Just Me!! The Butterfly effect

I dont like Mondays, yes I know a song by the Boomtown Rats, quite a good one actually. Anyway, I dont, and it is'nt just because the phone never stops, or that people expect that you can work miracles and then complain when you dont.

Its the bosses, its the constant, will you do this, have you seen that, will you have time to do this today, well if you would shut the um hell up and let me get on with my work at hand I just might!!

It didn't help that my lovely neighbour who played his music non stop for fourteen hours yesterday decided to start the day with another rendition at four minutes past six this morning!!

But I am calm, I shall let it all wash over me,for there in the sky the moon is sat high above the hill, and the sun not yet gone to bed, though she is saying her goodnights in a flourish of reds and pinks on the opposite side of the sky, I can't quite see the full sunset, but I can see the burning clouds, the moon however is peeping through my window, cheeky, trying to see what I am writing no doubt.

And now a nice relaxing coffee, and maybe a nice relaxing bath.

Catch you later.

The Dawn broke silent and serene, as the sun peeped over the horizon scattering her pink blushes across the sky, as she bashfully greeted the land beneath her. Even the birds held their breath as she rose and kissed the clouds in shades of rose.

No one about and the morning sight was ours alone, though probably not, but it felt that way.

Sometimes the sunrise surprises you in such a way that it is almost like the first one you have ever seen, and the beauty and serenity takes your breath away.

Walking beneath trees filled with Angel confetti, that falls down gently as the breeze stirs the branches, walking on a carpet of it, and the air is redolent with the beautiful scent of early morning, the fresh smell of Grass and earth, blossom and early spring flowers, all greeting the rising of the sun.

Sometimes it is the little things that are needed to remind us that we are alive, we are here, and there is a reason for it even if we are unaware of what it is.

I dont know if I mentioned that the grand wedding of the year has been called off, that is the church wedding has been called off, they are still getting married.

Son has booked a week at Great Yarmouth, and they are getting married there, now this would normally not bother me, as the holiday includes myself, but.

It also includes his girlfriends mother who I have not met, now meeting on the day of the wedding etc would have been fine, for if we didnt get on, and it could happen, we would only have to last the day, but now we have to last the week, in the same chalet!!

So, with a little help from my darlink Paddy this is what I am wearing to the wedding

With these shoes

So what are the chances it will rain that particular day??

I have walked, cleaned, washed, scrubbed, and done everything I can possibly do, at leat twice. And All before nine am

I even went shopping both friday night and yesterday, I know this restlessness will pass, but this time always brings with it a yearning for change, A need for something different, be it hairstyle clothes, where I live, where I work,I have to fight really hard sometimes to not just throw everything in and quit my job and leave town!

Maybe I will go blonde!

Anyway, it is easing off now and maybe at the end the most drastic thing I will have done is change my hairstyle, or have it cut or something, maybe?

I felt that I should at least try to explain, after the lovely messages from people trying to lift my spirits.

Its not that I am depressed, well yes I am, but not as you think, Damn why is this so hard!!

April is my Bad month, as I have said, today is the anniversary of the reason it is a bad month, some people, a few, a tiny handful, know why. I'm sorry if I am not explaining this very well,it is the one day of the year when I allow the darkness to take over, for a little while, just rest assured that give me a day or maybe two, and I will be as full of it as ever.

Thank you, for your messages I will reply, just not right now.

Its my darkest day, so really have nothing to say that would be uplifting and bright and breezy.

Have a good day.

Long soft grass swaying in the breeze, golden flowers hiding amongst the green stems, in the distance a bird calls, it ehcoes softly round the meadow and the grass stirs as if in answer to the call. Fleeting shadows of yesterday dance, never fully being seen, but there, quietly keeping time with the footsteps that make no sound.

Through the meadow a stream meanders gently over small rocks and beneath tall trees, the music of its passing is a lullaby, and the meadow quitens as the melody grows, birds sit on the branches of the trees, their song silent now as they listen to the sweet sound of the passing stream.

Then the stream too becomes quiet as the thunderheads gather above, and the sky darkens, as the heavens open, jealous of the song of the stream they send forth a melody of rain to thunderous applause.

There but not, wet but dry, as the rain sweeps the meadow and bends the grasses and the flowers, they do not bow before it but lift their heads to drink the drops as they fall.

Then gone as suddenly as it came and the sun shines through, and the meadow glistens with drops of rain that look like jewels as the sun casts its light down upon them, to take them back where they belong. And all is peaceful once more.

It is strange how things affect you, different people have different ways of coping with life and its stresses and its hearbreaks and its kicking you when you are down times. I usually think of all the people that are worse off than me, there is always someone having a harder time than you are, things are ok for me at the moment, but maybe thats because I wont let them be otherwise.

Some of my friends are hurting, for various reasons, mainly to do with love, but it is always love, the love of one for the other or a parent for a child, a child for a parent or relation, that is why people hurt, if there was no feeling for the other person there would be no pain.

Feelings are what makes us Human, pain is what helps us to accept the other is gone. Only by coming through the pain can you hope to carry on and be yourself again, it is not easy, if it were there would be no point to it. Those that have lost always feel the hurt of the loss, but tht hurt will heal you.

Eventually the pain eases the hurt becomes less, lost relations smile down and fond memories take the place of the why's, lost loves fade and new loves take their place, or old loves, one never knows in this world what will come to ease those feelings, but rest assured it will come.

And people will say, it's easy for you to say that, but it is'nt because in my dark time I never believed it would end, never saw the light at the end of the tunnel, but I learned that there is always a light, perhaps it is hidden behind a curve and you have to reach the curve to find it. I learned that there are always rainbows in the sky, even though mostly we dont see them untill it rains, but they are there, waiting to be discovered.

I learned that the true value of being a friend is waiting patiently until that friend is ready to talk, and then listening completely, with eyes as well as ears, being there no matter whether you think they are wrong or right, having the courage to voice your opinion based on the knowledge of your friend, but also having the humility to accept that you can be wrong. Having the love to accept who they are and what they are after all that is the person that you first liked and admired.

And above all being true to yourself, being you, and not trying to be what you think others want, for that is the person that you are inside, and if you dont let them out, they will wither away and you will become nothing.

And most importantly completely ignore the ramblings of a crazy woman early in the morning

Have a great day.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!

