Just Me!! The Butterfly effect

I has a date

On Saturday night

He is a nice guy

He has rung me every day since asking me out

He is a nice guy

So why do I not want to go?

Or am I?

One of the mechanisms that Humans have developed to help and protect them on their walk through life is the ability to create and maintain several persona's, different personalities for different situations and people.

For instance at work I was a cool, calm, highly organised and efficient person, someone that others would turn to when they had a difficult client as I never lost my cool and could calm them down withn minutes, I would take the time to ask questions to verify that all on an account was up to date and that there were no problems. I was also the one that the other staff members would come to with any work problems because I had the patience to continuously explain things to them until they had it right. Yet, I rarely if ever socialised with the people that I worked with, apart from the odd lunch with one or two that I had a particular affection for.

The social me was different to the work me, the social me while still calm and collected was/is a little bit giddy, a little bit crazy and a lot of fun, which sounds contradictory but the calmness came if it was needed in a difficult situation, otherwise you got the flirty, funloving side of me, the chill out life is for living side.

There are quite a few other me's as well, the Mother, the Daughter, the Sister, each one requires a different approach and so a different persona.

The real me, the one that is underneath all those other me's, is the one that is reserved for friends, that is the me that will listen, talk, moan a little, bitch a little, give hugs when needed, a shoulder when needed, advice if needed, and always with warmth and affection. No matter what time of day or night, my door/phone/mailbox is always open. This is because I know that whatever I do for my friends will always be done in return.

So I am who I am, but it depends on where I am and who with as to which one I am at the time

Life is a strange old thing, you think you have it all sussed out and you know exactly where you are going and what you are doing and along comes that mister/miss known as fate/kismet/fortune whatever you want to call it and it sweeps the rug right from under your feet or just simply knocks you down and sets you off on a new road.

Sometimes it knocks you down with a feather and the road it sets you on is nicely paved and sweet to walk on, with lovely scenery and a warm sun shining down on you. Other times it knocks you down with a dirty great hammer and the road it sets you on is potholed and it is raining, it always however gives you the scenery, the trees and the flowers blooming, the scenery is called hope, for some it is called faith, and as long as you can appreciate that scenery the road is never too difficult to walk, so you fall down a few potholes? Well sometimes there is someone/thing comes along to help you out, other times you get yourself out, this is called determination, it keeps you going, it lets you see the beginning of that road that is paved.

Sometimes it doesn't knock you down at all, and you keep meandering along the same old road you always have until one day you look up and realise that you haven't seen the trees or the flowers on your journey and really what have you seen? Life has passed you by while you kept the blinkers on and continued in the same old vein never listening to others or changing anything, mainly the way you think and see things, these are the people that remain prejudiced against things they dont understand because they dont take the time to stop and learn, see or hear. The world is full of these kind of people, which is why there is still so much prejudice and why there are people that obstinately refuse to look at any other viewpoint but their own.

One day all these different kinds of people will all get together and they will sort out thir differences and the blinkered ones will take off their blinkers and be able to see, the roads will be mended and no one will have to walk round potholes. An impossible dream? Perhaps, but then again maybe one day we will be able to say

Are we there yet?

Sometimes it is strange how our minds work and how we evaluate things, simple things like a smile and a good morning can make all the difference to a day if said by someone that is not saying them as rote and the smile is not plastered on like a bad cartoon moustache.

I got a 'good morning love, how are you?' yesterday that quite made my day, the gentleman was a senior citizen that I did not know, now quite often senior citizens will say hello, or good morning and tip their hats, it is gentlmanly and old fashioned but they always say it with genuine warmth.

What made this one so special was the fact that the gentleman in question was Asian, it is rare for Asian gentlemen of senior years to speak at all to a white woman, let alone call you love! The ones around where I live often say hello, but that is because they have got used to seeing me and are being courteous. So it was a genuine good morning with a nice warm smile and I answered in kind, his smile was even warmer when I responded and it made me wonder how many he said it to that just ignored him or mumbled a hasty good morning and rushed away?

I didn't have a particurlarly good day especially as the taxi driver tried to kill mother and I as we were going back to hers, inattention to the road and he mounted the kerb, I was appalled and wanted to report him but mother wouldn't have it, look how he controlled the car to prevent hitting the wall is all she could say, yes he did, but he wouldn't have needed to had he been watching what he was doing instead of trying to follow what his mates were saying on the radio!! Grrrrr.

And that brings me to today, I often wonder how our minds work, one of the reasons I am doing psychology I guess, when I see an old man struggling with various articles and trying to retrieve a trolley from the trolley park at the supermarket I will, without hesitation go and help, as would most of us.

you will have to forgive the rambly nature of todays post but it is just being written as I think it at the moment.

