all my stuff, every so often I would get the urge to put pen to paper and I would squash it by thinking of all the other things that needed doing. Time passes, and then you find one day that those words in your head wont be ignored any longer and you just have to write them down.

Now I write all the time, and it may never go further than blogland (though I have had two poems published) and it may not be to everyones taste, but writing gives me something that nothing else ever has, freedom to express myself.

Monday Morning and we start again,sometimes it would be nice to just say sod it and turn over in that nice, warm, cosy bed. Still the wage has to be earned, unfortunately.

Had a pretty laid back Sunday, to make up for Saturday, finally got my study looking like a study and not a dump site, pretty good going since I have only been here two months Normally takes me longer than that to finally unpack all my stuff, though I had lived at the other place four and a half years and still had stuff in boxes!

All prepared in case I get company this weekend

Up and raring to go? Not quite, up and showered and prepared for the day ahead but raring to go is kinda pushing it this morning, I am having a rare moment of 'Dont feel like it' it will pass, I hope

There was the most magnificent moon when I took the dog out at five thirty this morning, is it really a month since we were discussing the harvest moon? Doesn't it go so fast?

Ah well, time to get ready for the day, hope you all have a good one

Such a beautiful day and lets face it there will not be many warm ones left,I just couldn't let it go to waste. I cancelled the town trip heeding some well given advice about the perils of bonfire night shoppers.

So Molly and I went walking.

Not to the woods, this time we went the other way, not far from where I am living are two parks, one has a museum and is called Cliffe Castle, the museum is in whats left of the old house, the dower house I think it is. There are birds though not many as they lost part of their grant and had to give up on their livestock.

When I was little and we went on a trip there, usually during the holidays, there was so much to see, even when I took my own, they had hours of fun, it is sad when beurocracy forces changes that are not for the good.

The other park became a no go area for a while some years back, due to the gangs that roamed it, kids with nothing better to do that gained their kicks from frightening people and causing havoc, they have moved on now and the park is getting a make over, or so I discovered today. Which made it a bit of a muddy walk to begin with, there are diggers all over and paths closed off, but the beauty of the place won out and we enjoyed our time in there.

I laughed at Molly on the way there, this is the dog that is frightened of her own shadow and when a cheeky little Squirrel jumped on to the wall at the side of her she nearly flew in to the air. The squirrel obviously thought this was a game and teased her half way down the road, untill she decided to chase it, luckily she was on the lead, though I nearly lost an arm! That was enough for the squirrel and it disappeared.

The best bit however was coming back, we had to climb a long road back up, but doing so put us quite high up and as we reached the top in all its glory before me was the most beautiful sunset. I had noticed the clouds kissed with pink as we were walking up, but this was a sky so red it was on fire, the deepest of reds in the middle fanning out to the palest of pinks where the sun had kissed the few fluffy clouds that floated high up on an invisible breeze.

Awesome. Just wish I had taken a camera with me, so I could let you all see how beautiful it was.

Everyone knows that I have a crowd phobia, and it has caused me a lot of problems in the past. Having to leave shopping in the middle of the aisle at the supermarket and just leave, it taking five trips to buy two items. Spending the rest of the day sweating, shivering, and just plain out of it.Anyone that suffers panic attacks for whatever reason knows how that feels.

I thought that I was getting better, that I was finally conquoring it, but apparently not. Yesterday, I went shopping, Saturdays are one of the worst days, and it was like an ultimate test, I managed it last week. Well I had my daughter with me, both last week and this.

Only it seems that last week must have been a quiet Saturday, I knew the minute we hit the town center it was going to be different, now I had had a little erm, Glich shall we say, during the week, a new shop had opened a few weeks ago and I had kept out of it, but Thursday afternoon I braved it knowing that I had been doing so well, and after all it was afternoon, how bad could it be? Well it was bad enough for me to bang into shelves in my attempt to escape, getting those looks, you know the 'Crazy woman' looks?

So Saturday I had calmed down and was ready to face the challenge again, or so I thought. By the time we had traversed the Town center with me point blank refusing to go in any shops, we hit the supermarket.
Biiiiiiggg mistake, dont these people know there are still six weeks to Christmas?

It was manic, and I had to shop, Molly needed food even if I could manage without, she couldn't. My daughter was in one of her awkward moods, and lets face it you dont like to show others how weak you are. By the time we got to the checkout (and that was only by refusing to go down any more aisles and telling her that was it, out now or I was walking and leaving the shopping!) I was shaking, hot and cold sweats, and feeling very much like a rabbit must feel in the glare of the oncoming headlights. She unpacked everything from the trolley, she guided my hand with the card, she tried to make jokes so that I would laugh and 'snap out of it' all I could see was the doorway and it took everything I had to not run for it.
Right back to square one

Today just the thought of walking into town is making me shake, but I have to do it, because if I dont I really will be back to the start.

On the up side it is beautiful outside, the sun is shining and it is warmer than it has been in days

So yesterday was a bit of a Blah day for me, I managed to tick off quite a few people

I had the IT guys running round like idiots, every time they updated the database it froze my system, according to them mine was the only one in the entire company that did it, OK says I, can I help it if I am special?

Then my phone wouldn't work, I could not call out but could recieve, as I am not in group phones it is a private line * Cough* they can isolate the problem easier, at least they are supposed to be able to

Then I discovered that my work for wednesday hadn't saved Not good, considering what I do in a day.

Give the IT guys their due they did try to retrieve it, but it was gone And this was all before nine o'clock.