Ah there that feels better.

Sorry to dissapoint my Morning post fans this morning but I really was lost for words. I dont write if it doesn't come to me naturally. Anyhoo, here I am back again from my first day back at work, and h yes it was fun (you didnt notice the sarcasm there? No, ok thats good) they managed to hire two new people, and move my desk, not bad for a week off.

So thats the first day over, the week can only get better right?

After a long day I am going to go try and get some sleep before back to work tomorrow.

I shall leave you with a song that is one of my favourites at the moment.

Buonas Notchas Compadres

Home safe and sound, I am feeling quite pleased with myself over the actual journey, not a hitch, arrived at the station with five minutes to spare, by the time I bought my ticket and arrived at the platform the train was just pulling in.

Arrived in Leeds, now all I had to do was find the damn place, the exams were not being held at the Uni, I can find that easy enough, they were being held at the Town Hall, hmmm, I dont know Leeds. I can find my way to the Uni and back and thats it! But I had no trouble whatsoever finding it, and arrived forty minutes early.

Normally this gives the nerves time to set in, cept there was this Lady there, she was sitting a different exam, but she was friendly and chatty, and gives me these drops which you place on your tongue and they calm your nerves, They were herbal, Honest!

Anyways, into the room, eventually we went, again found where we were sitting, no problem. Looks at the exam paper, now last time I looked at all the questions and began to worry about ones in section two and three while doing section one.

This time I didnt even look at the other two sections, just the first, that was bad enough. Metod, not my strongest point, but I only had to answer two, so I chose two I was a bit more up on than the others.

Then Theory, only to answer three, and three just seemed to jump at me and say, you know that!

As for the Essay questions, well, lets just say that I am quietly confidant, and lets just hope that I haven't jinxed myself by saying it.

At one point right at the beginning, I felt that old, unsureness creeping back, but on the desk at the side of me I had my bloscar prizes, and dont ask me why I took them it just seemed right. I looked at them and it just went, with so many people sending me luck and believing in me, how could I not be confidant?

And while pulling in to Leeds Station there was a train with Dr Who on a plaque on its side, that made me laugh because I immediately thought of AJ and CJ the terrible twins

So thank you all of you, and to Paddy, thank you for your messages and texts, and your continued faith in me even though I am a pain Mwah xx

Well I have been up since stupid o' clock, I did get some sleep, but I had weird dreams, brought on I know by my anxiety about today, though I didnt feel anxious last night I guess I must have been. And funnily enough it isn't the exam itself that had me anxious but the Journey into Leeds.

I guess it will be fine, after all how lost can I get? Well actually knowing me, very lost, Still it isnt that far from the railway station, so they tell me.

Anyway, I have a map, sort of and if I can find Leeds Uni, I am sure I can find the Town Hall, well reasonably sure.

Thank you for all the good luck messages, I will get round to answering them, right now got to go and take a shower and get myself organised.

Have a good day.

Well i am all revised out, I have a headache and if I dont know it now, well I never will. So thats it now, and roll on tomorrow so I can get it over with.

Early night was planned but, I am not the least bit tired, trouble is tonight is the night I need the sleep!

Anyway I shall not worry about that now, it has been a long week, but not, that sounds strange I know but it has flown past yet the days have dragged. I dont seem to be making any sense right now. So I shall go have a coffee and go to bed.

Have a great evening folks

Yes I know you all probably think I have enough of them, but this one is different, this one is yours.

I will explain, I do Dream Interpretation,,something I have done for many people for a long time, Paddy thought I should have a blog and invite people to tell their dreams and for me to tell them what I think they mean. Obviously as with anything else I dont know you so can only tell you what the dream says to me.

You can either tell me the dream on comments, or you can mail me the dream if you want to remain anonymous, I will then put the interpretation on the blog, anyone that wishes their identity kept ssecret can give me a psuedynom to place at the top of the interpretation.

Right now I wont have time to personally answer all the mails ( theres hope for you ) but will interpret all the ones sent to me, though at first I may only do one or two a week.

I shall post an email address for the dreams to go to, it will not be my personal email but one just for that blog.

The address is dreamdeducer@googlemail.com

Course those that dont sleep like me, wont need to use it

It is a lovely morning, though still cloudy, it is fresh and the earth smells wonderful.

Mama put a blessing on me last night, I slept for four hours, like a baby, facing adversity is very tiring Thank you Mama, you got your wish

Dreamless too, which is very rare so near an exam, but I feel refreshed this morning and ready to tackle the last day of revision.

I discovered last night that I had been tagged, in fact someone/s had undergone a frenzy of tagging

afro made of mince: I dont want to know what you had been drinking/eating/watching to come up with that one

Bathes in ice and embroidery thread: Cool, that makes me super cool (or cold whichever)

cooks rice in the dishwasher: You do realise you have just come up with a whole new way of cooking rice?

Dirty trickster: Well no not dirty see above tag

drew out £20 and spent it on candle wax tokens:

Eats hay in front of horses and yells "you cant have this!": Its oats not hay, and I tell them its bad for them

Heats spoons to the maximum temperature then brings them back from the brink: You forgot to put that I heated them telepathically

Keels over at the sound of one hand clapping: OK, so its like others seeing blood

Irons her hair: How else do I get it straight?

Sold all her wordly goods for a night of passion with Nick Nolte: Erm it was Bruce willis actually

These are but a few, I have one thing to say to my serial tagger.....

Thank you, I was nearly crying with laughter when I read those last night, just what I needed after the day I had.

And so into the breach, well over to the desk, but I shall be having regular breaks today, dont want to super saturate, we need to be bright and ready for tomorrow.

Well tis time for me to see if I can find that land of dreams that everyone goes on about.

Its been a long day, tomorrow is a new one.

It has been a strange day, I knew something was brewing, but as always, when it hits it sort of manages to catch you offguard. Todays had me questioning everything, all that I am doing, all that I am, all that I want to be.

It seems that each time I think that things are going my way, going smoother than usual, someone/thing comes along and pulls out that there rug. Like it/they want me to work harder, try harder, just one obstacle after another.

At one point today, those books nearly went in the bin, at one point, no several points, I just felt like saying to hell with it all. And no there has been no major catastrophe, well not like my friends have had to face this week. Just another obstacle, that made me say why to everything.