Most of my regular readers, all 2 and a half of you, know that I have not got much time for my Brother T, he is an alcoholic and has made himself a cripple through his trying to take his own life and his continuous falling through the drink, the reason I dont have any time for him is not the drinking, but the lying and the stealing and all the rest of the stuff he has done to me and mine. I have bent over backwards, done all that I could, any analogy you wish to use, I have nursed him and fed him and looked after him, to help him combat his drinking, to help him become my brother again, but there are only so many times you can hit your head against a brick wall and remain unhurt, so I walked away while I was still sane and still had a head left.

Since then I go out of my way to avoid him, because of what he had become and the people he was choosing to share his life with, namely other alcoholics and some drug users, if I saw him with these people I turned and walked the other way, I have never been ashamed of what I do, after all when I did feel that pang of conscience and stopped to speak it never changed the way things were, or the way he constantly talked about himself and his needs, no one else matters to him but him.

When I saw him in front of me today, I stopped and waited for him to move further in front so I wouldn't have to pass him, he struggled to the road edge on his crutches, the traffic stopped and he slowly crossed the road. I walked further down towards the junction and crossed and walked a little further down to cross at the junction on my way to where I was going, but I kept looking back, to see where he was, normally I would have carried on and not looked back once. I was ready to cross the road, but instead I turned back and walked back to where he was struggling to retrieve the trolley from the trolley park,I offered to help him and he didnt even know it was me until he turned to look, too busy telling me how hard it was to get the trolley when you have crutches to handle at the same time, to recognise my voice.

I helped him to untangle his bags, get the trolley, place everything in it, and throughout all of it it was just me,me,me. I discussed the opening of the new Asda with him and then told him I had to get on, things to do.

And that was it, I turned and walked away, with not a backward glance. I would like to say that I went back because of the little old man struggling with the trolley syndrome, I watched him struggle across the road and I was watching a little old man, he is younger than me but he looks and acts 20 years older, and talking to him was like talking to the little old man, except the little old man might have had a better topic of conversation than himself, but if I wish to remain honest with myself I have to say I went back because he was my brother. The reason I am sure of this is the fact that had it been the little old man syndrome, I would have helped him across the road and not walked away to start with.

It is sad when your own brother is like a stranger to you, but it is the path he chose and despite the help of his family wished to continue on.

It is strange though how our minds work to make us feel that we have to do things that we know are going to change nothing and ultimately will mean nothing to the people we do them for.

Sorry it has taken me so long, things going on and have been sort of preoccupied.

OK So here goes.

Malakeas asked me "Who do you admire" now there are two types of admire but we will go with just answering straight.

Well to be honest I admire lots of people,but mainly they are the type of people that others would call ordinary, not film stars or singers etc, well to me they are far from ordinary, you Malakeas, for your strength and openness, your warmth and compassion. Landers (Paddy) for what he does and again for his warmth and openness, Brad for being a star that shines to us all, Nick, for his courage and just for being Nick, Justin because he went there and did it and will do so again. In fact all the people on my list because they are all special and they all have some quality that makes them admirable.

la-spice asked me "What was the best year of your life?"

Hmmmm, this one made me think, and if I am honest I have to say I dont remember having a 'best year' I have had days and sometimes months, but a whole year is hard to find. I could say the year my first child was born, but that would make it look as though the others were not as good. So I am going to go with the year I bought my house, that feeling that I had something that was mine, that I had worked hard for, sadly the dream crumbled and I lost the house two years later.

jenray asked me "what is your greatest wish now"

To see my children happy and comfortable, it is hard having to watch them struggle, would be nice if they could have it a little easier

kendersrule asked me "If you won the lottery jackpot whats the very first thing you would buy?"

That one is easy, a House.

whosthatgirl asked me "where do you feel most comfortable"

Right now as I am living with my son I feel most comfortable when I am in the company of good friends

So there you have it, not really hard was it

GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother

2. He liked Gospel

3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business

2. He lived at home until he was 33

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands

2. He had wine with His meals

3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair

2. He walked around barefoot all the time

3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature

2. He ate a lot of fish

3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

Can I get an

AMEN!!

But only because it is the weekend and there wil be no one around to ask anything

Ask me a question about me and I will try to answer as honestly as possible. However, some of my answers may be blunt, and I reserve the right to decline to answer a question.

Quite a lot of people have done it, some more than once, some have come back as they were and others have reinvented themselves and returned via a new name, blogtitle whatever.

Some have done it because they have done what they needed to do, the blog had helped them through a phase in their life and now they were out the other side and the medium was no longer required, having purged all there was to purge, or having discovered whatever it was they wanted to discover. Some used it as a challenge, one guy that was a favourite of mine on blog, Ridgeback, anyone remember him? He set himself a goal of ex amount of posts and once he had reached it that was it, he left. He was/is a lovely guy, and I still miss him Today I found his first ever comment to me, and then of course I found some more and remembered the fun we used to have and the bantering.

