I dont like Mondays, yes I know a song by the Boomtown Rats, quite a good one actually. Anyway, I dont, and it is'nt just because the phone never stops, or that people expect that you can work miracles and then complain when you dont.

Its the bosses, its the constant, will you do this, have you seen that, will you have time to do this today, well if you would shut the um hell up and let me get on with my work at hand I just might!!

It didn't help that my lovely neighbour who played his music non stop for fourteen hours yesterday decided to start the day with another rendition at four minutes past six this morning!!

But I am calm, I shall let it all wash over me,for there in the sky the moon is sat high above the hill, and the sun not yet gone to bed, though she is saying her goodnights in a flourish of reds and pinks on the opposite side of the sky, I can't quite see the full sunset, but I can see the burning clouds, the moon however is peeping through my window, cheeky, trying to see what I am writing no doubt.

And now a nice relaxing coffee, and maybe a nice relaxing bath.

Catch you later.

The Dawn broke silent and serene, as the sun peeped over the horizon scattering her pink blushes across the sky, as she bashfully greeted the land beneath her. Even the birds held their breath as she rose and kissed the clouds in shades of rose.

No one about and the morning sight was ours alone, though probably not, but it felt that way.

Sometimes the sunrise surprises you in such a way that it is almost like the first one you have ever seen, and the beauty and serenity takes your breath away.

Walking beneath trees filled with Angel confetti, that falls down gently as the breeze stirs the branches, walking on a carpet of it, and the air is redolent with the beautiful scent of early morning, the fresh smell of Grass and earth, blossom and early spring flowers, all greeting the rising of the sun.

Sometimes it is the little things that are needed to remind us that we are alive, we are here, and there is a reason for it even if we are unaware of what it is.

I dont know if I mentioned that the grand wedding of the year has been called off, that is the church wedding has been called off, they are still getting married.

Son has booked a week at Great Yarmouth, and they are getting married there, now this would normally not bother me, as the holiday includes myself, but.

It also includes his girlfriends mother who I have not met, now meeting on the day of the wedding etc would have been fine, for if we didnt get on, and it could happen, we would only have to last the day, but now we have to last the week, in the same chalet!!

So, with a little help from my darlink Paddy this is what I am wearing to the wedding

With these shoes

So what are the chances it will rain that particular day??

I have walked, cleaned, washed, scrubbed, and done everything I can possibly do, at leat twice. And All before nine am

I even went shopping both friday night and yesterday, I know this restlessness will pass, but this time always brings with it a yearning for change, A need for something different, be it hairstyle clothes, where I live, where I work,I have to fight really hard sometimes to not just throw everything in and quit my job and leave town!

Maybe I will go blonde!

Anyway, it is easing off now and maybe at the end the most drastic thing I will have done is change my hairstyle, or have it cut or something, maybe?

I felt that I should at least try to explain, after the lovely messages from people trying to lift my spirits.

Its not that I am depressed, well yes I am, but not as you think, Damn why is this so hard!!

April is my Bad month, as I have said, today is the anniversary of the reason it is a bad month, some people, a few, a tiny handful, know why. I'm sorry if I am not explaining this very well,it is the one day of the year when I allow the darkness to take over, for a little while, just rest assured that give me a day or maybe two, and I will be as full of it as ever.

Thank you, for your messages I will reply, just not right now.

Its my darkest day, so really have nothing to say that would be uplifting and bright and breezy.

Have a good day.

Long soft grass swaying in the breeze, golden flowers hiding amongst the green stems, in the distance a bird calls, it ehcoes softly round the meadow and the grass stirs as if in answer to the call. Fleeting shadows of yesterday dance, never fully being seen, but there, quietly keeping time with the footsteps that make no sound.

Through the meadow a stream meanders gently over small rocks and beneath tall trees, the music of its passing is a lullaby, and the meadow quitens as the melody grows, birds sit on the branches of the trees, their song silent now as they listen to the sweet sound of the passing stream.