It would be nice if just once, things would go smoothly, if things would just fall into place, instead of me having to fight for every inch.

It has been resolved, the thing today, but not before it made me fight, yet again, not before it made me question the sense of what I am doing, not before it made me take a long hard look at me.

And you know what? I think it is time I cut my hair, it is only an inch or so off my waist!

I watched the sunrise, a very sullen sun this morning, an orb of red as though she was angry still from the night before, bathed in grey cloud, she even refused to send out her pink tendrils to light the sky, and instead singed the edges of the clouds in a red haze. She has calmed somewhat since she rose, and is now back to the peaceful gold that she normally wears.

The moon last night seemed too to be somewhat tetchy wearing a deep orange instead of her normal silver. Perhaps they had words as they passed each other by? Or perhaps they have grown tired of watching mans follies?

The sky is grey and dark, though our lady of the day has just broken through and shone, though still she looks just like a ball in the sky., perhaps she is sulking still?

It seems to have been a bad week for many people, some of my friends are hurting, in different ways. The fates are especially cruel sometimes, they like to give us a jolt every now and then, to remind us we are but mortals, and they can pop by at any time and shake our world.

All we can do is be here if they needs us and supply what support and comfort we can.

I have been very good, my daughter came over from the city, but she didnt disturb me, she wanted some music cD's doing so I said come and do them yourself, so she did.

I have done fifty pages of text, fully notated and made a meal and cleaned. I am feeling quite proud of myself lets just hope that I can remember it all when it comes down to it on monday

Feeling a little jaded now though, and though I was going to do some more, the words are blurring, so enough for now.

Time for a caffiene break and a sit down away from it all for at least an hour.

Hope everyone has had a good/ish day.

A nice refreshing walk in the rain, only very light rain, but it was very refreshing, plating hide and seek with the Molly while we took our morning stroll, no wonder this lot round here thing I am nuts

But I dont care we had fun, and Molly is now sulking because I am upstairs and she doesn't want me to be, she is getting too used to me being here through the day, she will pine next week when I am back at work.

It is strange the things that we get used to, when I think of how much my life has changed. Once my days were full of children and their needs and wants, from getting them up in a morning to them going o bed at night, it often seemed as if there were not enough hours in a day for all that needed doing.

And then one day they were alll gone, each living their own life and the house was empty, quiet, peaceful. At first it was hard to adjust to the new found peace, but now I cherish it, that and the space and the cleanliness.

Every so often, when I am relaxing, half here and not, I hear the echoes of their childhood, the laughing, giggling, playing, as though they were outside the door, playing the games they played. Though when I open my eyes, come back to earth they are not. It sounds like I yearn for those times back, I dont. I enjoyed my time with them as they grew, now I am enjoying my time without them while I do.

Someone once said you should never go back, what they meant was in terms of where you live and how, they were right though I didnt see it then, I wanted to live by my precious woods, where I grew up, I should have known that it would bring me nothing but loss and pain in the end, after all it did in the beginning, all those years ago.

And that is what it brought me, and a lesson learned, still I have moved on now, and even though I love the woods, I can go visit them whenever I like they are not that far away. In fact I can see the tops of the trees from my window right now, and perhaps it wasn't the place that was the problem, but wanting too much too fast, and putting the children before myself again, resulting in my losing the one place that I had ever been able to call mine.

But, life moves on, and it no longer bothers me, whats done is done, we can only look to what is hopefully a brighter future ahead.

Now time to think about going and getting the munchkins out of bed, some things never change

Peace at last, thy have finally stopped hammering, but I think it is only because it is dark and they are unable to see what they are doing. It is nowhere near finished so it looks like more fun tomorrow.

I did get a fair bit done, but ended up having to do it downstairs, so no desk and all the books are strew all over.

Never mind, these things are set to try us, or something along those lines.

Anyway a nice bath and snuggle down in my cosy bed.
Catch you tomorrow.

Well I did everything right, kept away from the computer, mostly, and was really getting stuck in. Then the hammering and the banging started.

As I stated there are builders across the road,, what is apparently happening is they are building a dormer in the attic. Now thats ok, these things have to be done, I guess. But, they are doing it themselves, the guy who owns the house and his family and friends.

Mostly I dont mind, lets face it we all need to save money, however, the house is direclty across the orad from mine on the side where my longest window is. My study is in the attic, this is so I have more room and can see the spectacular views.

The room has a window that goes the whole length of the wall, Well it is actually broken down into two windows by no wall in between, it is lovely and the light from it is amazing, only it looks out on to houses, the one's across the street. The other window looks out over the tops of houses and has the lovely view.

I have had to close the blinds already because of them watching what I am doing and staring into the windows. And today, the constant hammering and banging is driving me nuts!! They have stopped right now for lunch (I presume) and that is the first peace I have had since half past eight this morning, I tries putting music on, but that didnt work, I took my books downstairs, that didnt work.

I really hope that they finish that part of it today, because right now I have a head that has a jack hammer going off inside it.

Wheres the paracetomol?

Break time,things are going a bit smoother today, well sort of, though it is time for music. And one of these

I cant believe it is Thursday already, why is it when you are at work the days seem to go so slowly yet when you are at home they fly past?

Only four days until the exam and the revision is going so slowly it has almost come to a full stop, of course it doesn't help when you take a break and then get into a conversation that lasts two hours!

I shall be more strict with myself today, I think I have it cracked now, though as AJ says humans were not built to revise, we want new things not old and already done. It doesnt help that this is a resit and the work is last sememsters, and because I am doing something new now, I am starting to get confuddled

Still, I will get there, if only because my bestest friend has the faith in me that I dont seem to have in myself, what a shame he isnt on the exam board

The weather is a little dull today, maybe that will give me an incentive to stick to the books? Of course I could always close the blinds and curtains so I dont see that beautiful view

Nah, it would still call to me, right am off to get the munchkins out of bed, then back to the books.

Catch you later have a great day

April is a very bad month for me, I am sure that most of you know this,I have said it before. There are a few people on here that know why, most people dont, but suffice it to say it was the single worst time of my life and nothing that happened before or since or that could happen could surpass it.

I relive it every year,sometimes a few times, sometimes just the once, which is good considering once I relived it every day.

The annivesary is in ten days, this year has been pretty tough, for some reason, I have been there a few times. And of course as the anniversary gets closer it gets harder.