Others of course have left blog or reinvented themselves because of the trolls, or the I-know-everything-there-is-to-know-about-anything-and-everything-and-I-am-always-right brigade or the I-like-to-show-how-superior-I-am brigade. And of course we mustn't forget the poisonous pen brigade must we? I think many of us have suffered from them particular ones. And of course some have done it to avoid the attentions of blog stalkers, another quite malicious vareity of blogger.

Whatever reason these people have had they have burned their blog and all thier blog, and I was going to do this too, except I was going to leave my profile and just delete everything else, only that takes time and patience and the careful deleting of every post, which you then start reading, but tit isn't the posts, it is the comments, finding the first ever comment from my first ever blog friend jessica, I love Jessica to bits, she still blogs and I still read her, even though she is a very busy woman with a hectic life
her first ever comment
2005-12-09 @ 00:24 · Url: http://www.messyjessy.blog.co.uk ·
Comment from: JessicaSmith pro
You have a beautiful soul. Will you be my friend?

Of course I said yes, and she has been on my friends list since and I will never delete her, lol.

So after reading this, and the first ever comments from Landers and Brad and Juzzzy and CJ and AJ and Nick and many, many more, and the bantering that went on late into the night/early morning, how could I delete them?

So it looks like I am staying around a while, at least until I get over the sentimentality that makes me not press that button

I started to write a long rambly post about nonsense and nothing, but to be honest I dont have the heart or the energy to do frivolous and fun.

It seems the harder I try to climb out of this black hole the further down I fall, no matter what I do, no matter how much I do, there just seems to be no way out, and I have had enough of trying just to have the rug pulled out from under me or the ladder rungs collapsing.

Even the weather matches my mood with a black sky and rain, no silver lining in sight.

The unemployment have once again not paid me, this time no one seems to know why? It should have been paid they say, and they will reissue, which means even longer waiting as they refuse to give me a counter payment, as I pointed out to them, were I on drugs or an alcoholic they would have paid me within the hour, but people that have worked years to keep those people in payments dont get those priviledges.

Just one more thing in a weekend of bad things, which means it looks like the week is going to continue int he same vein as the weekend.

I think it's time I just gave up, whats the point?

No more posts for a while, not until I can be more positive.

I went yesterday to give the government my autograph, as per last post.

You are supposed to be there for a set time, which is a load of rubbish because you never get seen at that time or by the same person. Anyway, when they finally call your name and sit you down in fornt of them they ask you questions, what have you been doing to find work, is the main one. The problem is you dont have to provide proof of any of the answers you give them, though you are supposed to, each time I have tried they say 'Oh we dont want to see that' Erm so what was the point in giving me it to fill in every week then?

Yesterday I went through the whole rigmarole as per normal, including advising them that I even am registered with their own website, then the guy I am seeing, who by the way decided he was a comedian says I think I have just the job for you and prints me off the paper.

I sat looking at it and starts giggling, he asks me whats wrong, I says this is for a job here, he says yes, ideal for you, I then says but you are sending me to an agency I am alrady registered with, to get an interview to come here for a job, yes he says. So I wait a moment and then I say, well why cant you just interview me now as I am alrady here?

Oh no, they cannot do that, applications end 7th July, and this job hasn't even been advertised yet on their jobsite, apparently was supposed to stay internal and they have just decided to send it out. I was giggling all the way home, what a stupid way of doing things!!!

So they dont want to pay me unemployment, and instead will pay me a wage?

And how has your day been toda?

While the rest of England bathed in the sun yesterday in good old yorkshire it poured it down, you would have thought that would have made it cooler and nicer for us here, but no, the temperature remained high and because of the rain the humidity soared. The only way to keep cool was to actually stand in the rain that was falling and even that was warm. Unfortunately standing in the rain and allowing yourself to become soaking wet has the disadvantage of you waking up sneezing, sniffling and with a thick head, you would think at my age I would learn

Todat the sun was already cracking the flags at 6am despite the lingering clouds it was already hot, a day for a river trip maybe? am going a nice delicate shade of gold on my arms, though my legs have yet to see the sun as jeans seem to have become my second skin since my enforced 'retirement' I may give them a treat at some point though I wouldn't count on it

Today I go and sign on the dotted line and hope that maybe this time they will actually pay me, they suspended me for leavng my job, what a joke, I supplied them with the letter that clearly stated I had been dismissed, of course I have appealed but it takes twelve weeks, meanwhile I was without money during the suspension, I asked them if the person that had made the decision had actually read the letter or in fact if he could actually read, but sadly they appeared to lack a sense of humor! So I have photocopied the page that states I was dismissed and paid a weeks wages in lieu of notice and stapled it to the appeal letter also writing in block capitals that I had done so, maybe this time someone will take some notice of it, of course that depends upon their ability to actually read

And now off to do something productive, dont ask what because I do not have a clue, but it will be I assure you

Have a great day and I will be back, later a t some point