Then the stream too becomes quiet as the thunderheads gather above, and the sky darkens, as the heavens open, jealous of the song of the stream they send forth a melody of rain to thunderous applause.

There but not, wet but dry, as the rain sweeps the meadow and bends the grasses and the flowers, they do not bow before it but lift their heads to drink the drops as they fall.

Then gone as suddenly as it came and the sun shines through, and the meadow glistens with drops of rain that look like jewels as the sun casts its light down upon them, to take them back where they belong. And all is peaceful once more.

It is strange how things affect you, different people have different ways of coping with life and its stresses and its hearbreaks and its kicking you when you are down times. I usually think of all the people that are worse off than me, there is always someone having a harder time than you are, things are ok for me at the moment, but maybe thats because I wont let them be otherwise.

Some of my friends are hurting, for various reasons, mainly to do with love, but it is always love, the love of one for the other or a parent for a child, a child for a parent or relation, that is why people hurt, if there was no feeling for the other person there would be no pain.

Feelings are what makes us Human, pain is what helps us to accept the other is gone. Only by coming through the pain can you hope to carry on and be yourself again, it is not easy, if it were there would be no point to it. Those that have lost always feel the hurt of the loss, but tht hurt will heal you.

Eventually the pain eases the hurt becomes less, lost relations smile down and fond memories take the place of the why's, lost loves fade and new loves take their place, or old loves, one never knows in this world what will come to ease those feelings, but rest assured it will come.

And people will say, it's easy for you to say that, but it is'nt because in my dark time I never believed it would end, never saw the light at the end of the tunnel, but I learned that there is always a light, perhaps it is hidden behind a curve and you have to reach the curve to find it. I learned that there are always rainbows in the sky, even though mostly we dont see them untill it rains, but they are there, waiting to be discovered.

I learned that the true value of being a friend is waiting patiently until that friend is ready to talk, and then listening completely, with eyes as well as ears, being there no matter whether you think they are wrong or right, having the courage to voice your opinion based on the knowledge of your friend, but also having the humility to accept that you can be wrong. Having the love to accept who they are and what they are after all that is the person that you first liked and admired.

And above all being true to yourself, being you, and not trying to be what you think others want, for that is the person that you are inside, and if you dont let them out, they will wither away and you will become nothing.

And most importantly completely ignore the ramblings of a crazy woman early in the morning

Have a great day.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!

Ah there that feels better.

Sorry to dissapoint my Morning post fans this morning but I really was lost for words. I dont write if it doesn't come to me naturally. Anyhoo, here I am back again from my first day back at work, and h yes it was fun (you didnt notice the sarcasm there? No, ok thats good) they managed to hire two new people, and move my desk, not bad for a week off.

So thats the first day over, the week can only get better right?

After a long day I am going to go try and get some sleep before back to work tomorrow.

I shall leave you with a song that is one of my favourites at the moment.

Buonas Notchas Compadres

Home safe and sound, I am feeling quite pleased with myself over the actual journey, not a hitch, arrived at the station with five minutes to spare, by the time I bought my ticket and arrived at the platform the train was just pulling in.

Arrived in Leeds, now all I had to do was find the damn place, the exams were not being held at the Uni, I can find that easy enough, they were being held at the Town Hall, hmmm, I dont know Leeds. I can find my way to the Uni and back and thats it! But I had no trouble whatsoever finding it, and arrived forty minutes early.

Normally this gives the nerves time to set in, cept there was this Lady there, she was sitting a different exam, but she was friendly and chatty, and gives me these drops which you place on your tongue and they calm your nerves, They were herbal, Honest!

Anyways, into the room, eventually we went, again found where we were sitting, no problem. Looks at the exam paper, now last time I looked at all the questions and began to worry about ones in section two and three while doing section one.

This time I didnt even look at the other two sections, just the first, that was bad enough. Metod, not my strongest point, but I only had to answer two, so I chose two I was a bit more up on than the others.

Then Theory, only to answer three, and three just seemed to jump at me and say, you know that!