So why do people insist on trying to get me to talk about it? I dont mean the people on here, I mean family, and people who are supposed to be my friends. Why do they not listen when I say I DO NOT WANT TO DISCUSS IT!! What do I have to do, lock myself away for the next twelve days?

I want to be with people, I want to feel that there is someone there, then if I do wish to talk, I can, but in my time, my way. Am I being selfish?

Take no notice of me, just letting off steam.

I have a lovely peaceful environment, ok the musics on, but it is my music and it isn't on loud. Apart from the building work across the road, which I am trying to ignore.

So why can I not settle to this revising? I have it all worked out, I have all the past exam papers so I am answering questions which is actively making me revise, yet I dont seem able to settle to it at all

Maybe the sunshine and the beautiful day are disrupting the mundane tasks of reading and writing? Or maybe I am just fooling myself and I really dont have what it takes to do this?

Mybe I should take a walk, I think that is the best idea right now.

Catch you later

It is beautiful again today, and now that my office is back in the attic where it was originally, I have that beautiful view to look at when my eyes raise from the books.

The building work across the street isnt helping but, I have my pressie from my lovely friend to play as loud as I please to drown it out.

I love music, when i am at work we are not allowed it because of the phones, but when working at home, no matter what I am doing the music is on, there is nothing quite like it to make the cleaning go faster or the hours slide by when studying.

Today it will probably range from Yello, that I have on now, through to Kenny G, Kenny helps me to relax, I love his music, soft sax, one of the most relaxing sounds there is.

In between there will be Def Leppard, Iron Maiden, Blue, Backstreet Boys, George Michael, Fleetwood Mac, Amy Winehouse, maybe a bit of Whitney and definately some sixties tunes. A bit of poison, some Snow Patrol, Some Compilations. I think that might just about get me through most of the day.

Right must go and have breakfast first, else I will be getting in bother off a certain person, catch you later, have a good day.

What is it about time off, I had planned to have a nice relaxed day today then throw myself into full revision tomorrow and the rest of the week. But nothing is ever that simple, well not for me anyway.

I am just as tired as if I had been at work all day, and that cant be right can it?

Anyway time for the crime programme once again, I'm beginning to think I have an obsession

I have been debating with myself for a long time now about the advantages and disadvantages of dating, bearing in mind that I dont get a lot of free time, what with work and study etc.

It is eleven years since my last relationshop ended, not very well I might add. We had been together ten years and it had been um, not good, anyway it left me very wary about wanting to try again.

Since then I have been on five dates, I always chicken out, find a reason for not going, a very valid one though.

Dont get me wrong, I dont feel as though I am missing out on anything, I dont go to bed thinking if only, I dont rise in the morning wondering about might haves etc. I am pretty content on the whole, though sometimes it would be nice to be wined and dined.

I just sometimes wonder if I will ever get brave enough to actually take that chance again? If I will ever take down the barriers? I used to enjoy dating, never wondering where it would lead just taking it as it came. Is it possible to get back to that way of thinking?

Its a fairly grey morning, but I still managed to watch a spectacular sunrise, Pink blue and grey, the clouds managed to look like ripples on water tinged with a pink hue. I walked beneath a canopy of pink and white Angels confetti and when the breeze blew the petals fell softly around me. I love Blossom trees, that heady smell when you stand beneath them, the soft petals of the flowers, they are so delicate, yet such hardy trees?

It does seem strange sat here at this time not having to rush to get dressed, though I have said that I will go to my sons and get him up, just to make sure he is on time.

And the wedding, ah yes the wedding, well the big wedding is off, the church and everything. I no longer have to cater for nearly three hundred people because it aint happening! A mutual decision, brought about by my telling them that if they intended to get married, bearing in mind the church has been booked since last June, then they really needed to get things sorted.

It seems there are two other friends getting married the same week, and the cost and the fuss all got to be too much for them, so instead my Son has booked a week at Great Yarmouth, the same week they were getting married and we are all going there. And that is where they are getting married, no fuss, and a quarter of the cost, he is far too much like his Mother!!

Still I am looking forward to a week in the sunshine, though I am under orders to leave the books at home

And now I am going to have a leisurly breakfast, catch you all later

It is over cast this morning and it has been raining, not heavy, just that light stuff that wets you through without you realising it.

Monday and my last day at work for a week, I am looking forward to the Exam next week, hopefully this time all will be well and I wont get lost on the way there like last time.

As you all know I am not one for reality TV, the first Big Brother was, um, different, and the secong and maybe, even the third, watchable for entertainments value, actually I think the third was the only one that I watched the whole way through, that was the one with the house split into two. I liked that one, it had more 'bite' than the others and in my opinion has been the best one yet, despite the fact that Kate Lawler won over far more worthy contestants.

It was the year of the first break out with Sandy going over the wall, still by far the best BB they have done. And nothing at all to do with the fact that I thought Alex was a tad lovely

Anyway, as I said I rarely watch reality TV, to me since BB first started and reality TV shows have become the 'Norm' people just play to the camera's, the shock factor, get themselves more votes etc etc. But after saying all that I am hooked on America's next Top Model, I love Tyra Banks whacky sense of Humour, though Janice Dickinson sometimes went OTT, she was no different to our Simon Cowell, and to be honest she has been replaced by Twiggy and she doesn't seem to have the bite that Janice had.

And it has nothing at all to do with the fact that Nigel Barker is a bit of alright

So at nine tonight I will be sat there like all the other hopeless Reality TV addicts watching Nigel Americas Next top Model and hoping that the girl I have rooted for from the start will be in the final three

But right now I have to go and get dressed, for that final very busy day.

Have a great day, whatever you are doing.

The next time that I decide to start dismantling furniture and moving it up two flights of stairs, would someone like to call and remind me that I am not the worlds strongest um, person, or Tarzan or any other super hero type thingy!

The air was slightly blue as I struggled to get the computer desk back into the study Of course taking it apart properly before I started would have helped a great deal

I am covered in bruises and scratches, my hair is wet through I am that hot ( Why do I always do jobs that make you hot when it is already hot? ) and, and, I broke a nail!!!

I shall now go and indulge in a nice long shower, before beginning the tedious task of sifting and shifting the mundane stuff.

It is a beautiful day again today, the sun is shining, the sky is blue. I actually watched it rise before I went to bed, but thats ok, if I had been working today it might have been a different matter.