By the end of the day, I had worked out what I had worked on, on wed, my phone was working again, and the IT guys promised to mail me every time they updated so I would be prepared for my comp playing silly buggars. They are also upgrading the system so that with a click of a button I can put on a programme that will make others aware that I am handling a case and they haven't to do anything on it but just pass the information to me. This is partly due to me getting slightly irate at 'someone' losing a client a 60% settlement because they didn't read the notes on his file!!

And what is with this green writing and underlining of words in the posts???

And our finance friend has been reported to the BBA and a couple of other financial institutions for his advertising practices and they are checking to see if he holds the relevant licencing

Today however, I started out in a positive mood, the sun is shining,my friend is getting better and says that she feels much better since our conversation last night. No work and the weekend stretches before me.

And how are you spending yours?

For weeks now I have had that feeling that something was not quite right, you know the one where you know something is wrong with someone close and you dont know who or what,and it slowly drives you nuts, like a feeling of impending doom that you are powerless to stop?

I have contacted those that I could, sent out the 'radar' for those that I couldn't, course you do get the ones that tell you they are fine when they are not and that sends the radar off kilter slightly.

Do you remember me telling you my friend had a baby Girl she named her Jessica Grace, Well that was three weeks ago and I haven't been able to contact her, and apart from a phone call that lasted only a few minutes the night she came home with baby she hasn't contacted me.

Thinking that she has been extremely busy what with a handicapped child and two others below the age of three ( including new born) she would be settling in to the new routine. And I admit I have been busy too what with exams, this happens with us two though, best of friends but we can go ages without seeing each other knowing that the other is there if needed.

Well it turns out she wasn't settling into a new routine but was in hospital seriuosly ill, she had instructed S her husband not to let me know as I had exams and she didnt want me worrying

She had contracted a bad infection when she had the baby and ended up back in hospital for nearly two weeks! She is still not well, but is over the worst of it. And boy do I feel like the lowest not even knowing or being there for her

When I asked why she didnt let me know she said "because you would have left everything to come and have the kids, and I couldn't let you risk your job and everything else you worked so hard for" but isnt that what friends are for? She says I was there for her, because just knowing that I would do that helped her, and knowing I would be there when I found out. But you know she is the one who is the true friend, because she didnt expect me to be at her beck and call though she knew that I would.

I am very lucky with my friends.

Friday, the weekend is here,yaay, I think. I should work tomorrow to make up for yesterday, but I might not bother, make it up through the week instead.

I got 'told off' for commenting on a blog yesterday,well it was the early hours of this morning when I got the message, I commented on the blog on the 14th of October, and this morning got a message that said

Author: Author (IP: 202.131.111.82, 202.131.111.82)
Email: bradpitt2008@hotmail.com
Url: http://www.debtconsolidationloansuk.blog.co.uk

Comment:
This is a financial blog and if u r not interested to taking any loan then just read
and leave it alone. dont pass the stupid comments on this blog.its none of your business to criticised. so dont visit this blog again if u dont wanna take any loan.

That will teach me to speak my mind. So of course you all know what I did, of course I went and told him that if he didnt want people to comment he shoud remove the facility

Of course I should be careful speaking my mind with one so famous, I would have thought he would have been too busy to blog!
So if you dont want a loan, dont visit this blog! And if you do want a loan, dont visit this blog! Sheesh it takes all kinds doesn't it

I am in seventh heaven right now, well sort of.
My son invited us for tea ( Molly and I that is) I knew it was just an excuse so he could see Molly, anyway after tea he suggested a run, so Molly could have one, I pesruaded him to take us up in to the moors.

And while he and the dog ran and played, I sat on the wall and gazed in wonder at the starry heavens that seemed so close you could touch them. A completely clear sky in a place where the lights from the town and estates dont touch it, the stars glitter brighter, and the sky seems bigger, yet closer. It was amazing.

I am absolutely frozen now, but it was worth it

What a lovely way to waste a day!

I had two reasons for being at the hospital today, one was my wrist, which as you will remember I broke in August, well it doesn't want to heal properly and I now have to undergo Physio, on a daily basis by myself and a twice weekly basis with the Therapist ( Physio that is,before you say anything TKK )So that should be fun

The second was for some tests, but, I wont get the results of them for a week to ten days so I shall not worry about it untill I have to.

On the plus side, I bought a nice long cardigan, a long wooly jumper, another thinner jumper, a smaller dressy cardigan to go with the black dress And still had change from thirty quid, I love sales, that is when the town is empty, I love sales

Normally I am at work at this time, today however I have to spend the morning sat in hospital waiting rooms, check up time

I dislike hospitals, but I dont know many people who do like them.

Never mind I can go shopping later

Relax
Sweet Dreams
Night,Night

And so we are at wednesday evening, and I have managed to get here without losing my patience with the idiots that do not read notes in a clients file!

Several deep, deep breaths and a very strong coffee, a word with a director and an IT man and lo and behold, with the press of a little button I can now prevent anyone from messing with my clients files.

And all is once again well with the world, well mine anyway

The first of November.
It is all Saints day today, all I know is that it is the coldest morning so far.

The sky is clear and the stars are still gracing the heavens with their presence, and while it is darn cold, the air was fresh and clean when I strolled out there about an hour ago. Thats one of the nice things about this time of the year, the sharp, clean air.

We are in to the middle of the week already, where is the time going? Who keeps pinching it?

So I started the day well, my heater doesn't want to work, my computer is playing mind games with the graphics, and my hot water isn't?

Well you know what they say, things can only get better?