As for the Essay questions, well, lets just say that I am quietly confidant, and lets just hope that I haven't jinxed myself by saying it.

At one point right at the beginning, I felt that old, unsureness creeping back, but on the desk at the side of me I had my bloscar prizes, and dont ask me why I took them it just seemed right. I looked at them and it just went, with so many people sending me luck and believing in me, how could I not be confidant?

And while pulling in to Leeds Station there was a train with Dr Who on a plaque on its side, that made me laugh because I immediately thought of AJ and CJ the terrible twins

So thank you all of you, and to Paddy, thank you for your messages and texts, and your continued faith in me even though I am a pain Mwah xx

Well I have been up since stupid o' clock, I did get some sleep, but I had weird dreams, brought on I know by my anxiety about today, though I didnt feel anxious last night I guess I must have been. And funnily enough it isn't the exam itself that had me anxious but the Journey into Leeds.

I guess it will be fine, after all how lost can I get? Well actually knowing me, very lost, Still it isnt that far from the railway station, so they tell me.

Anyway, I have a map, sort of and if I can find Leeds Uni, I am sure I can find the Town Hall, well reasonably sure.

Thank you for all the good luck messages, I will get round to answering them, right now got to go and take a shower and get myself organised.

Have a good day.

Well i am all revised out, I have a headache and if I dont know it now, well I never will. So thats it now, and roll on tomorrow so I can get it over with.

Early night was planned but, I am not the least bit tired, trouble is tonight is the night I need the sleep!

Anyway I shall not worry about that now, it has been a long week, but not, that sounds strange I know but it has flown past yet the days have dragged. I dont seem to be making any sense right now. So I shall go have a coffee and go to bed.

Have a great evening folks

Yes I know you all probably think I have enough of them, but this one is different, this one is yours.

I will explain, I do Dream Interpretation,,something I have done for many people for a long time, Paddy thought I should have a blog and invite people to tell their dreams and for me to tell them what I think they mean. Obviously as with anything else I dont know you so can only tell you what the dream says to me.

You can either tell me the dream on comments, or you can mail me the dream if you want to remain anonymous, I will then put the interpretation on the blog, anyone that wishes their identity kept ssecret can give me a psuedynom to place at the top of the interpretation.

Right now I wont have time to personally answer all the mails ( theres hope for you ) but will interpret all the ones sent to me, though at first I may only do one or two a week.

I shall post an email address for the dreams to go to, it will not be my personal email but one just for that blog.

The address is dreamdeducer@googlemail.com

Course those that dont sleep like me, wont need to use it

It is a lovely morning, though still cloudy, it is fresh and the earth smells wonderful.

Mama put a blessing on me last night, I slept for four hours, like a baby, facing adversity is very tiring Thank you Mama, you got your wish

Dreamless too, which is very rare so near an exam, but I feel refreshed this morning and ready to tackle the last day of revision.

I discovered last night that I had been tagged, in fact someone/s had undergone a frenzy of tagging

afro made of mince: I dont want to know what you had been drinking/eating/watching to come up with that one

Bathes in ice and embroidery thread: Cool, that makes me super cool (or cold whichever)

cooks rice in the dishwasher: You do realise you have just come up with a whole new way of cooking rice?

Dirty trickster: Well no not dirty see above tag

drew out £20 and spent it on candle wax tokens:

Eats hay in front of horses and yells "you cant have this!": Its oats not hay, and I tell them its bad for them

Heats spoons to the maximum temperature then brings them back from the brink: You forgot to put that I heated them telepathically

Keels over at the sound of one hand clapping: OK, so its like others seeing blood

Irons her hair: How else do I get it straight?

Sold all her wordly goods for a night of passion with Nick Nolte: Erm it was Bruce willis actually

These are but a few, I have one thing to say to my serial tagger.....

Thank you, I was nearly crying with laughter when I read those last night, just what I needed after the day I had.

And so into the breach, well over to the desk, but I shall be having regular breaks today, dont want to super saturate, we need to be bright and ready for tomorrow.