I shall be getting done today all the changing about of furniture and other bits and pieces, even though I have the week off next week I have an exam to revise for so Sshhhh, some peace and quiet is needed, actually ignore that if I didnt have my music on in the background I would think the world had ended

Hope everyone has a great and serene Sunday.

Just look at the time! Anyway, at twelve thirty I decided to put down the books and head for that big comfy thing that you are supposed to sleep in. Was actually feeling tired for a change, and thought oh yeah sleep tonight

But of course the best laid plans of mice and men, and more so it seems for us women. At a quarter of one A.M the phone goes. My Daughter in law, I could hear the tears in her voice, mam can you come up I have to go to the hospital. My blood ran cold, I know they have their share of madness in the nightclub and the bar on a saturday night and I thought my son had been stabbed or shot or something very calmly I aksed her what had happened. I poured boiling hot coffee over me. A sigh of relief, thuogh it sounds cruel, this I could deal with.

So I have just got back. She didnt go to the hospital, I checked her over and made sure she had used cold water, she had immediatly, she is in pain, but not as much now as she was. Son came racing home, but I had it all in hand by then. We placed ice on it untill most of the burn had sizzled itself out. No blisters, because it was treated fast, and the ice helps to prevent them.

Sent son back to work and stayed with her until he came home from his shift, what are they going to do when I move to America?

Right am now off up the apples and pears, I can hear my bed singing a soft lullaby.

Been and gone and worked and back in time for footie

It is beautiful out there,the sun is shining, the sky is blue, apart from those clouds that look a tensy weensy on the dark side, but then aren't we all

So since it is such a glorious day I think we should all have a sing song

Its the way I tell em

I am feeling pretty chilled now that the assignment is done and gone, with time I might add.

Though I have to work this morning, and possibly this afternoon if I cant get it all caught up, but hey ho, this is what happens when you are indispensable Seriously though, because we are short staffed taking a week off is like planning a major military operation, making sure everything is up to date and smooth sailing (like that ever happens) so that I am not met with a thousand disgruntled clients when I get back

I dont mind, it stops me spending money, and as long as I am back for the footy all is cool with the world

Right thats your lot, no ramble this morning

Have a great day!

Sometimes it seems the harder you strive the father away the thing you are striving for becomes. When we are young we think the grown up world holds all the answers to the questions, all the remedies to make life the way we want it to be.

The magic world of adulthood, I have to admit that I longed to be 'grown up' mainly so I could leave the stifling and not very pleasent life I led. Adulthood didnt dissapoint me as I had no illusions about it, it did surprise me however. Discovering a whole new world where people were actually pleasent to each other, spoke to each other even when they didn't have to, amazing!

I didnt want my children to long for adulthood, I wanted them to enjoy their childhood, after all once it is gone and you enter the adult world you cant keep running to mummy when you scrape your knees ( Though someone needs to tell my lot that ) So I endeavoured to make their childhood as good as it could be with only me around to tend to everything.

I didnt do too bad a job, thought I say so myself, but,at trying to stop them becoming adults befoe time I failed miserably. My eldest left home at seventeen, my middle one at sixteen, the boy has left twice and come back, now he is gone again.

I didnt stand in thir ways, though I didnt want them to go, trying to stop them is the sure way to make them go. I made sure that they always knew that the door was there when they needed it, they have all come back at some point, and then gone again.

I know its my fault, I made them too independant, I taught them all how to cook, sew, wash etc etc, but after the health scare, I had to make sure that if anything happened to me they could fend for themselves. Which they can, and I am pleased that they can. Just miss them sometimes.

Though saying that the peace and quiet is heaven

All the time I was growing up and since becoming an adult, I have always used observation as one of my greatest aids in assessing people and events.

When I was young observation of the people around me kept me alert to changes in mood, temperament, made me aware of safe times and times I had to be wary of what I said and how it was said and what I did. I learnt the times that I could ask to go out and play in the sunshine and be allowed to do so, and the times when asking would have no effect, but getting the little ones to make a noise or play up would result in being told to take them out to play.

I learnt that it didn't matter if you were older and in many ways wiser, if you were not a boy, you were nothing, your thoughts were nothing your opinions worthless and your aspirations the dreams and flights of fancy of a mere girl, they meant nothing they would amount to nothing.

But I learnt something else in the midst of all my observations as I grew, holding on to those dreams, keeping faith even when there is no way that you could ever see them coming true, no chance of acheiving the things you desired as a child, being true to yourself, the person inside, is the most important thing. It will bring you through when all else fails.

Walking beneath a canopy of snow white blossoms, enjoying the first light of the day, listening to the birds chatter and sing and call to one another, happy in the knowledge that they have survived another night, breathing the fresh morning air, being me, being free.

I no longer have to ask permission to wander in the sunshine, I no longer have to yearn to stand beneath the stars, and I wonder sometimes if I had not had to do these things would I appreciate them so much now? Would I still find every sunrise and every sunset as glorious, if not more so than the last one? Would I still gaze in wonder at the brilliant colours that blaze across the sky each morning and each night? Still find wonder in every new shoot, and bud that blossoms?

Sometimes it takes not having what you should to appreciate it all the more when you finally manage to get it.

Sitting here watching the day lighten outside, ruminating about life and its many variables. Actually I have been trying to do this darn assignment that has to be in tomorrow, only another one thousand eight hundred words to go

Work has been particurlarly manic these past two days, tuesday and noone wanted to actually come to work which made it harder because we are already staff down.

Yesterday and you still would have thought that I was the only member of staff in work, but they only want to speak to you, was the reply I got each time I had to stop what I was doing to take a call.

And the Big man, the ultimate boss, deigned to visit our little department. Which was quite amusing because we discovered that he didnt even know we had a department that dealt with deaths and another that dealt with critical illness, both of which I run, he was quizzing why we needed more staff for the settlement team and to deal with complaints and cancellations. As all these things run in the same department and we had five staff.

It was actually quite amusing, he asked how many ongoing cases there were, so the sort of boss type lady starts reeling off, x amount of full and finals, thats a lot he says, x amount of complaints, great thats hardly any. X amount of cancellations, again hardly any, x amount of deaths, whoa what do you mean deaths? Lynda deals with deaths, she does? Yes and critical illness, oh, what does that involve? So she reeled it off to him. Apparently this has influenced his decisions in other areas, but he is coming back to us about it. In the meantime I have been asked to compose a very sensitive letter to a client on his behalf? Recognition at last, wonder if it will influence the pay rise?