Well tis time for me to see if I can find that land of dreams that everyone goes on about.

Its been a long day, tomorrow is a new one.

It has been a strange day, I knew something was brewing, but as always, when it hits it sort of manages to catch you offguard. Todays had me questioning everything, all that I am doing, all that I am, all that I want to be.

It seems that each time I think that things are going my way, going smoother than usual, someone/thing comes along and pulls out that there rug. Like it/they want me to work harder, try harder, just one obstacle after another.

At one point today, those books nearly went in the bin, at one point, no several points, I just felt like saying to hell with it all. And no there has been no major catastrophe, well not like my friends have had to face this week. Just another obstacle, that made me say why to everything.

It would be nice if just once, things would go smoothly, if things would just fall into place, instead of me having to fight for every inch.

It has been resolved, the thing today, but not before it made me fight, yet again, not before it made me question the sense of what I am doing, not before it made me take a long hard look at me.

And you know what? I think it is time I cut my hair, it is only an inch or so off my waist!

I watched the sunrise, a very sullen sun this morning, an orb of red as though she was angry still from the night before, bathed in grey cloud, she even refused to send out her pink tendrils to light the sky, and instead singed the edges of the clouds in a red haze. She has calmed somewhat since she rose, and is now back to the peaceful gold that she normally wears.

The moon last night seemed too to be somewhat tetchy wearing a deep orange instead of her normal silver. Perhaps they had words as they passed each other by? Or perhaps they have grown tired of watching mans follies?

The sky is grey and dark, though our lady of the day has just broken through and shone, though still she looks just like a ball in the sky., perhaps she is sulking still?

It seems to have been a bad week for many people, some of my friends are hurting, in different ways. The fates are especially cruel sometimes, they like to give us a jolt every now and then, to remind us we are but mortals, and they can pop by at any time and shake our world.

All we can do is be here if they needs us and supply what support and comfort we can.

I have been very good, my daughter came over from the city, but she didnt disturb me, she wanted some music cD's doing so I said come and do them yourself, so she did.

I have done fifty pages of text, fully notated and made a meal and cleaned. I am feeling quite proud of myself lets just hope that I can remember it all when it comes down to it on monday

Feeling a little jaded now though, and though I was going to do some more, the words are blurring, so enough for now.

Time for a caffiene break and a sit down away from it all for at least an hour.

Hope everyone has had a good/ish day.

A nice refreshing walk in the rain, only very light rain, but it was very refreshing, plating hide and seek with the Molly while we took our morning stroll, no wonder this lot round here thing I am nuts

But I dont care we had fun, and Molly is now sulking because I am upstairs and she doesn't want me to be, she is getting too used to me being here through the day, she will pine next week when I am back at work.

It is strange the things that we get used to, when I think of how much my life has changed. Once my days were full of children and their needs and wants, from getting them up in a morning to them going o bed at night, it often seemed as if there were not enough hours in a day for all that needed doing.

And then one day they were alll gone, each living their own life and the house was empty, quiet, peaceful. At first it was hard to adjust to the new found peace, but now I cherish it, that and the space and the cleanliness.

Every so often, when I am relaxing, half here and not, I hear the echoes of their childhood, the laughing, giggling, playing, as though they were outside the door, playing the games they played. Though when I open my eyes, come back to earth they are not. It sounds like I yearn for those times back, I dont. I enjoyed my time with them as they grew, now I am enjoying my time without them while I do.

Someone once said you should never go back, what they meant was in terms of where you live and how, they were right though I didnt see it then, I wanted to live by my precious woods, where I grew up, I should have known that it would bring me nothing but loss and pain in the end, after all it did in the beginning, all those years ago.

And that is what it brought me, and a lesson learned, still I have moved on now, and even though I love the woods, I can go visit them whenever I like they are not that far away. In fact I can see the tops of the trees from my window right now, and perhaps it wasn't the place that was the problem, but wanting too much too fast, and putting the children before myself again, resulting in my losing the one place that I had ever been able to call mine.