And back to more interesting subjects, except I cant think of any at the moment, what with correlational questions and continuous variables. So must be time to have a shower and repare for the day ahead. No white rabbits today, considering I have been on the computer since half four

Have a great day, whatever you are doing.

Have you ever looked around you, at where you live, what you do, the people around and you and thought, what am I doing here? Why do I do that? Why do they put up with me, or I them? I was doing that at three this morning while answering my sons text messages.

You should be asleep, he said to me after texting me for the fourth time, so should you, I replied, he said yeah but I am on the computer whats your excuse he said. Some idiot keeps texting me I replied He found that amusing enough for more texts Admitted when he sent the first one he didnt expect me to reply, it was for me to find when I got up.

It wasn't just the stuff that happened yesterday, because one of the things that happened yesterday that I didnt write about was a lovely thank you card that said 'I dont know if it is part of your job to put a smile on peoples faces, but you always put one on mine' I thought the card was lovely, my bosses however thought it was over the top and that the person was a might too freindly, why? Because it was from a male, I didnt get that reaction from the card I got last week, saying more or less the same thing, that was from a woman.

It just makes me wonder how they expect me to do my work if I have to differentiate between people because of their gender? I treat everyone exactly the same, even the jerks! And I will not do it any differently, no matter whether they like it or not, these people are with us because they have problems, and it may be problems of their own making, but we all do silly things, we are there to help them, and that means listening to them, and talking to them. Is it my fault that they becaome 'over freindly' ? To me they have found someone that will listen and it helps them.
Maybe I am in the wrong job?

Anyway, enough rambling the white rabbits are looking for me again, off to work, wrong job or not, it pays the bills.

Have a great day, catch you all later.

I like my job, I dont get paid a fortine, but I enjoy what I do. And today even though I knew it would be rough, because of the bank holidays, I was prepared, I thought.

It started off not too bad, the phone calls came steady enough. Then the one that threw me for six, a client that I have been dealing with for six months becaus eof his illness, died, his wife phoned me. That was hard, we have got to know each other, kind of, over the six months. She said today she didnt know what she would have done at times without me there on the end of the phone.

And then you get the others, the jerks, that think you are just there to do their bidding, two hours on the phone sorting his mess out, because one of his creditors had screwed up, two hours, missed my break, but it did nt matter, I had done what I said I would do. So I called him, I have sorted it I said they are sending you a letter advising that everything is now fine, his reply, if that letter isnt here in two days I am calling you again!

Well thank you L, for spending two solid hours sorting my mess out, thank you for calming down my wife when she rang you in hysterics, and thank you for calling me back in your own time to let me know it was all done!! Might just have been nice

I need a glass of wine, but I have far too much to do.

Hope everyone had a nice day

Hello and good evening, I am popping by in between sneezing fits to make sure that everyone is fine and dandy and right as a bobbin, or summat

April is a horrible month, I swing between, low to super low, to sort of ok to mega super low. Someone should ban April

Anyway, time for a relaxing bath, and I will be back to read what you all have been doing while some of us was out there slaving

One of my most favourite songs

Tis monday morning, most people will still be laid abed or wandering round in bathrobes knowing they have ages before they have to move themselves, making the most of the last day off.

But the world of Finance ticks away even when its holiday time, I used to do this when I worked in Nursing homes, work holidays, still it gives me something to do other than trying to find that get up and go thingy.

And now I have to get ready to go to work, so I hope everyone has a great day, I will be back, minus the Ousi of course.

Sunday almost over and still no nearer finding the get up and go that got up and went. Did manage to get some study done though.

I had a walk out to my sons, the kids didnt want to go anywhere, and so I came home and did some more study.

I watched Spiderman today for the very first time, the second one not the first, is it me or does anyone else think a certain Journalist aka blogger looks like a certain photographer aka spiderman, or vice versa ?

Course one of them could do with a shave

Anyways have to go to that place upstairs that 'Normal' people use for sleep, lucky people use for erm other things and folks like me use as a reading room

Night sweet dreams xx

I have set myself several things that have to be done, and not done them, it is not like me to be laxydaisical, normally everything is done, but my get up and go has got up and went.

I have an assignment due in on friday, and I haven't even started writing it, I have an exam in two weeks and I am as prepared for that as I am for my assignment. I am going to have to go and look for that 'get up and go' it must be here somewhere, hiding, disguised as something else

Apart from that it is another glorious day here, and I am apparently going for a play in the woods later today woith my sons girlfriend and the two terrors, watch out for headlines of trees crshing to the ground in a whirlwind Especially as The Molly likes to go a little crazy when she gets out there

And now I shall have to go do something, erm when I discover what I will let you know.

Since the sun was shining and the warmth was seeping through the windows and calling me to go play, I decided that I would.

Dressed to kill in a Blue shirt, jeans and heeled boots I set off to master the Demons that are called shoppers in the hell caves known as Town and supermarkets.

It being the festival of the Vernal equinox I knew they would be out en masse, but I needed Golden Syrup, and some other mundane stuff, and the makings for my Rogan Josh. So needs must, or something.

Nasty little demons with their trolleys and baskets, the supermarket is only shut for one day, you would think it was shut for a week!

I managed to get my things relatively unscathed, couple of bruises on the shins, a nice big one on my hip where some old dear decided to try to run me over,.

The walk in to town was lovely and the nice slow walk home, despite carrying the shoppiing was also lovely, the scenery as I walk down the hill towards town and then back again is awesome, and the extra treat of the sunshine and the warmth, and the smiles off the people that I passed going and coming back, made it quite a nice trip out.

If it is like this tomorrow The Molly and I are going to the river and the woods.

What is a Blog? What is blog about? Why do we/you/I have a blog? What is its purpose? These are just a few of the questions I was asked when someone espied my lovely key rings.

It was pretty easy to answer the first one, a blog is an online journal, of whatever, it could be your thoughts and feelings, the news, poetry, stories, jokes, the list is endless.

The second one, well it depends on the person/s as to what it is about. Explaining that the one that I belong to is like a community where people read other peoples ramblings writings, and leave comments, or not depending on how they feel.