But, life moves on, and it no longer bothers me, whats done is done, we can only look to what is hopefully a brighter future ahead.

Now time to think about going and getting the munchkins out of bed, some things never change

Peace at last, thy have finally stopped hammering, but I think it is only because it is dark and they are unable to see what they are doing. It is nowhere near finished so it looks like more fun tomorrow.

I did get a fair bit done, but ended up having to do it downstairs, so no desk and all the books are strew all over.

Never mind, these things are set to try us, or something along those lines.

Anyway a nice bath and snuggle down in my cosy bed.
Catch you tomorrow.

Well I did everything right, kept away from the computer, mostly, and was really getting stuck in. Then the hammering and the banging started.

As I stated there are builders across the road,, what is apparently happening is they are building a dormer in the attic. Now thats ok, these things have to be done, I guess. But, they are doing it themselves, the guy who owns the house and his family and friends.

Mostly I dont mind, lets face it we all need to save money, however, the house is direclty across the orad from mine on the side where my longest window is. My study is in the attic, this is so I have more room and can see the spectacular views.

The room has a window that goes the whole length of the wall, Well it is actually broken down into two windows by no wall in between, it is lovely and the light from it is amazing, only it looks out on to houses, the one's across the street. The other window looks out over the tops of houses and has the lovely view.

I have had to close the blinds already because of them watching what I am doing and staring into the windows. And today, the constant hammering and banging is driving me nuts!! They have stopped right now for lunch (I presume) and that is the first peace I have had since half past eight this morning, I tries putting music on, but that didnt work, I took my books downstairs, that didnt work.

I really hope that they finish that part of it today, because right now I have a head that has a jack hammer going off inside it.

Wheres the paracetomol?

Break time,things are going a bit smoother today, well sort of, though it is time for music. And one of these

I cant believe it is Thursday already, why is it when you are at work the days seem to go so slowly yet when you are at home they fly past?

Only four days until the exam and the revision is going so slowly it has almost come to a full stop, of course it doesn't help when you take a break and then get into a conversation that lasts two hours!

I shall be more strict with myself today, I think I have it cracked now, though as AJ says humans were not built to revise, we want new things not old and already done. It doesnt help that this is a resit and the work is last sememsters, and because I am doing something new now, I am starting to get confuddled

Still, I will get there, if only because my bestest friend has the faith in me that I dont seem to have in myself, what a shame he isnt on the exam board

The weather is a little dull today, maybe that will give me an incentive to stick to the books? Of course I could always close the blinds and curtains so I dont see that beautiful view

Nah, it would still call to me, right am off to get the munchkins out of bed, then back to the books.

Catch you later have a great day

April is a very bad month for me, I am sure that most of you know this,I have said it before. There are a few people on here that know why, most people dont, but suffice it to say it was the single worst time of my life and nothing that happened before or since or that could happen could surpass it.

I relive it every year,sometimes a few times, sometimes just the once, which is good considering once I relived it every day.

The annivesary is in ten days, this year has been pretty tough, for some reason, I have been there a few times. And of course as the anniversary gets closer it gets harder.

So why do people insist on trying to get me to talk about it? I dont mean the people on here, I mean family, and people who are supposed to be my friends. Why do they not listen when I say I DO NOT WANT TO DISCUSS IT!! What do I have to do, lock myself away for the next twelve days?

I want to be with people, I want to feel that there is someone there, then if I do wish to talk, I can, but in my time, my way. Am I being selfish?

Take no notice of me, just letting off steam.

I have a lovely peaceful environment, ok the musics on, but it is my music and it isn't on loud. Apart from the building work across the road, which I am trying to ignore.

So why can I not settle to this revising? I have it all worked out, I have all the past exam papers so I am answering questions which is actively making me revise, yet I dont seem able to settle to it at all

Maybe the sunshine and the beautiful day are disrupting the mundane tasks of reading and writing? Or maybe I am just fooling myself and I really dont have what it takes to do this?

Mybe I should take a walk, I think that is the best idea right now.

Catch you later