Does that mean it is open to the public? Well, yes unless you make your posts friends only or private, now certain posts can be friends only, because these are people that you know will not ridicule you or make nasty/snide comments about something that is very private.

If it is private why write it on the www? Well because you like/need to write things down sometimes, and having people that support you is nice.

One of the nice things for me is being relatively anonymous, apart from a certain amount of people the others do not know me from Adam, and they dont judge, do you know how nice it is to not be judged?

You mean you actually know some of these people? Yes I have met some, and others I talk to on the phone and text with, chat online with, and I will be meeting some more, hopefully, soon.

I was asked a multitude of questions, all of which I answered the same way, it is about the individual, it is about what they want/need, it is about camaraderie, about getting to know folk that you would never have met/known/spoken to, without this medium.

Do you know how many people say the same thing, what about the perverts? All I can answer to that is, yes there are some weird and whacky peoiple on the world wide web, but for the most part they are not perverts. You will get some, but they tend to stick to their own kind, and to the places where they can act out/imagine their fantasies.

People that dont access things like blog sites etc seem to have this weird idea about what they are and of the people that use them. Some think they are all about politics and religion, or weirdos writing weird stuff ( I have to go with that last one though ) When someone says to me I never thought you would have one of them really makes me laugh, erm why not? But they can never give me an answer because they dont know what it is about.

Neither did I, I guess I had pretty much the same idea about them if I thought about them at all, untill I went on to one which was pretty much an online diary, shown the way by someone that at that time was a friend ( I thought) it intrigued me, and on looking for the place again after losing the link, I stumbled on this place.

And the rest as they say is history, sometimes I get fed up of the people that try, for whatever reasons, to bring me down to their level, sometimes the well dries up, and no matter how hard I try the words wont come, sometimes I dont comment on other peoples blogs for a while, because I have nothing new to say to them, or what I might have said has been said. Mostly people dont mind, the odd few take umbrage and my friends list depletes a little.

Such is life, if you only want me on your list so I will constantly comment, well sorry, I dont always have the time and if you dont write something I want to comment on, I dont have the inclination, if thats the situation, you best remove me, as right now the study takes up more of my time and the comments will probably become even less.

And now the books call and the kettle is singing, and I have rambled long enough, have a great Saturday

Another fantastic friday night in, I am becoming a recluse I swear!

It should have been a pretty laid back day at work, there being hardly any phone calls to deal with should have meant being able to get on with my work, catching up on things that needing doing, which I have been unable to get to because of constantly being on the phone.

Except one of our creditors decided they were going to give loads of people huge discounts on thier debts so they could be settled, Aww, wasn't that nice. Well it would have been, but, this creditor decided instead of writing to the account holders, they would send us a list of reference numbers and allow us to inform the clients.

So I spent today sending out letters to clients on behalf of this creditor, all 270 of them!!! Luckily once I composed a basic letter all I had to do was place name address and reference number on, then save it to client file, print it off, place comment on clients accouunt, and so on.

At one point this afternoon there were three of us doing it, and we did manage to get them all done before we finished and I still had time to do some other bits. Luckily I had done two of the most important things this morning before I started on the 'big job'

Time to relax now and watch a bit of TV or something.

Today is Good Friday, to me every Friday is good because it means tomorrow is Saturday and that means it is the weekend.

However, I have always failed to see the reason behind them calling this day 'Good' Friday, and I have had all the people telling me that it is called this for various reasons, because it is when mankind was blessed and loads of other stuff along the same lines.

I still fail to see how crucifying someone who was supposed to be the 'son' of the one they worshipped, and who was inherently good, if nothing else, could be classed as Good and celebrated as such?

The other thing that baffles me, why is Easter on different dates every year? The day of his birth is the same every year ( Though wrong by about four months?) yet they cant seem to decide which day he died on? Oh look lets have it in March this year, no lets have it in April, Mothers day is in March, it is mind boggling

I get the Egg thing, it being a sign of rebirth, but what does it have to do with chocolate? Other than making the chocolate giants a wad of money that is. I know that I am a bit of a cynic, but honestly to me it just seems that Easter is no longer about the death and rebirth of this man, it is more about how many eggs you can purchase/recieve, or how many presents you can recieve.

I did the present thing with my children when they were young, but that was because I was against all this chocolate eating, so I bought them one or two eggs and a present, others bought them eggs. And now everyone is doing it, it is becoming like a mini Christmas!

I know that there are religious people out there who might take offence at what I write, that is of course your perogative, it is not intended to be offensive, it is what I think, I did the Religion thing, when I was a child I had no choice.

When I was an Adult I looked at all the religions, and I still dont follow one, I believe what I believe and I dont need to go to Church or be told how I should think or feel, to do so.

Now, I have to tell you that I only generally eat Dark Chocolate and Black Magic and Terrys All Gold Dark will suffice

Well it seems my busy days are about to get busier, one member of the team down and about to lose two more, wich is good for a team of four OK, says I ? is about to start in another department ! has left and # is leaving soon, when does my extra staff get here? The answer, well erm we haven't actually advertised it yet! Looks like lots of overtie in the next few weeks

But it has been a beautiful day and apparently set to be a lovely weekend, which I shall be making the most of, if I get the chance.

So how has your day been?

It is most definately a white rabbit day today, not, I hasten to add the white rabbits that supposedly bring the choccy eggs for all to devour.
It has always bemused me why we have an Easter Bunny with eggs, as rabbits dont lay eggs

As I have to go to sons before work this morning it leaves me little time for anything else, not that I have much of it anyway as someone came along and stole it when I wasn't looking, so beware there is a time theif about this morning

Off to get ready and hope you all have a good day

Strange isn't it, nothing fantastically wonderful has happened, nothing life changing or any other sort of changing (though it isn't midnight yet) it has been a very hectic day, which wasn't helped by the directors deciding that they and all the managers, were having a breakfast meeting at a hotel in the next town

And then one of the other girls rang in sick. That left two of us to run a department which consists of five sub departments, hectic doesn't really cover how it was

But, on the way to work I decided to take the top route so I could call at the shop first, from where I live you cannot actually see the river, but this morning I could trace its course in the mist rising above it, lifting up and dissipating in the warmth of the sun that was shining down on it as it wended its way through the valley.

And walking home with the sun on my face, listening to the children playing, seeing people sat on doorsteps, in gardens, not completely sun soaking as it isn't that warm just yet. Somehow I just feel, good, alive, fizzy. Aint it a great feeling !

Do you ever wake up with that feeling that something is going to happen? Not some silly little thing but something possibly life changing? Of course it could be to do with the fact that I actually went to sleep It does tend to throw off my Psyche

I revisited an old stomping ground last night, online, a website I belong to that had gotten to the point where I rarely commneted anymore, the vileness that only a couple can send out to disrupt the pleasure of so many, they are gone now and I had a bit of fun on the boards with the regulars that I used to have fun with, and a couple of new ones, was quite relaxing

I didn't get much studying done though, but I will make up for that tonight.

Molly is a scaredy Dog, while out for our morning walk this morning something scared a flock of birds in the next street and they all wooshed into the air and over the rooftops. It was quite a noise and sent Molly flying down the street for home Untill she realised what it was and stood there looking at me all very sheepish, I guess I have to face the fact that she is never going to be the scourge of these here streets and I will probably end up protecting her, but she is so sweet, as dumpy as she is

And now I had better go and prepare for the day, before the white rabbits decide to take over, in which case I will get nothing done because it will all be back to front and inside out and downside up, even

I knew today would be rough, thats what you get for having Mondays off. I had Mondays and Tuesdays calls, callbacks and sorting out to do.

We are just beginning to find out the extent of the mess that the worker who tried to disrupt us, the one I actually got mad with, has left. All the files she was supposed to have done that are'nt, all the calls she should have made that we are now doing.

Still we will get it sorted with hopefully not too much of a problem for the clients. Its a good job I know how to talk to clients and persuade them to redo that which they have already done

Down to just myself and one other that could only help this afternoon, its like going right back to the start! Though they have promised me someone as soon as Easter is over. Where have I heard that before?

Still, I am home and have been fed, sort of and now time for more study before my programme comes on.

Have a great evening

Still dark when I took the Molly for her walk this morning, and brrrr,that wind sure is cold. Guess it isn't time to store the Thermals away quite just yet

It was strange yesterday, how seeing those kids with that toddler brought back the memories of my own childhood. I couldn't help feeling for them, even though they probably dont even think about what they do, or that it's wrong,I know I didn't, not in a grown up way anyway, that it is the parents that should be taking them in to town. I guess what makes it harder is the fact that their parents were probably at home having coffee and fags at the neighbours!

All I could think was how they would feel if anything happened to the child in their care, the guilt that they would be forced to live with, having been blamed for what happened to my brother despite the fact that I myself was only eight, and we were indoors not outdoors, I know what that feels like. Even now knowing that it was not really my fault, I still feel that I should have been more careful, more watchful.

Children should not have that burden put on them, this is their time of growing and learning and playing, they will spend many years having to work, and care for others, their childhood should be just that, a childhood.

Anyway enough of that, back to work today, this will be fun, a Monday on a Tuesday, at least it will be a short week I guarentee it will be hectic.

So off to get ready, hope you all have a good day.

I have had a lovely day off, the weather is beautiful, and it is even warm, though the breeze is a bit chilly.

I went to the laundrette, and then studied some, got a wee bit frustrated at trying to obtain past exam papers, but sorted it and they are on their way.

The part of the day that has left me musing is when I went into town. Now I know I am a tad old fashioned in some respects, I like to be wined and dined, I dont give out my phone number to people I have hardly spoken to, all that kind of stuff.

I thought I was failry open minded when it came to Children and how people raise them. After all I am no expert, sure I have raised three but all children are different and times change.

But, I was appalled at what I saw in town. It is the Easter Holidays, and the town is full of kids, that was to be expected. And at least 70% of those kids were unaccompanied by Adults!

I am not talking teenagers, I am talking from three up, two children the two eldest themselves no more than eight to ten dragging along a child that was no more than three! Groups of eight and nine year olds, wandering the centre.

Am I wrong to think this is wrong? That place is an absolute Haven for Paedophiles, and we do have them, I know of at least two that live not far from town. Since when did it become the doine thing to let little children wander around town on their own?

Or am I too fussy and old fashioned?

After living for over four years in the flat, being able to now watch the trees blossom with the new leaves of spring first hand, instead of having to take the walk to the woods to do it has been awesome.

From the first tiny bud, to the shoot, to the unfurling leaf. Though it is not finished yet as the leaf has yet to grow in size, but it has been nice watching the trees in the street go from bare branches to once again being covered in life. And as the leaves are blooming, the birds are returning and building thier nests.

The sunrise was as beautiful as ever, streaking the clear blue sky with varying shades of pink, at one point the whole horizon was pink fading into the blue. These mornings seem to make you feel so alive! Fresh and crisp as they are,and it seems so much lighter earlier, soon the May blossom will be blooming to challenge the pretty colours of the sky.

And I have the day off today, I was going to go into work anyway as there is so much to do, but I changed my mind, after all I am working all over Easter.

An extra day to study, and to have a bit of me time.

Hope everyone else has a good day

As I look out of my window the sky is blue the sun is shining, in the distance I can see the woods beginning to fill out with the new leaves of spring, thickening the branches and rebuilding the canopy that covers the walkers in the summer.

Looking out at that scene you wouldn't believe that the wind is blowing a gale and that it is actually quite cold, the wind is gusting so hard it is rattling the windows and the letterbox. Yet it looks like a balmy summers day.

Molly has discovered squeaky toys, one of the toys I bought her today had a squeak in the middle, it is now quite dead It is a rope frisbee that had a teddy head and four pieces meeting in the middle where the now dead squeak was. The teddy head is also in a trillion pieces The rope piece however is alive and well and in pride of place in the bed.

I wish that wind would stop knocking on the door and making her jump though

I decided to take a wander in to town, there were a few things I needed and I wanted to get Molly some new toys.

The supermarket was a nightmare, come on there is a week left untill Easter!

The highlight for me, across from the supermarket is a Bike shop, Appleyards, the Appleyard boys are known for 600CC superbiking.

Well it seems they are having a rally and the place is covered in these

And these

And these

And these

All over the place they are, and food tents in another car park, so a lot of the bikes are having to use the supermarket car park.

I have just one thing to say, I want to play too

....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

APRIL FOOL.

I Gotchya